


This Love Has No Ceiling

by photographer_of_thoughts



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Dysphoria, Chatting & Messaging, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Dysfunctional Family, Dysphoria, Epic Love, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Protective Even Bech Næsheim, Sick Even Bech Næsheim, Slow Build, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia, trans Isak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2018-12-09 15:20:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11671767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: On his seventeenth birthday, Isak did three things. He cut his hair, he gave himself a new name and he changed his gender from ‘female’ to ‘male.’In his third year, Even finds himself needing his wheelchair more days than not. It’s the year his supply of optimism begins to dwindle. But it’s also the year he meets the man of his dreams: Isak Valtersen.Or, the AU in which Isak and Even have never been understood but they understand each other.





	1. The Art of Losing

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Skam family! I had been thinking of doing a story with Isak as trans for a while since I hadn't seen many fics in the fandom for this, so I decided to finally write the first chapter. I also deal with disability, invisible and chronic illness in this story too.
> 
> I will put a warning on here for any sort of triggers involving transphobia and details of dysphoria, mostly to do with top dysphoria for a trans-male character. 
> 
> Skam and characters do not belong to me. All fiction here. 
> 
> Also, I know the tags say Jonas/Isak and yes this is a thing, but not for long. The main relationship in this story is going to be Isak/Even because Evak gives us all life <3 
> 
> Title from the song "No Ceiling" by Eddie Vedder.

_“The art of losing isn’t hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.”_

On his seventeenth birthday, Isak did three things. He cut his hair, he gave himself a new name and he changed his gender from ‘female’ to ‘male.’

He came home wearing a boy’s sweater and jeans he bought on the men’s side of the clothing store, his mother looking utterly horrified.

“What did you do?” Marianne cried, tears in her eyes like Isak had come home covered in blood or missing a limb.

“I cut my hair.” Isak shrugged, toeing his shoes off and making his way to his bedroom.

“Isobel! Don’t you dare walk away from me!” His mother screeched, tugging on his arm and turning him around.

Isak cringed at the name.

“Mom…”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Marianne continued, shaking him by his shoulders. “This is all nonsense, Isobel.”

Isak stared at his mother and wished he could make her feel how he felt. How he woke up feeling wrong when he had to put on a bra, or panties. How he ached inside when someone would say how beautiful he was, what a beautiful _girl_ he’d grown up to be. How he didn’t want a boy to love him as a girl, but as another _boy;_ that he was a gay _man_ not a straight woman.

But there weren’t words for that. There wasn’t a way to let his mother in so she would truly understand that Isak had been born in the wrong body; that he wasn’t her daughter.

He was her _son._

“I have to do this, Mom. Or I’ll die.” Isak whispered, tears in his own eyes now.

**

**2 months earlier**

Everyone at Nissen knew Isak as ‘Isobel Valtersen.’ Jonas’s girlfriend. Popular. Friends with Eva, Vilde, Chris, Noora and Sana. Someone who was nice and down to earth. Someone who, for a lot of mothers, was the example. The kind of girl they wanted their daughters to be.

Isak knew that he had kind of an ideal life. There wasn’t much in the way of struggle for him. He wasn’t bullied. He’d always had friends. He had a younger sister who looked up to him. His parents were supportive and there for him, unlike a lot of parents who were barely involved in their child’s life. And he knew when he was older he wanted to pursue a career as a doctor.

But there was always something that didn’t feel _right._ There was always something that made Isak uncomfortable, made him want to scream and cry. There was always something that felt out of place, but he didn’t have words for it. He didn’t understand it at all.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Jonas asked, kissing Isak’s face.

It was spring, a warm April night, and they were in Jonas’s basement, fooling around like they often did when Jonas’s family was gone. But Isak kept turning his face away from Jonas’s kisses, his skin feeling…wrong. Just _wrong,_ and that didn’t make any sense at all. How could his skin be wrong?

Isak squirmed under his boyfriend’s attention, hating it. He was suddenly uncomfortable every time Jonas tried to touch his chest or reach down to turn him on by fingering him. Every time Jonas talked about the way his pussy tasted or how much he wanted Isak to scream for him. How much of a perfect _girl_ Isak was, how beautiful and sexy and _please wear that padded bra for me, Issy, you know I love it._

“Jonas, please stop.” Isak whispered, sitting up and pushing gently against Jonas so he would get the message.

Jonas backed off immediately and gave Isak a sad look. “Can you tell me what’s bothering you? Did I do something wrong?”

Guilt washed over Isak because _of course_ Jonas hadn’t done anything wrong. Jonas was the perfect boyfriend and Isak knew that he loved him. Isak had been in love with Jonas since they were kids, even when they were just friends. Jonas always listened. He brought Isak flowers. He put thought into their dates. He was always so proud to be with Isak even though Isak was actually taller than him. That had happened during first year. Isak was extremely tall, taller than practically all the girls in his year. But it was never something that bothered anyone, especially Jonas.

“No. It’s not you.” Isak sighed, curling into a ball; hugging his knees against him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s up with me lately.”

Jonas ran a hand down Isak’s back and the sensation of it was soothing. Isak leaned back into it a bit, this kind of touch all right.

“Do you want to maybe talk about it?” Jonas offered.

On some level, Isak did want to talk. He wanted to figure out why everything seemed off when nothing in his life was actually wrong. He had one more year at Nissen. He got good grades. Someday he imagined Jonas and him would get married.

“I wouldn’t know where to start.” Isak sighed honestly, feeling tears roll down his cheeks.

“Baby, don’t cry.” Jonas whispered, trying to hug Isak into his chest. Isak went willingly because nothing about this was sexual anymore and somehow that made it better.

Maybe Isak just wasn’t into sex? Maybe that was what was wrong. But that didn’t make sense because Isak was turned on by Jonas. He liked what they did, apart from Jonas commenting on certain body parts or when he fixated on Isak’s chest. So, Isak _wanted_ sex. It felt good.

Isak liked to please Jonas sexually. He liked it when Jonas clung to his shoulders as he was going down on him, moaning and arching his back. Isak knew he liked boys; their bodies, their smiles. Especially Jonas’s smile. Isak had fallen in love with that smile when they were thirteen. It took Jonas a few more years to love Isak’s smile too, but now they were together and that’s all that mattered.

“I just feel…I feel like I shouldn’t be where I am.” Isak tried, frowning into Jonas’s strong chest.

“In what way?”

Isak took in a shuddering breath. “I don’t _know._ I just feel so bad, Jonas. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Nothing makes sense.”

“How long has this been going on, Issy?” Jonas asked, kissing Isak’s forehead.

_Months._

“I’m not sure.”

_Maybe even years._

“We’ll get through this, Isobel.” Jonas said, pulling Isak’s face up so he could look into his eyes. “I’m here for you, baby girl.”

Isak swallowed down the sob that was tickling his throat and tried his hardest not to cringe as he said, “Okay.”

**

Isak brought up his feelings with the girls the next day and was met with a bunch of confused frowns. His face went red and he wished he could take back what he’d said; wished he hadn’t bothered to bring it up at all.

“Maybe you aren’t attracted to Jonas anymore.” Vilde shrugged. “He might not be doing it for you.”

“No.” Isak immediately protested. “No, I _love_ Jonas.”

“Yeah, but are you _in_ love with him?” Vilde raised her eyebrows, looking skeptical.

Isak considered it for all of a second before he nodded. “Yes.”

“You might just be getting your period, Is.” Eva smiled, putting her arm around Isak’s shoulders. “I feel totally out of whack right before mine.”

“Or maybe you’re pregnant?” Noora added, her facial expression a question.

Everyone gasped and turned to look at Noora to see if she was joking, but apparently she was serious.

“What? It’s an option here, guys. It’s possible.” Noora snapped.

Isak shook his head. “I’m not pregnant. I had my…my _period_ last week.” Why was that word suddenly hard to say?

“Oh.” Vilde, Eva and Noora all said at the same time.

“Nevermind. Forget I said anything.” Isak dismissed them, turning to head to his next class. He knew the bell was about to ring and he didn’t want to be distracted by all this. Which was probably going to be a thing anyways because he couldn’t seem to think of anything else.

Isak was just opening the door to the school, thinking his friends had all dispersed, when he felt a tug on his arm. He turned and saw Chris smiling at him.

“Uh, don’t you have class?”

“Yeah, but I thought we could walk together since it’s the same way.” She shrugged, linking their arms together. Isak couldn’t help but smile at her. Chris was always a good friend to him.

“How have you been?” Isak asked, feeling selfish. He hadn’t really inquired about his friend’s lives in a few weeks, too caught up in his own stress.

“Fine. The usual. I’ve missed seeing you.” Chris said, her voice so genuine that Isak felt like crying.

“I’ve missed you too, Chrissy.”

They stopped outside Isak’s classroom, both hesitating.

“Here.” Chris suddenly said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a small piece of paper. She handed it to Isak, smiling. “It helped me a few times. Figured you might get some use out of it too.”

The card said “ _Feeling down? Suicidal? Need someone to talk to? Anonymously chat now with listeners who are here to help you through whatever you’re dealing with.”_

Isak flicked his eyes up so quickly at his friend that he instantly felt dizzy. “Chris. I’m not…I don’t want to…Chris, you felt _suicidal?”_

“ _No_. The card asks if you’re feeling down too. They help with a variety of things. There’s an online chat portal too. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who isn’t a friend, or someone close to you.” Chris explained, shrugging.

Before Isak could reply properly, the bell rang and she walked away without another word. Isak tucked the paper into his jacket, feeling too warm, and went to find his seat.

**

Isak sat in front of his computer, hands over the keys, debating if he should really go through with this. It felt stupid. Why did he need to rant to some stranger about all his troubles when he didn’t even have super important problems? Plenty of people were worse off than him.

But he couldn’t shake this. It was nearing the end of April and he’d barely let Jonas touch him. It had been weeks since they’d had sex. It had also been weeks since Isak felt like he could breathe.

He’d gone on a shopping trip with his mom and Lea yesterday that had almost destroyed him. They spent hours trying on shoes, looking at girly dresses; getting manicures. Isak’s nails were currently bright pink and he wanted to rip them off.

But it didn’t make sense because he’d done this his whole life. He always went shopping with his family. His mom always bought them over the top feminine clothes because _that’s what girls do._ Marianne had always been so happy having two girls.

His mother hated seeing girls with short hair or girls wearing baggy, boyish clothes. She always said it took something away from their femininity, as if being a girl meant you couldn’t cut your hair or wear anything that wasn’t super tight. Isak had always gone along with it because a lot of his friends’ mothers were the same. Eva, Sana, Vilde and Noora were all quite girly. Chris too, but she was more laidback. Isak had just gone along with it.

But for some reason he couldn’t do it anymore. He’d nearly had a panic attack in the stores, watching his mother fuss over him and say all the things he wasn’t doing to be girly. His hair didn’t have enough highlights. He wasn’t wearing makeup that day. The shirt he was wearing was too big.

“ _Jonas would love this skirt on you, don’t you think?”_ Marianne had winked, pushing Isak into a change room to put it on.

Isak had stared at himself in the skirt and top that accentuated his small breasts and he had wanted to cry. His eyes were welling up because everything was _wrong._ It was the only word he could think of to describe himself. He didn’t think he was too fat or too thin. He didn’t hate his legs or the size of his ass.

He just didn’t feel right. He didn’t feel _okay_ and the only way to make it somewhat better was to put his simple jeans and shirt back on, pinning his long, shoulder-length hair up to clear his face.

“I’m not wearing that skirt.” Isak told his mother, hanging it back on the rack and heading towards the food court to get something to eat.

And now here he was, on the website Chris had told him about. He’d put in his location. Norway. He put in the language he wanted. Norwegian. He put in that he was a teen, not an adult. For some reason he hesitated over gender, which was the easiest question. Clearly.

He’d put ‘female’ on everything his entire life. He always put ‘F.’ But right now his mouse was hovering over the ‘M’ and it sounded oddly better than putting ‘F.’

_Why?_

He shook his head, clicking ‘F’ and then began looking through the topics he could choose from to talk about. None of them really applied to him. No to breakups. No to bullying. No to eating disorders.

LGBTQ+?

Probably not. Isak didn’t think he was having a sexuality crisis. He liked boys. He knew that.

He paused over chronic pain, not entirely sure he knew what that meant. At a loss to what else he could put, he clicked on chronic pain and then hit submit. He did it quickly before he could change his mind, imagining he wouldn’t get much out of it anyways.

After a moment, three options popped up; three profiles of people who were apparently available to chat right now. Isak read through the first two, both girls who had good ratings and seemed friendly enough. The last was a guy who went by ‘Monatgue97.’

_Hey guys, I’m Montague. I live in Oslo. I’ve been through a lot in my 18 years. I don’t understand everything but I do understand chronic pain. Send me a message if you want to chat. I can talk about anything. I’ll always listen. Alt er Love._

The picture on the profile was of Leonardo DiCaprio and Isak scoffed. This guy seemed a little pretentious but there was _something_ about him that made Isak open up a chat and type out a message.

“Hey Montague, or whatever your real name is. Should I call you Leo? I don’t really know why I’m here. I just can’t really breathe. It sounds lame, but I can’t seem to get out of this feeling and my friend recommended this site. Get back to me if you can.”

Isak hit send before he could take it back and then let out a long sigh, leaning back in his chair. He didn’t think much was going to come of this.

**

In the morning, Isak heard his phone going off like crazy which was weird because it was Sunday and it was barely seven in the morning. He jumped up, trying to wake himself up because this many messages this early might potentially mean someone was dead.

But when he checked his phone, smiling briefly at his background which was him and Jonas kissing, all he saw was notifications from the chat website. He’d installed the app last night.

Montage: Hey Issy. Nice to hear from you.

Montague: You don’t sound lame at all, friend. :)

Montague: Life can be stressful. I understand.

Montague: Message me back when you’re able to talk and we can get started.

Isak blinked dumbly down at his phone, barely awake. He slid up his bed until he could lean against his headboard, typing.

Issy: Hey Montague. No offense but you wake up hella early.

Issy: I’m not exactly an early riser.

The reply was instant.

Montague: Sorry about that lol this is just the time my body wakes up naturally now

Issy: Weirdo lol

Montague: Indeed :P should we maybe chat later when you’re more awake?

Issy: I’m up now so it’s fine

Montague: Cool. So, what brought you to the site? I’m glad you decided to give it a try.

Issy: A friend recommended it to me after I told her some stuff

Montague: Care to elaborate on “stuff”?

Issy: I don’t really know what my deal is. Everything just feels weird

Montague: In what way? I’m assuming you clicked on ‘chronic pain’ when you first came to the website and that’s how you found my profile?

Issy: Yeah

Montague: Okay, so when you say weird do you mean your body is in physical pain?

Issy: No. I actually didn’t know what to put for topic when I started so I ended up using chronic pain

Montague: Ah, I see.

Issy:  What does chronic pain mean anyways?

Montague: Usually someone who has some kind of illness that causes their body constant, life-time pain. Like me for example. I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was a kid

Issy: Arthritis as in the kind of thing our grandparents get?

Montague: Yep. I have it in pretty much all my joints, but I have a good medication plan that manages my pain. But it can definitely fuck stuff up for me

Issy: I’m sorry

Montague: Are you cool if I swear? I tend to do that so if it’s something that offends you let me know

Issy: I’m fucking fine with swearing :P

Montague: Haha I like you already Issy :P

Issy: Thanks :D

Montague: So do you want to try and tell me what’s been going on lately with you?

Issy: I guess it’s hard to explain. I don’t feel right in my body. Lately, it’s been hard for me to be…with my boyfriend. Ugh, this is weird to talk about but I can’t sleep with him anymore. I don’t want him looking at me or touching me, or talking about sex. And I just feel…like I’m outside of myself, watching my life and wishing it was different.

Montague: Has your boyfriend ever pushed you into anything sexual?

Issy: No, not at all. He’s an amazing guy and I really do love him, but…I don’t like the way he thinks of me. I don’t like talking about…

Montague: About?

Issy: I feel bad saying this. It’s like it’s his fault but it’s not

Montague: You can be as honest as you want, Issy. Nobody will know but us and I’m good at keeping things to myself

Issy: Okay. I don’t like when my boyfriend compliments me. Like when he talks about how amazing he thinks my body is, or how I please him as a woman…if that makes sense

Montague: Yes, it makes sense

Issy: Yeah?

Montague: Yeah. I’m going to ask you something but you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to

Issy: Okay

Montague: Do you like being thought of as a girl?

 

Isak put his phone in his lap, staring at Montague’s question until he felt cross-eyed. Did he like being thought of as a girl?

What did that even _mean?_

He thought about how Jonas always complimented Isak’s small breasts, how he could cup them in his hands perfectly. Or when Jonas would sit and play with Isak’s… _lips_ of his pussy, stroking and teasing and watching like it was the most fascinating thing in the world; the _prettiest_ part about him. Or when he was on top of Isak, thrusting inside him, calling him ‘baby girl’ – his nickname since he was little – asking Isak to come for him, _please baby girl._

Or how his mother sighed as she criticized Isak yesterday, pushing and turning Isak as she had stared at his body; trying to make him more feminine. More girly. Curvy and appealing to boys – to Jonas – and getting her nails done. _His_ nails done.

The bright pink nails he was currently stuck with.

_Stuck with._

 

Issy: I don’t think I do.

**

Isak hadn’t continued his conversation with Montague97 because after he’d responded, he’d turned his phone off and got into the shower. He knew his mother would be badgering him to get ready for her church luncheon soon, which he didn't want to go to because he hadn't attended church with her in years, so he decided to do it before he heard her nagging.

As he was soaping himself up in the shower, Isak became more and more aware of how uncomfortable he was with his body. He didn’t want to wash his chest. It was too…round.

He didn’t want to scrub his hips. They were too…wide.

What the hell was happening?

“Isobel, wear your nice dress today.” Marianne commanded as Isak was walking from the bathroom to his bedroom.

“Okay.” He croaked out, closing the door behind him.

_I don’t want to wear a dress._

Isak stood in front of his closet, trying to find anything else that wasn’t the dress his mother bought for him yesterday, when he heard his phone ping again. And then again.

 

Montague: Issy?

Montague:  I’m sorry if that question upset you. I think I might know what’s wrong. I have an idea anyways.

Issy: It didn’t upset me. I just don’t know what it means if I don’t like being thought of as a girl.

Montague: It means that you might prefer to be thought of as a boy. You might be a boy.

Issy: How could I be a boy?

Montague: You could be transgender. You were born female but you identify as male.

 

Isak again found himself staring at his phone, breathing hard.

_Transgender._

He said the word out loud. And then again.

The ‘T’ in LGBT often went forgotten. Isak knew what is stood for, but everyone always seemed to talk about the first three letters and that’s why he hadn’t thought LGBTQ+ applied to him as a topic. But maybe it did. Maybe it did _a lot._

 

Montague: Maybe you’re uncomfortable being with your boyfriend because you don’t want him to want you as a girl. Maybe you’d like him to want you as a boy.

Issy: I’m kind of overwhelmed right now.

Montague: I don’t mean to overwhelm you. It was just a thought I had. I’m not pushing any ideas on you. Only you can feel what you feel. I was just trying to put words to what you’ve been feeling the past few weeks. Or maybe it’s been longer?

 

Isak was crying now, a naked ball on the floor. He pulled his damp towel around his chest, hiding what he suddenly _knew_ shouldn’t be there.

Holy fuck.

 

Issy: I think I’ve known for a while. I just didn’t know. How could I know but not know?

Montague: You didn’t have the words for it. It’s going to be okay, Issy.

Issy: I don’t think it will ever be okay.

**

Isak said he was sick and didn’t go to church with his family. Instead, he researched what it meant to be transgender. He searched with Montague’s help. And as he read more articles, asked himself some questions, it all became overwhelmingly clear.

Isak was in the wrong body.

And it seemed stupid that it should hit him all at once, like a bolt of lightning. But that’s what happened. It was like it suddenly came into focus for Isak, for the first time in his life. He understood why Jonas complimenting him upset him – made him _dysphoric._ He understood why he disliked shopping with his mother and sister for the same kind of clothes as they wore, why he didn’t want to get his nails done, why he couldn’t exactly relate to his girl friends. Why he couldn’t feel comfortable getting a ‘period’ anymore.

 

Issy: I don’t know what to do now

Montague: What would you want to do, Issy?

Issy: I want to stop feeling like this

Montague: Maybe you should start the process of transition?

Issy: How do you just do something like that? How can I ever make people understand something like this? You don’t understand the kind of life I have. Nobody would support me.

Montague: I wouldn’t say that until you try, Issy.

 

“Isobel?” Marianne called, knocking on Isak’s door.

_Shit._

“Yeah?” Isak called, turning his phone off and hiding it under his pillow.

Marianne walked in, a weak smile on her face; pearls polished and shining where they were lying on her chest. She came over and sat beside Isak, wrapping an arm around him.

“How’s my baby doing? Feeling any better honey?”

Isak coughed awkwardly. “Not really.”

“Poor girl. Still have a migraine?”

“Yeah.” Isak whispered. _I’m not a girl._

_I’ll never be a girl._

“I’ll get you something for it, okay? Jonas called a minute ago. He said you weren’t returning his messages?”

Isak flushed. He had unintentionally ignored Jonas’s messages in favour of talking to Montague for nearly three hours straight.

“I’ll call him later.”

Marianne kissed Isak on the forehead. “Okay, darling.”

**

Issy: Thanks for helping me

Montague: This doesn’t have to be a onetime thing, Issy. This site is all about creating a kind of map to help you. In whatever form that takes. Maybe your map can be a transition map

Issy: That sounds lame :P

Montague: Maybe :P but I really like you Issy and I want you to be happier. I want to help you through this, even if I’m just the person you rant to. I’m here, okay?

Issy: <3 Okay

Montague: My real name is Even, by the way. It’s almost midnight and we’ve been talking for more than twelve hours, so I figured you should know my real name.

Issy: Nice to meet you, Even.

Montague: This might be too heavy of a question right now, but what do you want your real name to be?

 

_I don’t want to be Isobel anymore._

Isak knew that. He knew he needed to change his name, even if he alone – and Even - just referred to him as this name for now. He thought about boys names that he’d always liked, which was kind of a bizarre thing to do.

He’d read that a lot of trans men changed their names to be completely different from the one they were born with, and that made sense. But as Isak thought of men’s names, one that stuck out to him was Isak. He’d always liked that name, even if it just happened to have the first two letters as his given name now.

He googled it, what ‘Isak’ meant, and the first thing that came up was that it meant ‘laughter.’ Maybe that was fitting. Maybe Isobel as Isak would find more happiness, more laughter.

_Genuine laughter. As myself._

Issy: Isak. I’m Isak.

Even: Nice to meet you, Isak <3

**

**May**

Norway just passed a law that made it easy to change your gender. In basically the blink of an eye, someone could change their gender. And their name.

Even was the one to announce this to Isak.

Isak: Holy shit

Even: !!!!!!!

Isak: !!!!!!

Even: So, when are you going to do it??

Isak: I don’t know. I’m still thinking about how to tell my boyfriend that his girlfriend is actually a boy.

Even: Today’s the day?

Isak: He’ll be here in an hour

Even: From what you’ve told me of him, Isak, I think everything will be okay.

Isak: I just don’t want to lose him :(

Even: I know. Are you sure you’re ready?

Isak: Yes. I don’t want to wait anymore.

Even: Good luck, baby boy <3

**

Jonas was staring at Isak on the other side of the living room like he didn’t recognize him at all. He was breathing hard, chest heaving and his hands were balled into fists. Isak was already crying because somehow he just knew they were over.

“You’re…a boy.” Jonas stated, not asking.

Isak nodded. “Yes.”

“But you were born as a girl.” Again, it wasn’t a question.

“Yes.” Isak said, practically sobbing.

“Issy, _fuck._ I can’t wrap my head around this.” Jonas admitted, turning away from Isak.

“I know. I couldn’t either until recently.”

They were both silent and it filled all the space in Isak’s empty house. In his heart. Jonas couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Isak wasn’t who Jonas thought he was.

“I love you, Jonas.” Isak said pathetically, hating himself a little bit; hating that this is what broke them. This is what ended his great love.

“Issy, I love you too. I love… _you.”_ Jonas suddenly gasped, turning around and walking towards Isak; taking him in his arms. “You, my _girlfriend._ My person. My best friend. That’s us, baby girl. _Us.”_

Isak immediately shook his head, squirming in Jonas’s arms. “I’m not a girl, Jonas. I’m just _not.”_

“I’m standing here looking at you, Is, and yes you definitely _are.”_ Jonas snapped.

“I look like a girl to you and to everyone, but I don’t _feel_ it. Inside me…” Isak put his hand on his heart. “Inside _here,_ I’m a boy. You love a boy!”

“No, I don’t!”

Again, silence. It was deafening, maddening and Isak couldn’t stand it.

“I need you to go.” He whispered.

“Issy, you can’t be serious about this. I love you so much, but this can’t be right!” Jonas pleaded, looking guilty and torn and so fucking sad.

“Jonas, this is the only fucking thing that makes sense to me. I know for the first time in my life what I actually feel, and I need you to believe _me._ I need you to try and understand.” Isak begged, clinging to Jonas’s hands. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Is. I would never fucking leave you.”

**

**June**

Isak: He left me

Even: Isak, I’m so sorry

Isak: He said we can be friends, but we can’t be together

Even: I thought he was trying to be okay with everything?

Isak: It was too much. I’m too much.

Even: You are never a burden or anything like that, Isak. Please remember that. <3

Isak: The girls have been understanding. Jonas is too, but I didn’t want to break up with him. I thought he would still…want me.

Even: You deserve all the love in the world, Isak.

Isak: I’m telling my parents tomorrow, and on my birthday next week I’m changing my gender.

Even: <3 <3 <3

**

“There is no way I will be referring to you as Isak.” Marianne snapped, shaking her head in disgust. “That is _not_ happening.” 

“Marianne…” Terje began, but he didn’t get to finish.

“No! Isobel, you are and you always will be my daughter. You’re just confused right now.”

“I’m not confused.” Isak said.

“Who is it that you’ve been hanging around lately that is putting all these ridiculous ideas in your head? You are born as you are and that’s it.” Marianne continued, dismissing everything that mattered to Isak’s identity; his humanity.

 _Even._ Isak had been talking to Even, but he hadn’t _put_ anything into Isak’s head. He had just helped Isak discover who he truly was.

“Is this why Jonas broke up with you? Hm? You told him you’re a boy?” Marianne asked, her face turning redder and redder.

“Marianne, enough! You will not speak to our child this way.” Terje yelled, slamming his fist on the table; making Marianne and Isak jump.

“Go to your room.” Terje said to Isak, giving him a sympathetic glance.

“This conversation is far from over!” Marianne spat.

“It’s over. _Go.”_

Isak got up and went to his room without another word, curling up into a ball on his bed and opening up his recent chat with Even. Isak’s ‘map’ of progress had so far been a map to losing everyone he cared about. Jonas. His mother. The closeness he had with his friends. That was on him. He’d distanced himself from the girls lately because they all just had too many questions that he didn’t have answers for yet.

Isak had never felt so alone.

But he did have Even.

Isak: My mom is going to disown me

Even: What happened, Isak?

Isak: She’ll never think of me as her son

Even: You don’t need her approval

Isak: I don’t want to lose everyone I love either, though. And that’s what this feels like.

Even: If the people around you leave you because of this, then you never needed them anyway. They don’t give you anything positive, even if it’s your own parents.

Isak: I wish you were here with me

Even: Me too, baby boy <3

**

**June 21 st **

“Cut it off.” Isak said, looking at the hairdresser standing behind him in the mirror.

“All of it?” She asked hesitantly.

“I want it as short as a boy’s.”

**

Hair freshly cut, a smile on his face, Isak went to legally change his gender and his name right after. His heart was pounding all the way through it, and also when he went to the men’s side of his favourite clothing store for the first time in his life.

But the pounding he felt in his chest wasn’t guilt. Or shame. Or regret.

It was pure, white-hot joy.

Isak: I cut my hair. I changed my name. And I’m also officially known as male.

Even: You’re so fucking brave, Isak. I’m so fucking proud of you <3 <3

Isak: I couldn’t have done it without you.

Even: This might not be something you’re willing to do, but could you send me a picture of yourself right now? I want to see your new hair and that beautiful smile on your face. :P

Isak: How do you know my smile is beautiful?

Even: Because YOU’RE beautiful

Isak: Loser <3

Isak took a quick picture of himself and sent it, holding his breath in slight fear. But he didn’t need to be afraid because this was Even.

Even: Like I said, you’re fucking beautiful and you deserve to be this happy every day. <3

**

**July**

“Isak, you don’t need to transfer schools.” Jonas mumbled, looking at Isak with wide eyes.

“Yes, I do.”

“But… _why?”_

“I need to start fresh somewhere I’m not known as Isobel.” Isak explained simply, shrugging his shoulders.

_And so I can stop being in love with you._

**

**September**

**_Goodbye May Seem Forever </3_ **

Eva: Isak, don’t forget us while you’re off in the land of Bakka <3 <3

Chris: We are still getting together every week!!!

Noora: You’re going to do great tomorrow, Isak. We all love you.

Vilde: You go girl!

Eva: …..

Sana: For fuck’s sake, Vilde

Chris: NEI VILDE

Vilde: You go, boy!!!

Noora: <3

Isak: Thanks guys. I love you all too.

**

Isak was overwhelmed.

He couldn’t find his locker. His schedule was completely wrong. He forgot his lunch. His binder was too small and was killing his back. Every time someone looked at him he was so worried about being misgendered he was giving himself a headache.

By the time the first bell rang, Isak was ready to break down.

He had finally made it to his locker but now the stupid fucking thing wouldn’t open. The halls were empty and he knew he was late but he needed to put down some of these goddamn textbooks or his arms were going to fall off.

“Goddamnit!” He swore, yelling louder than he meant to.

“Hey, hey. It’s all right.” A voice said behind him, laughing lightly.

Isak turned towards the person, looking up but he looked up a bit too far. The boy was sitting in a wheelchair, staring up fondly at Isak with a huge grin on his face. Isak looked down, blushed, because _hello_ this guy was insanely attractive and then stuttered out a greeting.

“Locker troubles?” The boy asked.

“Yeah. It won’t open.” Isak muttered.

Before Isak could say anything else, the boy slammed his hand on the locker. Isak jumped away, watching in awe as the locker popped open.

“There you go.” The boy said, looking smug.

“Uh, thanks.” Isak chuckled.

“No problem. You’re new here, right?”

“Yeah. I’m Isak.”

Isak put out his hand after he dropped his books, hoping that this guy wouldn’t think he was a girl because this is exactly why he’d transferred schools. He needed people to see his true self and he wanted to make a good impression with the first person he had a real conversation with.

“I know.” The boy smiled again, taking Isak’s hand.

_I know?_

Isak frowned, confused.

“I’m Even.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The website Isak is using is a real-life thing and the link is [here](https://www.7cups.com/anonymous-chat/)
> 
> Also, the law that I'm talking about that allows people to change their gender is also a real thing in Norway! I've read that it passed in May 2016 somewhere else, but this source says it was apparently July 2016. We're going to pretend for my story's sake that it's May so Isak could do this on his bday :) Find info about that [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Norway%22)
> 
> Comments welcome and appreciated! <3
> 
> Quote in beginning of chapter from 'One Art' by Elizabeth Bishop.


	2. It Might Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Even's POV**  
> (I didn't mention it yet, but each chapter will be a different POV.)

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are ‘it might have been.’”

Even woke up on the first day of school of his third year feeling like utter garbage. His hands were swollen and his ankles ached and he hadn’t even _moved_ yet.

Awesome.

He debated if he should bother trying to go today. Would it be worth the hassle? The struggle? It would certainly be a shitty way to start off the year, missing class already. He knew there would be days in the future that he’d miss, especially in the cold months. He should try and go while he could.

But as he sat up, creaking and clenching his teeth as the pain surged through his joints, the idea of staying home seemed a lot better. Easier. And nobody would be around to watch him fail at trying to do the simplest of things, like getting a t-shirt over his head.

“Even, I’m off to work.” His father said, knocking on his bedroom door. “You should hurry it up if you’re going to make it on time.”

 _Easy for you to say,_ Even thought to himself.

“Okay.” He called back, attempting to swing his legs over the side of his bed. Slowly.

“Your… wheelchair is right outside the door. Do you need it today?” His father asked, that tone that Even hated creeping into his voice.

It was _pity_. Pity and frustration at having a son who was disabled.

“Yeah.” Even said, barely a whisper. “I’m going to need it today.”

The door opened and his father came in, rolling the wheelchair up towards Even’s bed. He shot Even a small, sympathetic look before turning around. “Have a good day.”

**

Even shoved the concoction of medication he took every morning into his mouth and took a huge swig of orange juice. Good enough for breakfast. He wheeled himself out of the house, locked the door and turned around to head for school. It wasn’t that far of a walk. Or…ride, he should say.

“Greetings earthling!” An all too familiar voice called. Even turned himself around and rolled his eyes at Mikael, who was standing about twenty feet away waving and looking way too chipper for the first day of school.

“Hi you big weirdo.” Even shook his head fondly, accepting the hug that Mikael leaned down to give as soon as he was close enough.

“Live long and prosper.” Mikael winked, holding up his hand in the Vulcan salute that he’d finally learned how to do this summer. Even couldn’t help but laugh.

“Why are we even friends?”

“Because your life would suck without me. Here, let me do it.” Mikael went behind Even’s wheelchair and started pushing him, automatically making Even flush with embarrassment.

“Mik, I can do it myself.”

“I _know_ you can, but your hands look like Teletubbies and I’m perfectly able-bodied over here.” Mikael said matter-of-factly, patting Even on the shoulder and then squeezing. “Let me help, Evy okay?”

Even swallowed thickly, rubbing his hands together. He hated when people had to take care of him. He still wasn’t used to it after all these years. It was probably the worst feeling in the world when he was incapable of doing something that seemed so simple to everyone else and he was forced to have someone do it for him. Like when his mom had to get into the shower with him – with their bathing suits on, thanks very much – and literally shampooed Even’s hair for him because his elbows wouldn’t bend properly. Or when his father had to open a can of soup for him or cut his meat on his plate. Or when Sonja had to type out his essay because it killed his wrists trying to hold them over the keyboard.

The list seemed endless.

“Even? What’s up?” Mikael asked as he pushed Even down the street.

“Same old stuff, Mik. I’m tired of being this way.” Even said honestly, knowing his best friend would see right through him if he tried to lie.

“What _way?_ You’re awesome, Even. I know this for a fact. _”_

Even closed his eyes for a second, trying to compose himself; trying to calm the anger that was in no way aimed at his friend but entirely at his own self.

“ _This_ way, Mikael. I’m in a goddamn wheelchair. I’m in the body of a seventy-five year old and sometimes it fucking sucks, okay? Sometimes I can’t just snap myself out of the misery of it because I’m literally stuck in the wrong body. It isn’t fucking _fair.”_ Even snapped, hating that he was suddenly on the verge of tears.

This wasn’t like him. Even was always optimistic. He was always researching the new studies being done on how to cure chronic illnesses like the one he had, book marking them on his computer because one day he just _knew_ someone would figure out how to cure it. He was part of support groups online. He talked to teens his age all over the world about dealing with their illnesses, trying to share his optimism – usually with movie quotes about not letting the darkness take over because everything was a movie quote to him.

Even had always been proud of his ability to not let his illness take over his life. He still had friends. A girlfriend. He was still involved with things. He still had _dreams_ because he promised himself he would never let being sick dictate what he did with his future.

But then the summer happened.

 _June,_ more specifically had happened and Even felt like part of that optimism, part of that _drive_ within him, had shattered.

Mikael stopped pushing the wheelchair. He leaned over to put the brakes on before he came around and knelt down in front of Even, putting his hands on top of Even’s hands. He looked up at Even with the same look his father did this morning. It was a look that said _I feel so bad for you._

Even wanted to die.

“Don’t look at me like _that._ Mikael, fuck, I can’t stand to see that from you. _Please.”_ Even begged, flinching his hands out from under Mikael’s and bringing them up to his own face; wanting to disappear.

“Even, I’m not looking at you like anything. I just wanted you to see my face when I tell you this, so _look_ at me.” Mikael commanded, a fierceness to his voice that Even didn’t recognize. It was enough to make him look.

“What?” He whispered.

Mikael smiled then; his dorky, crooked grin that Even had once been completely in love with. “You’re allowed to be angry about this sometimes, Evy. You’re allowed to feel sad. I know we’re goofy and we banter because sometimes that helps, but we can also be serious. We don’t always have to deal with it by pretending it never affects you. I _know_ it does.”

Even let the tears fall down his cheeks because he couldn’t help it. Mikael reached up and brushed them away with his knuckles.

“I _hate_ this, Mik. I hate thinking about…what my life could have been without this. I don’t want to feel this way.”

“I know, Ev. I know. But maybe…” Mikael shook his head, searching for words. “Maybe it’s inevitable that you’re going to feel like this some days. You’re not weak if you have days where it feels impossible. You can’t always go around quoting movies and being inspirational. You’re human, man. And you deserve to be able to be honest, especially with yourself.”

Even half chuckled, half sobbed as he looked at Mikael. “Okay, oh _wise one.”_

“Bitch, you know I’m brilliant.” Mikael scoffed, wiping the rest of Even’s tears away.

“Get us to school before the bell rings if you’re so brilliant.” Even challenged, raising his eyebrows.  

“Just watch me.” Mikael smiled, walking around behind Even again to push him.

**

They ended up being late but Even wasn’t surprised. He also wasn’t worried. He waved goodbye to Mikael who was running to his first class and he made his way over to his locker. No point in rushing now.

As he was wheeling towards his locker he took out his phone and smiled down at his current messages from Isak. He was starting at a new school today – Even thought it was too personal to ask where – and from what he could tell Isak was freaking out.

 

Isak: I can’t find my locker :/ :/

Isak: My schedule is wrong. I did NOT sign up for year one English

Isak: I should have just stayed at my other school

Isak: Please tell me something good. This day sucks

Even: Just breathe, Isak. If you’re late I’m sure your teachers will be understanding.

Even: Also, something good is that you’re at a school where everyone will know you by your real name and gender. That’s something I know will be good for you :)

 

Even sighed, putting his phone away. He never expected to meet someone like Isak when he signed up on the chat room. He thought he could help some people who were going through the same thing as him – chronic illness. And he had talked to some guys and girls, but no-one stuck out to him like Isak. Nobody else had come back to Even again and again.

They could talk about so much together and it made Even stupidly happy. They had been talking every day for months now. Even woke up and looked at Isak’s messages before anyone else, including Sonja.

Which was probably yet _another_ sign that Even should break up with her.

Even turned the corner just as he heard someone yell “Goddamnit!” followed by a loud banging noise. There was a guy standing next to Even’s row of lockers, looking flustered and…really familiar. Even squinted a little, trying to see who it was. Maybe it was someone he had classes a lot with last year. Or one of Mikael’s buddies. Or…

_Holy shit._

Even stopped dead, eyes going wide and his heart rate sped up.

It was _Isak._

 _The_ Isak.

Even knew immediately because he’d spent more time than he wanted to admit looking at the picture Isak had sent him; the day he changed is gender and name and got a haircut. He looked so happy that day. So… _beautiful._

Isak looked seconds away from crying right now though as he stared at what was presumably his locker, willing it to open with his mind. Before Even could decide whether this was a good idea or not, he rolled himself over to Isak.

“Hey, hey. It’s all right.” Even said, not knowing how else to start. He smiled up at Isak who turned and looked where Even would be if he weren’t in a wheelchair before looking down at Even properly, eyes shimmering.

Isak was even more beautiful in person, Even suddenly thought to himself.

“Locker troubles?”

Isak wiped at his face as he said, “Yeah. It won’t open.”

Even felt bad for Isak because hadn’t the guy just told Even how he couldn’t _find_ his locker, and now it wouldn’t open for him? Not a fun way to start at his new school.

Isak’s new school was _Even’s_ school, a fantasy Even had played out multiple times in his head since Isak had mentioned leaving his school.

Even moved closer to the locker and tried out a trick he used to open his own locker. Slamming his hand down it, the door instantly popped open and Even laughed; proud of himself. “There you go.” Even looked up to Isak to see if he was impressed and it seemed like he was.

_Score._

“Uh, thanks.” Isak smiled, flashing his teeth at Even.

Even felt like he was star-struck. He’d spent so much time these past few months wanting to meet Isak, and now here he was. Right in front of Even. He wanted Isak to know that he was safe, that Even wouldn’t judge him. Even was his friend online and now they could be friends here too.

So when Isak introduced himself, Even couldn’t help but say “I know. I’m Even.”

Isak’s little confused frown turned into a slow realization. Even could practically see the shift in Isak’s eyes as he looked down at Even, now comprehending who he was.

_Please don’t run._

“Even? Like…Montague97?” Isak asked, the words a whisper.

“Yeah. I…” Even ran a hand across the back of his neck, nervous. “I saw you and recognized you. I hope it’s all right that I…”

But before Even could finish his sentence Isak threw his arms around Even in a tight hug, letting out a happy breath into Even’s hair. Even immediately hugged back, warmth washing over him.

“Wow. What are the fucking odds?” Isak said, practically in Even’s lap now which was entirely fine with Even.

“It’s kind of crazy. But I’m happy to finally meet you.” Even said, expecting Isak to let go.

But he _didn’t._

He kept his arms around Even firmly, not saying anything. Isak’s hands suddenly balled into fists as he held onto Even’s jean jacket, his body freezing. Even was confused for a second before he realized that Isak was _crying,_ trying to hold it back.

“Isak. _Isak._ Hey, hey. It’s okay.”

“ _Shit.”_ Isak swore, burying his face in Even’s neck now. Even felt the hot tears hit his skin and he only held Isak closer.

“Issy, don’t cry. It’s all right.” Even whispered, running a soothing hand down Isak’s back.

“I’m just…so _happy_ that it’s you. That you’re here with me.” Isak continued, still clinging to Even like he’d fall off the planet if he let go.

Even smiled at the words, pushing Isak back a little so that he could see his face. He didn’t care that Isak’s cheeks were covered in tears or that his skin was red and blotchy.

“I’m happy too, Isak. God, I’ve wanted to meet you for months now.”

Isak sniffled and it was the most adorable thing Even had ever seen. “Really?”

“ _Really.”_

Isak wiped at his face, smiling again. “I’m sorry for…this.” He gestured to his tears. “It’s been a stressful fucking day and it’s not even 10am.”

“It’s fine, I understand. Where’s your first class? I’ll take you.” Even offered.

Isak glanced down at his schedule and then showed Even the classroom number. To Even’s ultimate surprise, they were in first period together. Math.

“What?” Isak asked, seeing the expression on Even’s face.

“You’re in my class.”

Isak blushed. “Oh. Really? I, um…I signed up for an advanced class. Just happened to be a third year one.”

“Cute _and_ smart, huh?” Even raised his eyebrows and then winked.

Isak just blushed harder.

“Well, allow me.” Even patted his lap when Isak closed his locker. “I’ll give you a lift to class.”

Isak choked a little and his face managed to turn a shade darker than before. “ _What?”_

“Come and sit on me. I’ll wheel us to Advanced Math, smarty pants.”

Isak hesitated for a few more seconds but then sat gently on top of Even, holding his feet up off the ground. Even took Isak’s hands and put them around his own neck.

“For stability, you know.”

“Sure.” Isak grinned.

**

Once Isak knew that Even could actually wheel them both, his body relaxed into Even’s entirely. He even put his face back into the crook of Even’s neck like he had when they hugged and then he laughed, muttering something about this being a cheesy first meeting.

Even of course agreed that it was cheesy, but that they were also fucking adorable so it didn’t matter.

Part of Even was screaming at himself. _You’re dating someone else._ But the other part of him just wanted to get as close as possible to the boy on his lap, who was soft and wonderful and everything Even imagined he’d be.

“I’m sorry we don’t really talk about you much.” Isak said, just as they stopped in front of their class. “I didn’t know you were in a wheelchair.”

Even shook his head. “I’m not in it all the time, but some days I need it. Like today.”

“Where does it hurt?”

Isak was looking into Even’s eyes with such sincerity that it made Even’s heart _ache._

“My wrists and ankles today.” He whispered.

Isak reached for Even’s right wrist and cradled it in his hands, squeezing down a little on the main joint in his wrist. The pressure and heat from Isak’s hands felt divine and Even let out a soft, involuntary noise.

“Did that hurt?” Isak asked, pulling away and frowning.

“No. _No._ It felt nice.” Even rushed to say, motioning for Isak to do the same with his left wrist.

As Isak cradled the wrist, he gave Even a thoughtful look. “Do you remember when you said you were here for me? That I could rant to you any time I needed to?”

Even nodded slowly.

“I’m here for you too, okay?”

Before Even could reply, Isak brought the wrist up to his mouth and put a soft, barely-there kiss on the inside of it; the touch tickling Even and making him shiver.

“Okay.” Even said, his voice shaky. Isak flashed a quick smile, looking about as stunned as Even felt.

_I’m feeling too much._

“Even?”

Both boys jumped at the sound of the voice. Isak leapt off of Even’s lap and turned towards the door of the classroom which was now ajar; someone’s head poking out and looking at them.

“You’re late for class.” Sonja snapped, eyeing Isak up and down with a frown on her face.

Even realized with a horrible punch to his gut that Sonja was in his first class too and they had gotten into quite the argument two days ago. They hadn’t talked since then. He had meant to message her this weekend but he’d gotten caught up with other things.

Caught up _talking to Isak._

“We’ll be right there.” Even replied, forcing himself to keep his eyes on his girlfriend.

“Okay.” She said, lingering another moment before heading back into the classroom.

“We should go in.” Isak said, framing it as a question.

Even nodded. “Yeah, probably.”

“Sorry I made you late. You didn’t have to…stop for me or anything.” Isak mumbled, looking down at the floor.

“Isak, you didn’t make me late. I got to school late all by myself.” Even assured him, wheeling close so he could take Isak’s hand. “You okay? Feeling better now?”

Isak bit down on his bottom lip and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Good. Let’s go in.”

**

Five minutes after they walked in and found seats, Even felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He glanced over at Isak first, but Isak didn’t have his phone out. He had his hands folded on top of his desk, face still flushed and paying attention to the teacher. He’d unfortunately been placed in the first row so sneaking in a text here and there would be kind of impossible.

Even was in the back and so was Sonja, who he looked over at next. She was glaring at him, her phone in her hands and she raised her eyebrows expectantly.

 _Answer me,_ is what her face said.

Even pulled out his phone and read all three of her messages.

 

Sonja: Who is that freakishly tall girl?

Sonja: Why was she on your _lap?_

Sonja: Are you seriously staring at her right now?? What the hell, Even?

 

Even cringed at the use of Isak’s wrong pronoun before he typed back quickly.

 

Even: That’s Isak. He’s not a girl. He’s my friend and he was upset. I was trying to cheer him up.

Even: Calm down.

 

Even looked back over at Sonja who was reading his response. She looked up after that and her face was a lot softer. She nodded at him, smiled a little, and then put her phone back in her pocket.

Even put his phone away as well, turning back to look at his teacher. But immediately his eyes were drawn to Isak and he thought to himself, _fuck._

This was going to be an interesting year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... I have no idea if it's possible for 2nd years to take 3rd year classes in Norway?? Forgive me if that is not a thing, but I needed an excuse for Even, Isak and Sonja to all be in the same class :P Also, in this universe Even is not behind a year. 
> 
> And I know, Sonja?? Is together with Even?? Ick?? I know, I know. Sorry. But I think we all know what happens there ;) Be patient with me. 
> 
> Quote in beginning from Kurt Vonnegut. 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated!


	3. Not a Mistake

“Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterwards.”

 

Isak wanted to smack himself in the face. Had he really just cried in front of Even, thrown himself all over the guy, and then _kissed_ his wrist?

That wasn’t what _friends_ did. That wasn’t what you did with someone when you first met them either. He felt so fucking stupid as he sat in his first class, his teacher giving him confused looks – probably trying to figure out if he was male or female – and he could practically feel Even’s eyes staring at the back of his head.

The thing was, Isak had just been overwhelmingly happy to meet Even.

_Even._

This perfect, nice, supportive guy who had come into Isak’s life not that long ago but was a huge part of it now. The guy who stayed up until the wee hours of the morning sending Isak links on how to come out as trans, or stupid memes to cheer him up, or just lyrics to songs that he thought Isak might like.

Isak couldn’t help but cry because the entire morning all he kept thinking was how much he wished he could be with Even; how much he wanted to have Even with him on this first day. And then that had _come true_ like some kind of fairy tale. Isak had been absolutely floored.

And now that Even was _real;_ an actual person Isak could touch, suddenly his life seemed to brighten. He felt lighter than he had in months and especially better than he had this morning.

Isak had woken up, showered, got dressed and came downstairs to have breakfast with his family like he’d been doing all his life.

But things weren’t the same anymore.

Isak was _Isak,_ not Isobel. He was going to Bakka, not Nissen. He didn’t have his group of friends waiting for him to walk to school with them. He didn’t have his mother kissing his cheek and wishing him a good first day, or his father sneaking a treat into his lunch bag.

Isak had a bowl of cereal waiting for him at his spot at the table, his mother not dressed but standing next to the sink in her house coat. Lea was on the phone in the living room, half eating a banana and his father had left for work early.

Terje hadn’t been home much lately.

Other than Lea’s light voice, the house was deathly quiet. Isak could hear himself chewing and it was making him feel crazy. He kept glancing at his mother who was staring out the window, her face pinched and unhappy.

_I did this to her._

Isak wanted her to say something. _Anything._ He wanted to hear his mother talk about her friends, or gossip about a new person who had moved into their neighbourhood. He wanted to hear her gush over the latest episode of her show, or pull Isak against her the way she used to; pinching his cheeks and calling him ‘her baby.’

He wanted some sign of life.

But she never looked at him, not even when he put his empty bowl in the sink next to her and said, “Mom, I’m leaving.” She hadn’t even moved.

“Come on.” Lea called, standing next to the door and waving to Isak. “We’re going to be late if we don’t go now.”

Isak shot his mother one final look before he grabbed his backpack and headed out the door with his sister. She put an arm around his waist and squeezed.

“She’ll come around, Is.”

Isak shook his head. “I don’t think so, Lea. I think I’m kind of dead to her. I’m an embarrassment.”

Lea pulled him against her tighter and he leaned into the embrace. They had always been close growing up, not giving in to sibling rivalry. It just never happened. Isak always thought it was because they were too kind, and too similar. They always just got along, even though there was a four year age gap. They always understood each other.

Isak had never been worried about losing his sister.

“You’re not embarrassing. Anyone who thinks so is just an idiot. It’s the twenty-first century. People need to unclench.” Lea smirked, flashing her crooked teeth at her brother.

Isak burst of laughing before he tickled her side. “You’re too smart for your own good.”

“Doesn’t that sound familiar?” Lea quipped, running in the opposite direction to head to her own school, waving and blowing him kisses.

Isak walked the rest of the way to Bakka, texting Even and feeling thankful that he had such an awesome sibling. But his stomach was all nerves and he felt slightly sick by the time he got to the front doors of the school.

Switching schools had seemed like a good idea in theory. Isak thought he’d be able to be himself more. He’d start off as Isak right away, not Isobel who was suddenly Isak and male; undoubtedly getting misgendered every day if he’d stayed at Nissen. He hadn’t wanted to deal with the stress of _that._

But being in a new school was a whole other pile of stress. He didn’t know anyone, for starters. He didn’t know the school. There was also the matter of bathrooms and change rooms because he didn’t have the body of what people considered a boy. That was probably going to be a discussion with the principal in the coming days.

And despite Isak changing his gender and name, Isak still sounded like Isobel. His voice was too high. His hips were too wide. Boys’ clothes didn’t fit him the way he wanted. Shirts were too loose in the shoulders, too tight around his waist. He didn’t have any hair on his face.

For all intents and purposes, Isak thought he still _looked_ like a girl. And that was causing him another kind of stress that made him sweat and constantly check himself, wondering if he sounded like an actual guy; catching eyes with people and seeing their confused faces as they sized him up.

Like right now. His teacher kept glancing at him all through the lesson. Isak was trying to tell himself that it was because Isak just started here and none of the teachers recognized him. But he had a feeling it had everything to do with the fact that he didn’t look male yet.

“Your name?” The teacher asked, stopping in front of Isak’s desk after he had instructed everyone to get into pairs. Isak had been in the process of turning around to see if Even was available but his teacher stopped him.

“Uh. Isak Valtersen. I’m new.” He said, clearing his voice and wishing it were deeper.

“Isak.” The teacher frowned, again looking him up and down. “ _Isak._ Funny. I’ve only ever taught _male_ Isaks. I guess everything goes these days.”

_Fuck._ Isak’s chest was suddenly tight.

“I _am_ a boy, actually.”  

The teacher paused again, looking taken aback this time. “What?”

“He said he’s a _boy_. I’ll be partners with him.”

Isak turned and saw Even rolling down the aisle between desks, flashing Isak a huge smile. He stopped when he was sitting right next to Isak and he glanced back up at their teacher.

“You know this girl, Even?” The teacher asked.

Isak shrunk down in his seat a little, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him.

“Isak is _not_ a girl. For the millionth time. Can we get on with our task now?” Even snapped, his tone icy and annoyed. Isak stared down at his desk, feeling his cheeks colour.

“Oh. Um, right. Go ahead then boys.” The teacher stammered, looking embarrassed. “Sorry about that, Isak.”

“That’s all right.” Isak said as he walked away, looking back at Even.

“He’s an old baby boomer who just needs to be put in his place. Don’t stress, okay?” Even said, reaching out and squeezing Isak’s hands for a quick second, the gesture comforting.

“Okay.” Isak smiled, feeling grateful.

“So what the hell do you know about geometry?”

**

Isak was so enamored with Even that he barely paid attention to what it was they were trying to do in the class. He caught himself smiling as the skin around Even’s eyes crinkled when he laughed, or how when he talked with his hands constantly Isak had this intense urge to hold him.

It was ridiculous, but Isak couldn’t help it.

It wasn’t until the same girl who had come out into the hallway earlier caught Isak’s eye and gave him a death glare that he finally stopped looking at Even. _Shit._ Maybe she was the girlfriend, or at least someone who knew Even well and was sizing Isak up. Either way, it was clear that she didn’t like the way Isak was looking at Even and Isak didn’t need any trouble on his very first day.

Isak felt his phone going off in his pocket and he figured it was either Jonas or his friends checking up on him, wanting to know how his day was going. He rolled his eyes a little because it was only the first period. They seriously needed to _chill._

But he also couldn’t help but feel so fucking glad that none of them had abandoned him the way he had fully expected them to. Maybe that was wrong of him to assume his good friends who he’d known most of his life would just drop him, but that came from his own fear; not necessarily how he felt about them.

“So, what do you think?” Even suddenly asked, looking at Isak expectantly.

_Fuck._ Isak didn’t have a clue what they were working on, which sucked because he wanted to show that he was worthy of being in this class. Isak knew that he was smart.

“S-sorry. I’m kind of distracted.”

“That’s okay.  What’s on your mind?” Even asked, glancing up to see if their teacher was anywhere near their table. Luckily, he wasn’t.

“Nothing. I’m okay.”

“Isak. Come on.” Even insisted, his voice just as kind as Isak always imagined it would be.

Isak sighed deeply and ran a hand across his face. “It’s just a lot, you know? Being in a new school. Not knowing anyone. Then meeting _you._ It’s just been…a lot.”

Even looked a little disappointed when Isak said that meeting him had been a lot.

“Meeting you was amazing. I’m happy about that.” Isak quickly went on, wanting to reach out and touch Even. But then he remembered the girl watching so he didn’t try. “I guess I’m just worried about…how people will see me here. The teacher already thought…”

“Fuck him.” Even interrupted. “Fuck anyone who makes a thing of it. I’ll watch out for you. I’m here if you need anything and I know a lot of people in this school. If someone gives you trouble just point them out.”

“I just wish you didn’t _have_ to do that. I wish I could…blend in.” Isak whispered. “I wish I knew how to do _this._ How to act like I’ve been a guy my whole life.”

Even opened his mouth to continue, but then the teacher was suddenly right next to Isak and asking how their work was coming along. Even made up some bullshit story about what they were working on and their theories on how to solve the problem, which seemed to impress the teacher. Isak hid a smirk under his hand, thankful for the save.

“Isak, maybe you just need to think about the kind of guy _you_ want to be, as opposed to what you think guys are supposed to be. I know a lot of cis-guys who are complete jackasses. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be like them.” Even chuckled, shaking his head.

“Cis-guys?” Isak frowned.

“Yeah. Cis means your gender matches what you were born at birth. Trans is when it doesn’t match. Get with it, Isak.” Even teased, pinching the skin on Isak’s arm playfully.

Isak just smiled back, his cheeks beginning to hurt.

As the bell rang and Even went back to his own desk to grab his bag, Isak felt a little nervous about what his next class would bring considering Even was probably not going to be with him again. But he steeled himself, trying to put on a brave face as Even rolled back over to him.

“What’s next for you? I’ll point you in the right direction.” Even beamed.

Isak looked down at his schedule to figure it out when the girl walked over to them and put an arm around Even’s shoulders, bending down to kiss his cheek.

“Hey baby.” She said, her voice low and sultry. She flicked her eyes back up to Isak and looked him over, just as Isak caught the uncomfortable look on Even’s face. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Sonja. Even’s girlfriend. And you?”

She held out her hand to Isak and he took it, shaking. He tried to smile but it fell short.

“Hi. I’m Isobe…” Isak cut himself off, mortified. Why the fuck did he almost say the wrong name? “Isak.”

“Isoisak?” Sonja laughed, the sound harsh. “That’s a funny name.”

“Isak. I told you his name is Isak, Sonja.” Even cut in, giving Isak a sympathetic glance. “So, where are you off to next, _Isak?”_ Even said his name crisply, rolling it on his tongue.

“Norwegian.” Isak mumbled, again wishing he could disappear; evaporate into the clouds.

“Cool. Come with me. I’ll take you since it’s on the way to my next class.” Even pushed himself out of the classroom and turned to the right, checking to make sure Isak was following him.

“Bye!” Sonja called, waving. Even waved back but didn’t turn to look at her, choosing instead to look up at Isak.

They walked in silence, Isak not knowing what to say. Or what to feel. He tried not to make eye contact with anyone but it was kind of impossible considering how packed the halls were. Again, he got weird looks from people. Girls frowned at him a lot. Guys seemed to just stare openly, like Isak was some kind of side-show in a circus; their big eyes gawking at him.

Isak was feeling a little warm all of a sudden. Waves of heat were prickling across his skin. His breath was coming a little too quick. His mind was spinning and spinning.

_This was a mistake. This was a mistake._

He wanted to see Eva’s face smiling at him, arms open like they always were for a hug. Or maybe Vilde who sometimes said dumb shit but knew how to comfort him, tell him something good about the world. He wanted Sana to talk some sense into him, give the people around him intimidating looks as she held onto him; giving some of the boys the middle finger if they sneered.

He wanted to bury himself in Chrissy’s shoulder, feel her strong arms around him; talking about her boy troubles or Casper, or just something funny.

He wanted Jonas. He wanted Jonas to look at him again the way he always used to; the soft eyes and warm smile, face entirely focused on Isak as he said ‘I love you.’

He wanted to feel like he was _loved_ again. He wanted something familiar.

“Isak? Isak, hey. Look at me.”

Isak stopped walking abruptly and looked down at Even who was clinging to his wrist. He had been so lost in thought that he didn’t realize he was outside his next classroom.

“I…sorry. I was just… _sorry.”_ He stammered, trying to snap himself out of this. He didn’t want to break down. He didn’t want this to happen.

This was supposed to be his new beginning, his fresh start.

This was a _good_ thing.

Breaking up with Jonas had been a good thing. Coming to Bakka had been a good thing.

It was fine. Isak was _fine._

“Thanks for showing me…I should probably…you’re going to be late, Even. I’m all right.” Isak said, trying to smile.

_Keep smiling, Isobel,_ his mother would say. It’s what she always wrote in his birthday and Christmas cards. Keep smiling. _I love you my darling girl._

Isak closed his eyes for a brief second.

“But Isak, you look… _white._ Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. I’m good. See you later.” Isak rushed, pushing the door open to his Norwegian class before Even could say anything else. Isak made himself not look back. He didn’t want to see the look on Even’s face.

He didn’t want Even to _pity_ him.

Luckily, he got a spot in the back row this time which made him feel better. He didn’t like being right in the front where he could never escape his teacher’s eyes. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and saw immediately that he’d been right when thinking it was his friends who were messaging him.

**5 fine frøkner & Isak <3 <3 **

Vilde: How is your first day going Isak??

Chris: Yeah, let us know! We love you!

Sana: Don’t take shit from anyone.

Eva: Come over later. We’re going to have pizza!!

Noora: <3 Sending you good vibes, Issy.

 

Isak felt tears rush into his eyes. This is exactly what he needed. He started to reply when another message popped up.

 

Even: Hey Isak. I’m here if you need anything. Come and find me in the cafeteria at lunch time. <3

Isak: Thanks, Even. Sorry. I’m really okay.

Even: I know you are. You’re so fucking brave and strong, Isak. Don’t forget that.

Isak: <3

 

Isak panicked for a second after he sent a heart emoji. Dudes didn’t send other dudes heart emojis did they? Wasn’t that kind of a girl thing? But Even had sent one first. And Isak remembered what Even said about being his own kind of guy, not giving in to the stereotypes of masculinity which were completely fucked, by the way.  Noora had made a whole power-point presentation about that a year ago and Isak had been entirely changed.

**5 fine frøkner & Isak <3 <3 **

Isak: Thanks guys. I love you all. Today has been stressful, I won’t lie and my mom won’t look at me. But I don’t regret this. At all.

Sana: Your mom is kind of a bitch, anyways. Don’t stress.

Eva: Like I said, pizza after school. Pizza makes everything better. <3

Chris: I’m sending you a big hug!!!

Vilde: You’re amazing, Isak.

**

Just as Isak was heading to the cafeteria to meet Even, he heard his name over the speaker system. _Isak Valtersen please come to the main office. Isak Valtersen._

Isak froze mid-step and nearly got knocked over by a group of girls.

He looked around, trying to see if there were signs to point him in the direction of the main office. He followed them, heart thundering in his chest as he opened the main office doors. A secretary looked up at him and raised her eyebrows.

“I’m Isak. I was just called here.”

“Right. Go through there.” She said, motioning for him to go into the principal’s office.

Isak swallowed the lump in his throat and walked through the doorway. He caught eyes with an older man who smiled at Isak, his grey hair a mess on top of his head. “Come in.” He said kindly.

“I’m Isak.”

“I know. Nice to meet you.” The man said, standing up and extending his hand. “I’m Mr. Lunde. Have a seat.”

Isak sat and automatically crossed his legs, which was something his mother had told him to do since birth. But he was now insanely aware of how girlish that was. A lot of guys took up space with their legs, sitting with their thighs apart. Isak awkwardly shuffled, leaning back a bit and spreading his legs. It felt weird but _better_ – more boyish - so he went with it.

“I won’t take up much of your time, Isak. I know you’re probably hungry. I just wanted to talk to you about being a new student, and a student who may have…special needs.” Mr. Lunde said, clearing his throat.

Isak’s eyes went a little wide.

“Special…needs?”

“I saw on your transcripts that all you identification still states that you’re female.” Mr. Lunde said matter-of-factly.

“That’s in the process of changing. I’m waiting for a new…”

“I know. It’s all right, Isak.” Mr. Lunde interrupted, his face kind and open. Isak let out a breath of relief. “I understand, and it’s entirely all right. I just wanted to discuss your options for things like gym class or when you use a bathroom. Are you comfortable using the boy’s bathroom?”

_No_ , Isak immediately thought. No, because he always had to use the stall. Isak had started going into the men’s bathrooms during the summer and it had been awkward as fuck at first. Men gave him strange looks and there was only ever two stalls in the bathrooms because most men used urinals. Isak couldn’t do that. So he was left to wait until someone came out of a stall, which then smelled terrible, but Isak didn’t have any other choice.

“We also have bathrooms meant for students with disabilities and those are gender neutral, if that makes you more comfortable.” Mr. Lunde offered, obviously seeing Isak’s hesitation.

“Okay. I think that would be best for now.” Isak said in a small voice.

“No problem. Those are on the first floor, right near our office actually. Now, I see you’re signed up for gym. How do you feel about change rooms?”

Isak hesitated again because that was also not an easy question. He knew he didn’t want to go into the women’s change rooms. If he passed at all as male, the girls would think he was creepy. And if he didn’t pass, he imagined he would just look like a stereotypical lesbian and that would _also_ gain him some weird looks. But then if he used the boys’ change rooms, he would have to take his clothes off in front of boys who had the bodies that Isak _wanted;_ flat chests and narrow hips.

It was kind of a lose-lose situation.

“I…could use the bathroom to change?” Isak finally asked.

“Of course. No problem.” Mr. Lunde nodded. “I’ll just let your gym teacher know about it. If you’re ever a few minutes late, I’ll ask him not to discipline you.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“My pleasure, Isak. You let me know if you need anything else, okay?” The older man smiled.

“I will.”

**

Even: Are you coming to the cafeteria? I saved you a spot.

Isak: On my way. I was talking to the principal.

Even: He’s a cool guy

Isak: The coolest :P

 

Isak was in the process of putting his phone back into his pocket when he felt it vibrate again. He rolled his eyes because he was literally about to see Even in one minute. But when he looked down, it wasn’t Even’s name that he saw.

It was Jonas.

Jonas: Hey, Is. I just wanted to say that I hope your first day is going well. It’s weird being here without you. I really miss you. <3 I know you have to do this though. Do you want to come over tonight? I was hoping we could talk. <3

 

Isak read the message over three times before he managed to think of a reply.

 

Isak: Hi Jonas, I miss you too. What do we need to talk about?

Jonas: Us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote in beginning from Oscar Wilde. 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated!


	4. A Shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really sad to put this story on hold for the last few weeks, but my life has been more chaotic than ever. I am hoping to update at least once a week, but I can't promise this. I won't give up on the story though because it's very dear to me and I'm realizing, because it relates to a lot of things in my own life, this story needs to be written. 
> 
> Heads up for transphobia in this chapter. **I am in no way trying to imply that what happens in this chapter happens in Norway a lot, for I don't know this. But this is meant to show the kind of struggles trans people may deal with on a daily basis anywhere in the world**

_“I’ve started to feel very odd within my own life. It’s most peculiar to feel lonely inside your own life.”_

Even was nervously twitching his leg as he waited to see Isak come through the cafeteria doors. Isak said he would be here. Even had wanted to make Isak feel comfortable during his first lunch at a new school. But Sonja was sitting next to him, talking about something he didn’t care about, and Mikael was on his other side frowning at him curiously.

Even wanted some _alone_ time with Isak. He wanted a chance for them to be able to actually talk. And the fact that Even wanted that so badly was driving him insane. He shouldn’t want to be with anyone as much as he wanted to be with his girlfriend. His person. The girl he had once loved completely.

Even didn’t know when Sonja became something he barely thought about.

“Even, are you listening?” Sonja asked, waving a hand in front of his face.

He turned to look at her and knew he looked sheepish. “Um.”

Sonja rolled her eyes, looking at him in the way she did when he had really annoyed her. She stood up and grabbed her food.

“Whatever. See you later.”

“Sonja, wait. I’m _sorry.”_ Even tried, suddenly feeling guilty. He wanted to force his mind to actively think of her and not Isak.

She hesitated, not facing him, and Mikael motioned at Even to say something else; something to make her feel like Even really did care about what she’d been saying.

“Lets…go on a date tonight. I’ll take us to our favourite place.“ Even offered, grasping her hand and tugging until she was looking at him again. “Please?”

Her face was still tight and she was obviously still annoyed, but she also nodded; biting at her bottom lip.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?” Even smiled, bringing her hand up to his lips and placing a kiss there. She smiled brightly this time and even blushed; like they hadn’t done everything together over the past four years. Like somehow this was new to her.

She was still so in love with him and he felt like a fucking asshole.

“Yeah, but you’re paying.” She quipped, ruffing up his hair before she walked away swaying.

Even took a bite of his food just as Mikael smacked him on the back of his head and he nearly choked from the surprise of it. He glared at his friend and rose his eyebrows, trying to say without words _what the actual fuck._

“Bro.” Mikael said, and when he didn’t elaborate Even just sighed.

“Shut up.”

“ _Bro.”_

“Shut up!”

“Fine. But you’re kind of a dick if you let this go on for much longer. You’re not happy. And she knows it.” Mikael said, also standing up.

“Again with this wise Yoda-like crap. Okay, _bye!”_ Even called, watching his friend walk away.

In the time it took Mikael to walk away, Isak appeared in front of Even’s table; holding a paper bag and kind of blushing as he waved.

Even was so screwed because all he wanted to say was how adorable Isak looked.

“Hey.” Isak smiled, sitting down. Even rolled himself a little closer.

“Hey. I thought I lost you. Lunch is nearly over.” Even cringed as he finished his sentence. _I thought I lost you?_ Ugh. Why was he so lame?

“Yeah, I…” Isak swallowed, looking down at the table. “I was sort of talking to Jonas and it got…awkward.”

“Jonas?” Even frowned.

Isak coloured even more. “My ex.”

Even didn’t really know why his heart sunk in his chest or why he got a little bit dizzy. But then again, maybe he _did_ know.

“Oh.” It was all he could think of to say.

“He wants to talk to me _about us._ That’s what he said anyways. I have no clue what that fucking means, but…” Isak trailed off, taking out an apple from his lunch bag.

Even just nodded, biting into his sandwich. He could imagine what that meant.

“Do you think I should?” Isak asked, looking shy and unsure as he chewed; wide eyes turned to Even.

 _Shit,_ Even thought. He couldn’t really trust himself to speak right now, but he knew Isak needed an answer. He knew Isak was relying on him. Isn’t that what Isak did? He talked to Even about his problems and Even gave advice. Even tried to imagine what he would say if they weren’t face to face; if they were just talking through some kind of device.

“I don’t know, Isak.” Even began, shrugging his shoulders. “I think that depends if you think there’s anything to talk about in terms of your relationship. Maybe he…wants to get back together with you. Maybe not. But either way, there’s that possibility.”

Isak nodded slowly and then sighed.

“I just thought we were over. I thought he…couldn’t handle it. That’s what he said.”

 _Asshole,_ Even suddenly thought. _He doesn’t deserve you._ But then he cursed himself because he didn’t know Isak’s ex-boyfriend or his feelings. He only knew Isak’s side of it, and he was quick to defend Isak if Isak was hurt by someone.

“You never told me that. I’m sorry he…”

“No, I get it.” Isak interrupted, shaking his head. “I know it was hard for him to decide that we couldn’t be together because I know he loves me.”

Even’s appetite kind of vanished. “Yeah.” He said, feeling dumb but he just didn’t have any other words.

“I’m just scared that now he does want to try and I…I don’t know if that’s what I want.”

Isak looked directly into Even’s eyes as he said the words, and it startled Even. There was an intensity to the gaze that Even didn’t understand, couldn’t comprehend; but it made his face flush and his heart beat a little quicker. In a good way.

And then the bell rang, ending the moment.

**

Even hated gym class, but he was forced to take it thanks to the concept of _nobody gets left behind._ Even rolled his eyes just thinking of it. Of course people like him got left behind because he had to stay on the sidelines of the gym while he watched the boys his age running and jumping, throwing basketballs into hoops from normal heights.

He got to stay in one place and lift some weights, because _exercising your arms is just as beneficial as basketball!_ According to his teacher.

Yeah fucking right.

But Even suffered through it because he had to and he was used to it. He tried to remind himself that this wouldn’t always be the way things were. He had okay days where he could stand and jog a little bit, shoot some hoops or kick a ball around. He’d survived this far with bad joints.

He always used to laugh it off and keep extra basketballs near his wheelchair, throwing them at his friends and cackling when he ended up tripping them. They would laugh too and it was all okay. Even was the disabled kid who had a great attitude about his disability and didn’t let it define him.

His teacher even offered to let him have some extra basketballs to shoot today, a hopeful stare on his face, but Even had declined.

“I’m good to lift weights today.” He’d shrugged, wheeling himself into the corner where he knew he wouldn’t be in anyone’s way.

The hour passed slowly and as everyone headed into the change room to get back into their regular clothes, Even rolled himself slowly after them. He wouldn’t be able to shower like everyone else but he also didn’t need to because he hadn’t worked up much of a sweat.

Even was just turning the corner into the change rooms when he heard a bunch of laughter and shouting, the voices echoing off the walls; creating a muffled, loud mess of sound. He frowned as he got closer, recognizing that the shouting wasn’t _good._ Someone was getting made fun of and a lot of other boys were joining in on the torment.

“What the hell! This isn’t your fucking change room!”

“Yeah, it’s the other way!”

Uproarious laughter followed and Even had an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wheeled himself closer to the circle of boys who were standing around someone.

_Please, please don’t let it be him._

“Do you just want to perve on all the guys, baby girl?” A third year boy Even hated sneered, patting his friend on the shoulder.

“I bet she does. Never seen a guy naked before?”

“Get out of the way!” Even suddenly shouted, pushing two boys in front of him to the side. He was trying to see the person in the middle; the person who was sitting on a bench with their hands over their ears in an attempt to block out all the shouting and laughter.

The circle broke up and a couple of boys shot Even worried glances, like they were suddenly aware of what they were doing; that they maybe couldn’t believe they were doing such a thing. They backed off and let Even through, allowing him to finally see.

He instantly felt cold all over.

“ _Isak.”_ He said, reaching a hand out to touch Isak’s shoulder. “Hey. It’s me.”

Isak flinched violently as Even’s hand made contact with his skin, and he looked up at Even; tears in his eyes and an expression that made it clear he was ready to fight. But then his face softened as he recognized Even.

“Even, I…” Isak shuddered, tears streaming down his face.

It was then that Even realized people were _still_ standing around, grins on their faces as they looked down at Isak and Even; like it was a fucking hilarious thing to see. Even had never been angrier in his entire life and he couldn’t control the rage that poured out of him.

“What the hell is your problem, huh? You think it’s funny to gang up on the new kid? Way to make him feel welcome, you goddamn pieces of shit! Why don’t you laugh at me, hm? Let’s all laugh at Even who’s in a fucking wheelchair. Isn’t it so fucking funny how he can’t stand up today?” Even screamed, pausing to breathe.

The room was dead silent now.

“No?” He continued. “Nobody wants to laugh at that? Nobody wants to look at me like I’m a fucking outcast?”

“Even, _it’s okay.”_ Isak whispered, wiping the tears off his face.

“No, it’s not okay! Nothing about this is okay. It’s not okay that you’re all standing around someone who is clearly upset, laughing and jeering at him like he’s a sideshow in a fucking circus! Get the fuck away. All of you.” Even spat, close to tears now himself; close to throwing punches.

_Why was the world so cruel?_

“Him?” Someone asked, sounding guilty. The boy walked forward, looking at Even with his arms wrapped around his own chest. “He’s…a guy?”

“Fuck you. You don’t get to ask stupid fucking questions like that.”

Slowly, everyone started walking away; back to their hooks to put on their proper clothes. Some people were mumbling to each other, but nobody was laughing. Nobody looked happy anymore, and Even tried to slow his breathing. He tried to stop hyperventilating.

It was the feeling of Isak gripping his hand that brought things back into focus for him.

“Are you okay?” Isak asked, leaning in close. “Fuck, Even. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to have to do this. I’m not even supposed to be in here. I was going to change in the bathroom but I thought…I just wanted to _try._ I wanted to see if it would really be that bad to change in here.”

Why was Isak apologizing? Even’s brain couldn’t comprehend it.

“There wasn’t anyone in here at first. Your class was still in the gym. I was going to change quickly and be done with it, but then people started to come in just as I took my shirt off and…”

“ _Isak,_ stop. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I should have changed where I said I would.” Isak said, shaking his head. “God, this was such a fucking mistake. I wish I hadn’t done this. _This…_ being looked at like that…it’s worse than when…”

“No, Isak. No, no.” Even tried to intervene, but Isak was standing up and getting his things. “This _isn’t_ a mistake.”

“I’m not strong enough for this. I wish I were…but I’m not.”

And then Isak was out the door.

**

Even: Isak, where are you?

Let’s meet up and go somewhere

Isak?

Please let me know you’re okay

Let me help

 

Isak didn’t reply for another half an hour. Even was in his next class, completely unable to focus and he actually jumped as he felt his phone vibrate.

 

Isak: I went home

Thanks for everything today

I don’t think I’ll be going back again

<3

 

Even closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions he was feeling. Why did Isak’s first day have to be absolutely riddled with awfulness? He didn’t want Isak to give up.

 

Even: Please try again tomorrow, Isak <3

You deserve to be yourself. Don’t let all those assholes get in your way.

You always have me.

**

Isak didn’t reply for the rest of the school day and Even met up with Sonja after school feeling kind of defeated, sore and in no way looking forward to their date.

But he also knew Sonja deserved his attention.

She deserved her boyfriend to actually _try._

“Baby, you look exhausted.” She said, leaning down to place a kiss on his dry lips before she started to push his wheelchair.

“I am. But, I want us to have a good night together, okay?” He said, and it was the truth. He _did_ want to have a nice night with his girlfriend.

He just didn’t think he would actually be able to focus on her. He knew someone else would be on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote in beginning by one of my favourite authors, Jackie Kay. I highly recommend her. 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated! :)


	5. Being Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I had some free time today and wrote more. Yay! Hope you enjoy :)

_“And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed.”_

Isak walked home wearing his gym clothes, arms around himself. He hadn’t brought his backpack or the books he needed and he knew he would get in trouble for skipping on the first day, but he didn’t care.

He just needed to get _out._

He was out of breath by the time he got home and it looked seconds away from raining. He walked to his front door and was about to let out a relieved sigh when he realized that no backpack meant no front door keys.

_Fuck._

“Fuck!” He yelled, slamming his hands down on the door in his frustration.

His parents were at work. His sister was at school. The neighbours who Isak’s mother had given spare keys to were probably at work too, and Isak didn’t want to face them anyways. His mother had begged him not to talk to any neighbours after he cut his hair and he promised he wouldn’t if she would stop calling him _her darling daughter._

Isak sat down with his back to the door, defeated. He wasn’t about to go back to school. No way in hell. He would just have to wait until Lea got home from school.

About a minute later though, the door swung open and Isak fell backwards; barely avoiding hitting his head on the kitchen floor. He looked up into the face of his mother.

“Why are you home?” She whisper-shouted, pulling on Isak’s arm until he was upright. She glanced around outside, probably making sure nobody was watching, before she yanked him into the house. “ _Why_ are you _home?”_ She repeated, walking past Isak into the living room.

He followed slowly, realizing sadly that he wouldn’t get any sympathy from his mother about this.

“I felt…sick.” He lied, sitting down on the couch; wishing he could just sleep.

His mother sat across from him, hair done neatly; makeup perfect. Her legs were crossed like she was straight out of a 1950s how-to-be-a-housewife-magazine and she smelled like roses. But her hands were also shaking.

“Why are _you_ home?” Isak asked, keeping his voice soft.

“Isobel, I…”

“ _Isak.”_ He interrupted, something he was doing a lot of recently. He didn’t care if she rolled her eyes or scoffed at him. He needed her to use his proper name.

“You know I won’t call you that.” She snapped, shaking her head; looking down at her freshly done nails. She examined her smooth cuticles before looking back up at him.

This time, she had tears in her eyes.

“Mamma…”

“I haven’t been myself lately.” She breathed, wiping her tears before they fell. “My work has noticed and they…put me on paid leave for a little while. Until I’m feeling better.”

_And of course you think that’s my fault,_ Isak thought; looking away.

“So, I’ll be home from now on.” She continued, sniffling a little.

Isak knew his mother. He knew this was when she was expecting Isak to apologize, to comfort her. Marianne had been doing it all Isak’s life because she never thought she could ever do something wrong. Everything was always someone else’s fault. As much as Isak knew she loved him and _had_ supported him up until now, he also knew this about his mother. He knew for a fact that she always aimed to make everyone feel sorry for her.

And usually, Isak gave in. He would hug his mother, tell her how hard she worked; what a great mother she was. He would go out of his way to be _her_ support, even though he’s the one who needed a mother.

Marianne gave him _the eyes_ when he looked back at her; those impatient, bright green eyes that never let anyone breathe.

He said nothing.

“I suppose you’ll want me to call your school and tell them you’re sick?” She asked, her voice level now as she stood up. “Is that what you’re expecting from me?”

Isak wanted to laugh. He wanted to give in to the terrible laughter that was sitting in his throat, wanting to be released. He wanted to shout, _I don’t expect anything from you!_ But he didn’t. He _couldn’t._ He didn’t want to give her another reason to feel sorry for herself.

“Yeah. That would be good.” He said instead, pushing himself up off the couch. “I’m going to have a bath.”

**

Isak kept looking at Even’s message over and over again as he sat in the bath, holding his legs against his chest; trying to be as small as possible. He was trying to not feel the parts of his body that he knew were wrong; parts that made him cringe and wish he could tear off his own flesh.

_You always have me,_ Even had said.

_I only have you,_ Isak thought before he could stop himself. He knew he had friends who were trying their best to be there for him. Jonas was still there too, but in a different sort of way.

But Isak couldn’t help but feel that Even was the only one who really _knew_ Isak; the real him. The one who was honest about himself. Isak could tell Even anything and he didn’t fear being judged, not the way he did with other people.

Isak wanted Even to be the one he was going to see tonight. The initial happiness he had felt at getting to see Jonas had vanished after the incident in the locker room. _Any_ sort of happiness was kind of gone, but being with Even…it might have healed a little part of Isak. He just had this feeling that being with Even, who was still kind of a stranger, would mend him.

Maybe in some way, Even understood what Isak was going through. Maybe Even was closer to the issues Isak was dealing with than anyone else.

Even’s body was wrong too.

He heard a knock on the door, his mother calling out that she had made him some tea. He pulled the shower curtain in front of him, shielding himself as she opened the door.

“This should help you from getting sicker.” Marianne said quietly, putting the teacup down on the ledge of the bathtub. “How are you feeling?”

_Awful._

“Fine.”

“Fine?” Marianne scoffed. “You came home on your first day, but you’re _fine_?”

“Yeah. I came home.” Isak repeated.

There was a second of tense silence before Marianne continued, sounding flustered and angry again. It was mind-boggling how quickly his mother’s moods could change.

“If you think you can throw your education away the same way you’re throwing away your _reputation…”_ She started, but she didn’t get to finish.

Isak interrupted her.

Maybe it was Even standing up for Isak in the locker rooms today. Maybe it was how Isak had been ostracized from his family by his own mother, who had then spent the last few weeks trying to make Isak feel like it was his fault. Maybe it was Jonas’s sad face telling Isak they couldn’t be together because he couldn’t _deal with it._ Maybe it was a bit of everything that finally made Isak feel the desperation that had been bubbling under the surface; vibrate beneath his skin and jolting him to his own defense.

“My reputation?” He asked, pulling the curtain back a little so he could actually see his mother. She seemed startled as their eyes met. “You sound like I’m some kind of debutant who is about to be _presented_ to potential suitors for marriage or something. What fucking century do you live in?”

“Isobel, you will not speak to me like…”

“It’s _Isak!_ I am legally known as Isak, Mamma. I changed my name and my gender. I’m your son! Not your daughter, and I won’t fucking apologize for that anymore!”

Marianne’s mouth was open, her eyes wide; expression frozen in surprise.

“You don’t get to tell me how I should live my life. You don’t get to bully me like all the boys did in school today. I should feel safe here – in my _home._ In the place where my _family_ is. But you’re not acting like my family. You’re acting like you care more about what our neighbours think than my own well-being!”

Isak was crying now, unable to stop it; hating how high-pitched his voice got when he was upset. But he _had_ to say it. He couldn’t stop now.

“If you’re upset about what I’m doing, then that’s something _you_ need to deal with. I’m not going to suddenly change my mind and become Isobel again. I’m doing this because it’s what’s right to me. I’m not doing something dangerous. I’m not on drugs. I’m not a criminal. I’m just trying to live my life the way I need to in order to be _happy.”_ Isak tried to breathe; he put his hand on his chest to remind his lungs to inflate.

He imagined Even rubbing his back, small comforting circles with his warm hands.

“You’re happy like this, are you?” Marianne cut in, also crying. She wasn’t wiping her tears away now. She was letting them roll down her cheeks. “You’re so happy that you came home early and then tell me how bullied you were? _How_ is this what’s best for you? How can you say that?”

Isak shook his head, pulling the curtain in front of him again; dividing them.

_You never listen to me._

“Why would…put yourself through that? Why would you choose something that just makes it harder for you to live? You pushed Jonas away. You isolated yourself from your friends. You…gave up everything that matters to you.”

_Everything that matters to_ you.

“I love you so much, Isobel. I’m not _bullying_ you. I just don’t _understand._ This isn’t you!” Marianne cried, blubbering this time; the sounds loud on the porcelain bathroom walls.

It echoed in Isak’s ears and the familiar gnawing sensation in his heart started up. _Comfort. Push away. Make it better. Deny. Apologize._

But Isak pushed against it, tired of apologizing. Tired of putting himself last.

“This _is_ me, Mamma. You just have to look closer.”

Marianne walked out, slamming the door behind her; making a point to cry loudly as she walked down the stairs so Isak could hear her. Isak closed his eyes and tried to tell himself that he hadn’t done anything wrong. He hadn’t said anything bad to her.

This was the right thing. This _had_ to be the right thing. He’d told Even he wasn’t strong enough; that he wouldn’t be going back to Bakka but he knew that wasn’t true.

Because what scared Isak more about doing this – taking these steps, changing his life – was _undoing_ it.

**

“Issy,” Jonas smiled brightly, pulling Isak into a hug that lasted longer than it should have. But it felt nice to be hugged, so Isak wrapped his arms around Jonas and breathed in the familiar scent of him.

“Hi,” He said, pulling away regretfully.

They went down and sat in Jonas’s basement, an all too familiar setting for them. The last time they were down here it was July and Isak had told Jonas he was transferring schools. Their break up was also very fresh and Isak had barely been able to look at Jonas without wanting to cry.

Jonas sat close, biting on his bottom lip like he couldn’t decide what to say. It was making Isak kind of nervous. He imagined Jonas telling him some kind of awful thing, like maybe he didn’t even want to be friends with Isak anymore. Maybe he had a new girlfriend.

Maybe Jonas _loved_ someone else.

And that maybe shouldn’t have bothered Isak as much as it did, because they weren’t together, right? It shouldn’t matter to Isak if Jonas found happiness with someone else. Earlier today Isak had convinced himself that he didn’t want to be with Jonas anymore if Jonas was about to ask him to get back together. Isak had thought they both needed a chance at something new; to _be_ with someone new.

Isak’s head was a mess and the day had been horrible and he just wanted some kind of _peace._ He wanted his muscles to relax so he could stop feeling like a bunched up ball of paper.

“Jonas?”

Jonas looked up, a bit startled; a bit scared. But then he reached for Isak’s hand, cupping it between his own and he moved even closer on the couch until there was no room left between them.

“Sorry, Is. I guess I’m just kind of nervous.” He said, blowing out a shaky breath.

“Just tell me. You said you wanted to talk.” Isak encouraged, just wanting Jonas to say it. Isak needed him to just _speak._

“I thought this would be easier, but now that you’re in front of me…alone…it feels hard.” Jonas whispered, looking right into Isak’s eyes the way he always used to; the way he would when they were having sex, or when Jonas would tell Isak how much he was in love with him.

It made it hard to breathe.

Isak had actually _wished_ for this look earlier today. His brain was so fucking contradicting. One minute he felt like he wanted Jonas back, and then the next he was convinced he didn’t. But Isak couldn’t deny the fact that he’d missed this look; this intimacy, the reminder of their love.

A love that Isak still felt like he destroyed.

“Please, just _tell me.”_

Jonas nodded, closing his eyes. And then he said the very last fucking thing Isak was expecting.

“I’ve started seeing Eva.”

**

Isak was walking and he didn’t quite know where he was going. He didn’t have a particular destination in mind. All he knew was that he was out of Jonas’s basement – _thank god –_ and he was in the very much needed fresh air. The wind was chilly but his face was burning so it didn’t matter.

His phone was going off in his pocket but he didn’t answer it. He knew it was Jonas, and probably Eva now too. He also knew he was a coward but he couldn’t face either of them. He couldn’t face what this meant.

He wasn’t angry at them. Not at all. He couldn’t be angry at two of his favourite people in the world who just happened to have a connection.

He _wasn’t_ angry and yet…

And yet, he felt like pushing his fist through the wall. He wanted to scream. He wanted to break something. He wanted to cry but there weren’t any more tears in his eyes.

_Everything hurts. Everything feels lost._

Isak couldn’t really comprehend why this – _being Isak_ \- was a good idea. He couldn’t justify it to himself right now. All it had done was cause him pain. Being himself had turned his world upside down; sank it straight into hell.

His phone rang again and he reached for it, meaning to turn it off. But as he glanced at the screen, he saw Even’s name instead of Jonas’s or Eva’s.

He answered.

“Isak? Hey, are you there?” Even asked, and Isak realized he had pressed answer but hadn’t said anything.

“I’m here.”

_I think._

“Are you okay? You don’t sound like yourself.”

Isak stopped walking. He stopped moving. He clutched the phone in his hand tighter, afraid he would drop it due to his shaking. He _was_ really cold now.

And he wasn’t okay either. He couldn’t smile right now even if he tried.

“No. I…I’m not okay, Even.” He managed to say.

There was a bit of muffled sound on Even’s side and Isak feared he had lost the call. But then Isak could hear Even talking to someone else, arguing with them before he came back, voice clearer now through the phone.

“Where are you, Isak? I’m coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote in beginning by Sarah Waters (who I ADORE to the ends of the earth, please check out her novels) 
> 
> **I know Isak's emotions are all over the place, but I feel like this would be natural considering his transition and how his life is very different from what he's used to**
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)


	6. Together in the Dark

_“I thought of all the grief and sadness and fucked up suffering in the world, and it made me want to escape. I wished with all my heart we could just leave this world behind. Rise like two angels in the night and magically disappear.”_

“Even, are you fucking _kidding_ right now?” Sonja yelled, sitting up from her bed. Her face was angry and hurt as she placed her hands on her hips.

Even continued to tie his shoelaces and straighten out his hair, sparing her a quick, guilty glance. “Sonja, this is important.”

She was silent but he could practically feel her anger from where he was sitting. He attempted to stand up and push himself into his wheelchair, but his ankles were screaming at him. He’d pushed his body enough already today and he sat back down, sucking in a harsh breath.

“You shouldn’t be going _anywhere_ right now.” Sonja said, reaching her hand out to touch his hair; a familiar gesture she’d done throughout their relationship.

Even shook his head, determined. There was something else more important than his own pain right now, and that was Isak.

“I have to. He needs me.” Even tried, wishing she could understand.

They’d gone out for dinner that night to a restaurant they frequented years ago. Even had forgotten how amazing the hamburgers were at the place, and he ordered what used to be his usual. Sonja ordered her usual as well, smiling and reminiscing about the days where she was so nervous to eat in front of Even; back when everything was fresh and new.

Even had missed her smile. He’d missed this feeling; the easiness of them. He found himself reaching across the table to take her hand, kiss her knuckles. For a moment, everything had been beautiful again.

For most of the evening, he’d been able to focus on _her._

But he’d slowly realized that what he missed about them, was something that they hadn’t been since the beginning. They weren’t these same, nervous teenagers who had never kissed another person before. They weren’t engulfed by the same dreams, the same ideas. They were so beyond different now.

_He_ was beyond different now.

They’d gone back to Sonja’s house to her room that hadn’t changed since she was fourteen, and they’d kissed on her bed. Even had his arm around her small frame, her head on his chest; trying to find each other again. He’d tried to _believe_ that they were okay. That nothing had really changed.

As Sonja climbed on top of him though, her intent pretty clear, Even crumpled. She felt…wrong in his arms. She was still beautiful and Even was still attracted to her physically, but there was something missing; something he used to feel all the time that he couldn’t reach anymore.

It was just… _gone_.

Suddenly, Even felt the entirety of what had been building for weeks now. The reality of it slammed into him, making him freeze.

They weren’t supposed to be together.

“Even, what’s wrong?” She had asked, breathless; their mouths close, her hips still softly rocking. “Baby, what is it?”

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but I’ve fallen out of love with you._

Those very words were right on his tongue, but then his phone had gone off. He’d reached for it, answering even though Sonja was shouting at him. And he promised to meet Isak at KB, only a short distance from here. He hung up and looked into her eyes, finding them glossy with tears.

She stood beside him now as he managed to get into his wheelchair, rolling over to her closed door and reaching for the door knob. The room was too warm. He needed _air._ He needed to go.

“Even…” Sonja whispered. The sound of it made him turn back because she had never sounded like that before.

It was so much more than sadness.

“ _I_ need you too.”

Tears were rolling down her face and she cried soundlessly, her eyes to the floor. Her cheeks were flushed, her mouth open. She wasn’t trying to keep him here out of guilt. She wasn’t _pretending_ to cry. She was just _sad_ beyond belief and the rawness of it made Even shudder.

_What have I done?_

“Sonja, _hey.”_ He said, rolling over to her. He grasped her hands, encouraging her to sit on his lap so he could hug her properly.

She went easily, folding into him and then around him, crying into his neck. They held each other tight, rocking a little and Even closed his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Sonja.” He said, putting his open palm on her cheek; finding her eyes. He wiped some of the tears off her face. “But…you feel it too, don’t you? I know you’re not happy anymore with me.”

She was silent for a long minute and at first Even thought she was going to deny it; tell him that she was happy, that they were okay. But then she shook her head and started to cry again.

“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” She hiccupped, sounding younger.

“I _do_ love you. I’m just…” He took a deep breath, knowing he needed to say the words. “I’m not _in_ love with you anymore. I’m sorry.”

There it was. The truth. It sat between them now, wedging them apart and soon Sonja stood up, walking back over to her bed.

“Sonja…”

_I need to leave._

“I heard you the first time, Even.” She interrupted, her voice level; a blankness to her expression. “You’re not in love with me.”

“Are you still in love with _me?”_ He asked, needing to know.

“I thought I was. It’s always been you and me. I don’t know how to picture a world where you’re not a part of my life. The biggest part.” She said slowly, not meeting his eyes. She looked everywhere in her room except directly at him.

“I don’t have to _leave_ your world, Sonja. I can’t picture you not being in my life either.” Even offered. Maybe it would take time until they could be friends – just friends – but he was willing to try.

“You want to throw away everything we have? Just like that?” She asked.

“I don’t think of it as throwing us away. I’m just saying that I don’t think there is anything left to fix.”

Even didn’t know what else to say. They fell silent, and he wondered fleetingly how other people broke up; how it _worked._ Did people yell and scream, cry or have sex for the last time; the full awareness of it not quite within reach in that moment? Even had never broken up with anyone before. He didn’t know if something else was supposed to happen. He imagined what they both needed now was time apart.

“I need you to go now.” Sonja whispered at last. “I can’t look at you anymore. I’m sorry.”

It hurt. This whole thing hurt. Even knew this was a big decision. Life would definitely be different now. But he didn’t regret it. He was aware of what it meant, and he _still_ didn’t regret it.

“Okay. I’ll see you around, Sonja.”

He opened the door and wheeled himself out, closing it gently behind him. He heard Sonja’s stifled sobs immediately and his heart clenched, making him pause again. He listened for only a few more seconds, feeling her pain; the pain of something ending.

He left her house with tears in his eyes, but he pushed on.

**

Isak was sitting at a table outside of KB when Even finally got there; his hands clasped tightly around a mug of steaming coffee. Isak’s face was blank up until the moment he saw Even. He smiled, just barely, and stood up.

“Hey.” Even greeted, signalling for Isak to come over so they could hug. Isak bent down and returned the hug, breathing deeply. His cheek was cold against Even’s.

“Thanks for coming.” Isak whispered, his whole body tense. Even could feel Isak’s sadness under his hands and he wanted to make it better, but he knew he couldn’t. “Did you want a drink? I’ll pay. I know this isn’t what you wanted to be doing with your night, I…”

“ _Isak.”_ Even interrupted, wheeling over so they could sit at the table again. “I don’t mind. Honestly.”

Isak sat down again, nodding as he turned his body towards Even. He reached across the table and took Even’s hands, squeezing them like he was trying to ground himself. Even squeezed back.

“Today has been…the worst fucking day of my life, I think.” Isak said, looking like he was surprised to admit that to Even and to himself. “Besides getting to meet you. That was awesome.”

Even grinned and Isak returned it. Isak had such a beautiful smile. Even told himself he would make it his mission to see Isak smile more.

“I’m glad we met too. But I’m sorry this day has sucked, Isak. I’m so fucking angry about what those assholes did in gym. I’m going to talk to Mr. Lunde about it tomorrow. I made an appointment to see him.”

“Fuck, you don’t have to do that, Even.”

“Yes, I do. Mr. Lunde is a good guy. He’ll make sure something like that won’t happen again.” Even assured. “But you…you _have_ to come back, Isak. Don’t let anyone ruin this for you.”

Isak stared at Even for a long second before his face fell, a violent rush of tears pouring down his face; like he couldn’t possibly hold them in – maybe like he’d been trying to, but now he couldn’t.

“Oh, Isak. I’m so sorry.” Even said, clutching onto him tighter; trying to give any kind of comfort to this beautiful boy who deserved the world. Isak deserved _everything._

“It’s already been ruined.” Isak hiccupped, his words slurred by his crying. “I can’t…I _can’t,_ Even. Nothing is the same anymore. Everything just…just feels _broken.”_

Even let go of Isak’s hands and stood up, ankles instantly throbbing but he needed to be closer to Isak right this second. His wheelchair was preventing this so he stood up, holding onto the table as he walked the few steps to the other chair that was closer to Isak. He sat down, Isak reaching for him immediately, and he pulled the shorter boy against his chest; rocking him.

Isak’s tears were soaking Even’s shirt but he didn’t care. He held onto his new friend as tight as he could, wishing he could take some of Isak’s pain into his own body; wishing Isak didn’t have to suffer like this.

“Nothing is broken, Isak. I promise.” Even whispered, placing a quick kiss on Isak’s forehead because he couldn’t help himself. “ _You’re_ not broken.”

“ _I_ ruined it, Even. I ruined my relationship with Jonas. He’s dating my best friend now. And my mom…she won’t look at me without wishing I was her daughter again. She’s not working because she can’t _deal with it._ Jonas couldn’t deal with it. People at school – _any school –_ just think I’m a freak!”

Isak was breathing too fast. His skin was burning.

“Shh, Isak. You have to take deep breaths.” Even cooed, rubbing Isak’s arms.

“Nobody wants me. I don’t…exist in any kind of space anymore…” Isak coughed, the harshness of his sobs scorching his throat; drying him up on the inside.

_You’re so wrong._

_You’re beautiful._

_You’re so,_ so _wanted._

“ _I_ want you, Isak.” Even heard himself say, and he’d never meant anything more. “I want you and you _do_ exist in any space. You’re right here, right here with me and you deserve to exist here. You’re _here.”_

Even kept saying it, the words ‘you’re here’ until he felt Isak slowly calm down. He whispered it again and again until Isak wasn’t crying anymore, until he pulled away from Even’s chest and looked at him with bleary, red-rimmed eyes.

“ _Thank you.”_

**

It was approaching 21:00 and Even knew they should both be going home. But he didn’t want to leave Isak yet. He didn’t want to stop being with him.

So they went for a walk.

They walked around some quieter streets of Oslo, a calmness to the air seeming to relax them both. They didn’t really speak. It was a comfortable silence. Even imagined they were both taking in the day – how long it had seemed; how so much had happened to both of them in the span of twelve hours.

They stopped eventually, pausing near a park; a long stretch of open greenery ahead of them. Even could sense that they needed to head back. They couldn’t stay out all night. Isak turned to look down at Even, the light from the street light illuminating him. Even smiled, trying not to say something cheesy like ‘you look like an angel.’

“I wish we could stay out here forever.” Isak stated, biting his bottom lip. “Just you and me.”

_Now who’s the cheesy one,_ Even thought fondly.

“I know.”

Isak turned his head, gazing out at some of the flowers beside them; looking reluctant. “I don’t want to go home.”

Even nodded. “I know.”

“What time is it?” Isak asked. “My phone is dead.”

“Oh.” Even took out his phone and turned the screen on. “21:21.”

“Hmm.” Isak looked thoughtful.

“What? Penny for your thoughts?”

“Do you think there’s an Isak and an Even standing in this exact spot, at 21:21, in another universe? But maybe we’re not sad. Maybe everything is…just as it should be?”

Isak wiped at his eyes and Even knew he was crying again. He hadn’t expected Isak to ask such complicated questions, but he thought hard about it. Maybe there was another universe where Even wasn’t disabled. Maybe another where Isak had been born in the right body. Or maybe there was a universe where people didn’t laugh at other people, bully them in locker rooms. Maybe there was a universe where Even and Sonja had never grown a part.

But then…

“Maybe.” Even said finally. “Maybe there is. But that would also mean there is a universe out there where you never messaged me online and we never met. And that universe would be far from perfect.”

Isak burst out laughing, his cheeks turning red. Even could tell he was blushing even in the darkness of the night and it made him smile back.

“How do you always know what to say?” Isak said, sounding baffled.

Even shrugged. “I just wanted to make you smile.”

“You always make me smile.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

**

“Text me any time, okay? I don’t care if it’s five in the morning.” Even said, just as the tram that would take Isak home pulled up.

“Okay. Thanks, Even. I mean it.” Isak nodded, waving as he stepped onto the tram. Even watched until he was out of sight and then headed back to his own home.

His father was sitting in the living room when Even got in. He stood up to help Even get inside, folding his wheelchair and putting it beside the couch. Even sat down, wincing a little but thanked his dad for the help.

“I thought you were staying at Sonja’s?” Claude asked, and it was then that Even noticed he was still in his work clothes. He must have had another long shift.

“Yeah, I was. But we broke up.” Even said, reaching over to the bowl of popcorn his father had made.

Claude’s eyes widened. “Oh. I, uh. Sorry about that.” He stammered, clearly uncomfortable; clearly unsure of what to say. “Are you okay?”

“I think so. We weren’t working anymore, so we decided to end it.”

“Okay. That’s very…mature of you.” Claude chuckled, also grabbing some popcorn.

“I guess. When did you get home?” Even asked, noticing the bags under his father’s eyes.

“Twenty minutes ago.”

“Shit. You had to work another double?”

Claude nodded but then smiled like he always did, playing it off like it was nothing. But Even knew it wasn’t nothing. He knew how long the days were for his father, working at a place he hated. But they needed money for rent, and Even couldn’t work. He couldn’t stand for hours at a time, even for a part-time after school job. He hated that he couldn’t help.

“I know what you’re thinking and you need to stop, Even.” Claude said, his voice soft.

“I _wish_ I could help, Pappa. It feels awful to not be able to contribute. Rent has been overdue for like a week now, and…”

“I’m taking care of it. I just want you to focus on school.” Claude interrupted, downing the rest of his soda.

“I do focus on school.” Even mumbled.

“Good. Then you _are_ doing your job, Evy. You don’t sound like yourself tonight. Where’s my happy-go-lucky youngest, hm? Are you hiding him somewhere?” Claude teased, reaching over and ruffling up Even’s hair.

Even wasn’t in the mood to play around, not when it came to this.

“Yeah. I’m hiding him under all my inflamed joints. He’s currently stuck in my ankles, lighting a match to them.” Even snapped, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Even…”

“It’s fine, Pappa. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“I know you can handle it, Ev. You’re the strongest person I know. But…you’ve been so sad since June. Does what happened…your diagnosis…really change everything for you?” Claude asked, his forehead crinkled in worry.

June. Even laughed a little bitterly.

June had changed _everything._

“I didn’t want it to affect everything. But I think it does, and I can’t seem to…feel better about it.”

“And now you broke up with Sonja. Shit.” Claude ran a hand through his hair. “You aren’t having the best year.”

Even was going to agree. He was going to continue to be lost in his misery, but then Isak’s face popped into his mind.

Isak’s smile.

“It hasn’t been all bad.”

**

Isak: I’m home now. You told me to tell you when I got back, so I’m back. _Mom._

Even: I’m perfectly fine being your Mom friend :P

Isak: Thanks for caring so much. Seriously

Even: You’re easy to care about

Isak: <3

Even: Tomorrow will be better, Isak. <3

Isak: I hope so

Even: Goodnight <3

Isak: Goodnight Even

**

Before Even went to his own room after brushing his teeth, he crept into the guest room down the hall. He let his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room before walking further inside, sitting down on the edge of his mother’s bed.

Her back was turned to him and she was breathing heavily, indicating that she was asleep. Even reached a hand out, stroking her arm.

“Goodnight, Mom.” Even whispered.

He could see that his mother’s hair was a mess. She smelled of sweat. Even made a mental note to help wash her hair tomorrow after school. Hopefully his wrists and hands would be in better shape.

Hopefully his mother would be sober enough to have a decent conversation with him. Maybe he would be able to tell her about Isak. Even knew that his mother would love Isak.

“I love you.” He said, standing up.

It was the sixth week in a row that he didn’t receive an answer, an ‘ _I love you too’_ that his mother would normally be quick to give.

He tried to not feel the ache in his chest, the lump in his throat that was slowly, _slowly_ cutting off his air supply.

_Tomorrow will be better._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay..soooo I know this may not be a thing that people have given much thought to but I kind of feel sorry for Sonja as a character. Even did cheat on her in season 3, and they had been together for 4 years which is not nothing for a high school relationship. I was also in a relationship for years when I was around that age, and having it end changed my life. It was a painful thing to go through, especially when I was so young and I wanted to have Even and Sonja have a proper break-up (because I imagine they kind of didn't in the show, or it was at least hella brushed off as nothing because there needed to be room for Isak/Even). So. That was a thing that I wrote lol 
> 
> And I know, I know! Even is disabled and also has family issues?? Welp. Yeah, he does. And that's going to be explored more in coming chapters. A large part of this story has to do with young people having a lot on their shoulders, so that's why I'm laying a lot on both Isak and Even. 
> 
> Quote in the beginning from the movie 'Mysterious Skin' 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	7. Look Closer

_“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”_

“Isak.”

His father’s voice startled Isak so violently that he nearly ended up on his ass in the middle of the hallway. He turned and looked at Terje who was sitting at the kitchen table, a plate of eggs in front of him; uneaten.

“Pappa. You scared me.”

“Sorry.” Terje smiled, and Isak suddenly clued into the fact that his father had just referred to him as _Isak._ Not Isobel.

Isak returned the smile.

“Thanks for…calling me Isak.” He muttered, beyond happy that at least his father and sister were cool about everything.

Terje suddenly stood up and walked over to Isak, pulling him into a giant hug. Isak hugged back, not about to deny that he’d always loved his father’s hugs. They were filled with so much comfort; like he was saying without words how much he loved Isak.

“I’m sorry about your mother.” Terje said, his voice sad. “I know it hasn’t been easy for you. It isn’t easy for her, either. But she shouldn’t speak to you the way she does.”

Isak didn’t reply, but he nodded; agreeing.

“I’m trying to talk to her about it, but you know how she is.”

Again, Isak nodded because _oh boy_ did he ever know. “Thanks, Pappa.”

“How was school yesterday, hm?” Terje asked, releasing Isak and motioning for him to sit. “I never got a chance to ask you.”

To Isak’s ultimate surprise his father brought over some more eggs and bacon. It was always Marianne who made breakfast.

Before he could answer, Lea came come the downstairs with a giant smile on her face and walked over to the toaster. She shoved a piece of the already made toast into her mouth and poured herself some orange juice, coming to sit down at the table with Isak and Terje.

It was almost a normal morning again and Isak nearly cried with relief.

“School was…okay.” Isak finally managed to say, not really wanting to remember the events of yesterday.

“Mamma said you came home early.” Lea pointed out, looking at Isak with a worried expression.

“Yeah. Just an issue with…gym class.” Isak admitted, feeling his face redden as he took a bite of the eggs.

Terje frowned, finally taking a bite of his own breakfast. “Gym class?”

“Oh shit.” Lea suddenly said.

“Language.” Terje snapped, not really looking angry.

“Did some guys give you shit for using the boy’s change room or something? What jerks!” Lea shouted, pouting and reaching a hand out to Isak. “Do I need to beat someone up?”

“Young lady, that’s quite enough.” Terje said, but then he started giggling. Isak started laughing too and soon Lea joined in.

“But seriously, Isak. Do I need to beat someone’s face in?” Lea asked again.

“No, Lea. _Geeze.”_ Isak shook his head. “But yeah, there were some people who thought I was in the wrong change room. But…I had a friend come and help me. It was just disappointing, I guess. Nobody really saw me as…Isak.”

It felt natural to talk about these things with his sister and his father. He didn’t feel like they were judging him or secretly wishing he would become their sister and daughter again. They just looked at him with interested, loving expressions and Isak felt a lot warmer inside than he had yesterday.

“Do you have support at school, Isak? Maybe you could talk with the principal or someone?” Terje suggested. “I don’t want you to have to always watch your back. Boys your age are just waiting to pounce on someone. Jerks.”

_That’s where Lea gets it from,_ Isak thought fondly.

“Hey, we’re not _all_ jerks.” Isak teased, raising an eyebrow.

Terje flashed another smile. “No. You’re not one of _those_ boys.”

“I did talk to my principal though. I’m okay. Just wasn’t the best start yesterday.”

“Don’t expect me to let you come home again today, though.” Marianne said, butting into their conversation with a glare on her face. She walked past her family who sat at the table and went to pour herself a cup of coffee.

Terje shot her an angry look before turning back to Isak with kind eyes. “Good morning, Marianne. Why don’t you join us for breakfast?”

Marianne hesitated but then walked over with her cup of coffee and sat next to Lea, holding herself stiffly in the chair. She was dressed as she normally would be; hair done, perfume lightly noticeable. But she wouldn’t meet anyone’s eyes.

“So you made a friend already at Bakka?” Lea asked, continuing on as if nothing had happened; pointedly ignoring their mother.

“Oh.” Isak blushed. “Yeah. His name is Even.”

“A boyfriend, hm?” Lea wagged her eyebrows suggestively, making Isak chuckle.

“He’s a boy who is my friend. Yes.”

“Yeah, but…do you _like_ him? In a way where you want to put your lips on his face?”

“ _Lea.”_ Marianne snapped, shaking her head in disapproval.

“I’m making conversation, Mamma. Better than you’re doing.” Lea huffed, still not looking at Marianne. Isak paled a little as he saw his mother’s face shift.

“Excuse me?” Marianne began.

“No.” Isak interjected. “No, I don’t like Even that way. Mamma, there’s more eggs if you want some. Dad made them.”

“Lea, you need to watch your tone with me.” Marianne said, ignoring her son.

“I don’t have a _tone._ You’re the one with a _tone._ A tone of disapproval about everything to do with _Isak._ You know. Your _son.”_ Lea emphasized particular words, clicking her tongue at the end of it and finally meeting her mother’s eyes.

“That’s it. You’re grounded. Three weeks. No sleepovers. No movie nights. _Nothing.”_

“Lea. Isak. Off to school.” Terje said, standing up and clearing his throat. “Have a good day today.”

“Terje, you don’t get to…”

“ _Marianne.”_

“Come on.” Lea said, pulling Isak’s hand until they were out the door. As they walked they could hear their parents arguing, walls apparently not thick enough to contain their shouts. Lea just rolled her eyes, flipping her hair.

Isak walked next to her, Even’s voice in his head saying again and again that _tomorrow would be better._

**

Eva: Issy?

Fuck. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know Jonas was going to tell you.

It’s so new and I didn’t expect it.

He was just…you know. He’s Jonas. We got to talking one night and stuff just happened.

I’m really fucking sorry, Issy.

But NOTHING happened when you were still with him. I fucking PROMISE.

 

Isak really couldn’t handle anymore messages. Between Eva and Jonas, Isak’s phone was constantly vibrating and it was draining his phone battery. He put them both into a Facebook chat and thought long and hard before sending his message.

 

**To the Happy Couple**

Isak: I need you to both stop texting me and messaging me

I need time. I don’t know how I feel, but you both constantly texting me isn’t helping anything.

You don’t need my approval to see each other. Do whatever you want.

Just let me have some time. Please.

 

Isak waited, staring down at his phone because he knew their replies would be instant.

 

Jonas. Okay, Is. Sorry for everything, though. I want us to still be friends.

Eva: I also want us to be friends. I can’t lose you Isobel

Eva: FUCK

Eva: Isak. God, I suck

Jonas: Stop now, Eva. Leave him be

Eva: Okay. I love you Is. <3 <3

 

“Hey.”

Isak looked up from his phone and into the eyes of Even, who wasn’t in his wheelchair today. He was standing, holding a cane in his right hand and smiling at Isak with his whole face.

“Hey.” Isak breathed out, and it felt like relief.

“How are you?”

“Fine.” Isak said, putting his phone back in his pocket. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Even smiled, leaning against the lockers.

“I like seeing you stand. You’re really fucking tall.” Isak commented, chuckling a little bit.

“You’re pretty tall too.” Even said, linking their arms together and walking towards their class. They had their math class together on Mondays and Tuesdays, making Isak happy to once again start the day seeing a familiar face.

But then he remembered that Sonja would also still be in this class.

“Are you going to be okay?” Isak blurted out, making Even turn to him and frown. “I mean, seeing Sonja. She’s in this class too.”

“Oh.” He sighed. “I mean, I guess. I can’t do much about it.”

There were almost at their class door when someone called, “Isak?”

Even and Isak stopped walking and turned around to look at whoever had spoken. Isak was a bit startled to see one of the boys who had been in the locker room yesterday; the one who had stood above Isak and laughed at him, calling him ‘baby girl.’ The boy was tall, had a mop of brown hair on his head and his eyes were wide.

“What do you want Rhys?” Even snapped, tightening his grip on Isak’s arm.

The boy – _Rhys_ apparently – held his hands up and he shook his head. “I’m not here to start anything. I swear, Even.”

“Then what is it?”

Isak’s heart began thundering in his ribs. He didn’t want anything else to happen. He’d managed to come back, give Bakka another chance after the awfulness of the previous day. He had Even. He’d had breakfast with his sister and father this morning. Things were finally at least _okay._

Isak held his breath.

“I wanted to say sorry…for yesterday.” Rhys gulped, looking around at other people walking in the halls; like he couldn’t quite meet Isak’s eye. “What I did was wrong, and I’m really sorry, man.”

Holy shit. Isak hadn’t been expecting that. He stared dumbly at Rhys, blinking a bit quicker than usual; searching for words. He couldn’t exactly say ‘oh it’s fine, don’t worry about it.’ But he also wanted to express that he was glad Rhys seemed to recognize that he’d fucked up.

“I…”

“It won’t happen again, okay? I talked to my friends. We made a mistake.” Rhys interrupted, shooting a glance at Even.

“Okay.” Isak managed to get out, just as the bell rang. Rhys nodded and then held out his hand to Isak, waiting with hopeful eyes.

Isak shook it, something he’d never done with a guy before - as __a guy himself - and then watched as Rhys ran down the hall to his own class. Isak gave a stunned look to Even who just smiled and they took their seats inside.

Isak didn’t like having to sit at the front as Even was in the back, studiously avoiding his now ex-girlfriend, but he imagined they would pair up for group work again.

“Hey, Isak.” The teacher said, winking down at him just before he started teaching. Isak felt his eyes go wide yet again. Apparently today was the day for people to make up for their mistakes; the way they had misgendered Isak.

Isak was absolutely fine with it.

**

Isak found himself sitting across from Mr. Lunde yet again right as he was supposed to be meeting Even in the cafeteria. His stomach growled and Mr. Lunde laughed, promising again that he wouldn’t be keeping Isak long.

“Even came and talked to me early this morning, Isak. He named some students who were harassing you in the change rooms yesterday.” Mr. Lunde explained, his face serious now.

Isak coloured. “Oh. I…”

“What they did was inexcusable. I talked to several of the students. I explained that you were a new student – a new, _male_ student – and they should treat you as such.”

Isak nodded, letting out a breath. “But did you mention that I’m…that I was born female?”

The importance of that couldn’t be brushed aside. There was a huge difference between telling someone that Isak was male, or that Isak was a trans-male. Isak preferred the first.

“No, of course not. That isn’t my place.” Mr. Lunde said, shaking his head. “It’s my job to make sure you’re safe in this school, as with every student. What happened yesterday was not safe. I’m glad you have Even. He understands what it’s like to feel…different from his peers, even though both you and Even are very much the same as others.”

_God, I love you._ Isak wanted to give this man a hug.

“ _Thank you.”_ Isak whispered, unable to truly express his gratitude.

“No problem, Isak. Like I said, I’m here if you need _anything.”_

**

“This is Mikael.” Even said, motioning to the boy on the right side of him at their table. “And this is Elias.” He pointed to the boy on his left.

“I know.” Isak blushed, recognizing Sana’s brother instantly. Elias had known Isak as Isobel for the entirety of his friendship with Sana – quite a while, so Isak wasn’t sure how Elias would react to him.

“Nice to meet you, Isak.” Mikael said, standing up and giving Isak a high-five across the table. Isak laughed, returning it.

“Good to see you again, _Isak.”_ Elias said, coming over and surprising Isak by giving him a huge hug. “I’m really proud of you. Sana told me. You’re brave, man.” He whispered to Isak privately, before sitting back down.

“So, how’s your day going?” Even asked, chewing on his apply; his face bright like the sun.

**

**October**

Isak sat wedged between Chris and Sana, their arms around him. He was pleasantly full of cake and tea and he was nice and warm as he listened to his friends banter about Halloween and boys. Vilde was on the floor with Eva and Noora, discussing how awful William was and how crowded and dirty London had been; how she was grateful to be back on Oslo.

Isak had a feeling that it wasn’t London as a city that had repulsed Noora, but he kept his mouth shut.

It was the first weekend in a long time that he’d spent with his friends, and it was honestly really nice to be with them again. He hadn’t really spoken much to Eva about Jonas, and apparently nobody else knew. They were keeping it quiet. Isak checked Eva and Jonas’s Facebook and Instagram more often than was probably appropriate waiting to see pictures of them together as a couple. But it hadn’t happened.

He was trying to let it go. He was trying not to be angry with Eva. If anything, he supposed he was jealous. He was jealous that Eva was what Jonas wanted – a proper girl. Isak wasn’t a girl. He wasn’t going to be anyone’s girlfriend ever again.

And of course there was the fact that out of all the boys and girls in their age range in all of Oslo, Eva and Jonas had somehow started dating each other. But Isak was trying to let it go. He was trying to not care because it had been over a month since he found out about it.

“We need to find you someone new.” Vilde said to Noora, nodding.

“Let’s sign you up on Tinder!” Chris suggested, winking at Isak. Sana rolled her eyes and made a sound of disapproval.

“I don’t want a random hookup, thanks.” Noora sighed. “That’s all Tinder is good for.”

“Not true!” Vilde huffed. “That’s how lots of people meet these days.”

“Yeah, for one-night stands. That’s not my style.” Noora snapped, sounding more annoyed than everyone had expected.

“Okay. _Fine._ No tinder.” Chris said. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“Jonas started hanging out with some new people this year.” Eva said, licking her lips as she studiously avoided Isak’s eyes. “Maybe one of those boys would be your cup of tea?”

Noora frowned and shook her head.

“There’s one named Magnus and he’s a complete idiot.” Vilde stated, shoving some chips into her mouth. “He asked me if I wanted to fuck him.”

“I didn’t mean Magnus.” Eva giggled. “Maybe his other friend Mahdi. He’s handsome.”

“Or why doesn’t she just date Jonas himself?” Isak cut in, adrenaline rushing through his blood now. He felt an overwhelming surge of anger wash over him as Eva finally turned her eyes to him, looking guilty as hell.

“Isak, that’s not what I said.” Eva whispered.

“Yeah. Nobody would go after Jonas, Isak. We’re not bitches.” Vilde said, her big doe eyes innocent and kind as she looked around at everyone. She reached a hand up to touch Isak’s knee. “Please don’t think that of us.”

Isak wanted to laugh. He wanted to blurt out that he hadn’t ever thought of his friends as being the kind of people who _would_ do something like that until it had actually happened. But he didn’t say anything.

“Does anyone want pizza?” Chris asked, not entirely aware of the tension that was cutting through the air.

“Are you kidding me? We just had cake!” Sana said, incredulous.

“I should be getting home, anyways. Tonight is Linn’s last night at the apartment and we’re having a bit of a party.” Noora said, standing up and stretching.

“Wait.” Eva said, her voice breaking a little as everyone turned to look at her. “I…I have something to say.”

_Fuck,_ Isak thought. _Is she going to…?_

“What is it?” Vilde asked, frowning at how upset Eva looked. She walked over and put an arm around Eva’s shoulders, squeezing her.

Eva continued to look at Isak and Isak didn’t look away. Maybe this was a good thing – telling all their friends. Maybe if it wasn’t a secret anymore it would stop feeling like such an awful thing; a barrier in their friendship.

“I’m dating Jonas.” Eva nearly spat, pushing the words out like they were hard to say.

Almost instantly, all of Isak’s friends turned and looked at him; trying to see his reaction, his thoughts. He kept his eyes on Eva though, letting her make the next move.

“It just _happened._ It was after Isak and Jonas broke up. I never meant to hurt anyone by doing it, especially you, Isak. But I think that sometimes, we can’t help who we fall in love with.” Eva said, her voice soft as she began to cry.

“Well, fuck.” Sana blurted out, the first one to break the silence after what felt like years.

“Indeed.” Isak nodded, slumping back further into the couch and closing his eyes.

“Holy shit.” Chris muttered, just as Noora clicked her tongue; eyebrows raised.

Vilde slowly backed away from Eva, looking at her hesitantly like she was a bomb that might go off. Vilde then turned and made her way to Isak, wrapping him in a huge hug as she sat next to him.

“Are you okay?” She whispered.

Isak couldn’t really do much but nod.

“Don’t hate on Eva, guys. Okay? We’re dealing with it.” Isak said, scanning the room.

“We’re not dealing with anything, Isak because you won’t speak to me!” Eva suddenly yelled, her sobs intensifying. “I know you said you needed time, but how much time? Do you have _anything_ you want to say to me about it?”

“Eva, this isn’t really the time.” Noora chastised, frowning.

“There isn’t ever going to be a good time!” Eva said. “But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit around with everyone and pretend that we’re still friends, Isak, if we’re _not._ So, I need you to…”

“Eva.” Isak interrupted. “What I needed was to have my friend find someone else to date. What I needed was to not have to imagine the boy I was still in love with _loving_ someone else; someone who didn’t tell him that they were actually a boy. Someone who is actually a girl – which is what Jonas wants.”

Isak didn’t realize he had so much to say about this, but apparently he did.

“I needed the girl that I have been best friends with for _years,_ to be there for me. I needed someone I could trust, and you… _broke_ that. I can’t look at you the same anymore. I can’t look at you without thinking of Jonas and how he’s probably looking at you now the way he used to look at _me.”_

Eva cried harder now, wrapping her arms around herself.

“So, _yes._ I said I needed time. And I still need time. Because I think time is the only thing that’s going to heal us, if we can be healed at all. So just back off.”

Isak stood up, grabbing his coat.

“Isak, wait. You don’t have to go.” Chris said.

“I think I should.” Isak shrugged. “I’ll see you guys later.” And then he walked out, not looking back.

**

Even: I kind of can’t believe Eva actually told everyone.

Isak: Me either

I didn’t know I was still so angry about it. But she was making it all about _her_

And her feelings. I couldn’t listen to it

I don’t think I’m mad at her, but I can’t pretend it doesn’t still hurt

Even: That’s fair. You don’t have to lie about it

 

Isak was lying in his room, typing another reply to Even when he saw that he was added into a chat with all his friends except Eva.

**WTF**

Chris: Okay, so Isak are you actually okay??

Sana: Chris, this doesn’t involve us. It’s between Eva and Isak

Noora: I second that

Vilde: I wouldn’t mind knowing your feelings though, Isak. We’re all here for you

Isak: Thanks for your concern, guys. I just think me and Eva need to not speak/see each other for a while. Sorry if this puts you in a bad position. I don’t want you taking sides or treating Eva differently because of me and her.

Sana: It’s chill, Isak. Don’t stress

Noora: It’s fine <3

 

“Can I come in?”

Isak jumped up from his bed at the sound of his mother’s voice and her tap on his door. He turned his phone off and straightened out his shirt, calling out that she could come in.

Marianne smiled weakly at him as she closed the door behind her, making her way in so she could sit next to Isak.

“What’s up?” Isak tried, uncomfortable with the way Marianne was just staring at him.

“I…I wanted to tell you that I’m starting work again on Monday.”

Isak was surprised by that. “Oh. That’s good.”

Marianne nodded. “I think so too. I’m feeling more prepared now.”

_Good for you,_ Isak thought to himself. His mother hadn’t brought up Isak’s transition in a few weeks. There was still tension between them, and things were generally uncomfortable in their house, but things had at least calmed down. Marianne hadn’t referred to Isak as ‘Isobel’ in a long time, nor did she use any sort of pronouns. Everything had come to a neutral stand-still, but Isak had noticed his mother smiling at him a bit more lately; when he laughed as he watched TV, or when he was speaking to Terje about something funny Even had done the day before.

He didn’t know what it all meant, but he knew that he liked it.

“I spoke to the new priest at church.” Marianne cleared her throat, reaching out and putting her hand on Isak’s.

Shit. Marianne went to church every Sunday without missing, even though nobody went with her. It was clear from an early age for both Lea and Isak that church wasn’t something they wanted to do, and neither Terje nor Marianne pressured them to continue to go. Terje stopped going years ago too but always listened when Marianne said something about the priest or the Sunday school she taught. It had never been an issue, but Isak was suddenly nervous at his mother’s tone.

“His name is Frederick and he’s…” Marianne hesitated, squeezing. “He’s a transgender man, too.”

Isak nearly choked.

_What?_

“I didn’t notice when we met. In fact, I’m still quite floored about it every time I see him because he’s…so masculine. I never would have thought he…” Marianne shook her head, clearly at a loss for words. “Anyways. I’ve been speaking to him quite regularly because he was very open about himself from his first sermon. It made me interested because of…of what you’ve been going through as well.”

Isak was no longer nervous, but kind of in awe. He was… _excited._

“Mamma, do you…” Isak couldn’t really speak. There were too many thoughts in his head.

“I wanted to tell you, _Isak…”_ Marianne took in a breath, looking proud that she had said Isak’s proper name. “That I am so, _so,_ sorry for what I did. For how I reacted.”

Isak burst into tears because he couldn’t fucking help it. He was too overwhelmed, too scared that he was dreaming.

“You needed me, and I wasn’t here for you. Frederick told me about when he told his parents and how…how _horrible_ they were. At first, I was so shocked. I couldn’t believe someone would treat their child that way. But it took me a few days to realize that…that’s exactly what I did to you.” Marianne cried, wiping at the tears on her face. “I’m so mad at myself.”

“No.” Isak shook his head. “You were scared for me. You were…”

“Don’t make excuses for me, Isak.” Marianne interrupted, still sobbing. “I…I wasn’t here for you. I treated you like…like you didn’t matter to me, but you and your sister mean _everything_ to me. I love you so much, and maybe I don’t understand it. Maybe it’s still strange for me, but you…you’re my baby, and nothing will ever change that.”

Isak went willingly into the hug his mother offered and she rocked him back and forth, shushing him like he was a small child. They hugged for so long and so hard that by the time Lea stuck her head in asking what was going on, Isak was practically asleep.

“Group hug!” Lea yelled, right before she put her arms around both of them and knocked them down onto the bed; all three of them hooting with laughter. It quickly turned into a tickle-fest, something they hadn’t done in _years,_ and Isak had never felt so happy.

He didn’t stop smiling for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it might seem that Marianne's acceptance is rather sped-up or perhaps unrealistic, but I do know a fair amount of people who had religious parents who were against their child's sexuality/gender etc. but did come around after speaking to someone in their church. Sometimes that's all it takes for someone to be a tad more accepting, so that's what I wanted to show here :) and I didn't want Isak to suffer anymore. Obviously the thing with Eva and Jonas is still causing him pain, but I think his frustration around that is valid. :P
> 
> Quote in beginning from e.e. cummings. 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated! :)


	8. How I Feel

_“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”_

**January**

Even always hated the time right after New Year’s. It was the most depressing few weeks. Everyone around him was usually full of optimism, especially when they were trying to keep up with their New Year’s resolutions. But even though people were smiling and talking excitedly about everything they wanted to achieve, there was an undercurrent of sadness that was bone deep.

Everyone was more tired. Everyone was more lethargic and bored with life; listless.

Even was tired and a lot sorer, his joints somehow sensing the cold air and biting him; clamping down so hard that he couldn’t _not_ feel the throb of it.

It was also the time of year for his mother’s birthday. January 7th. A day that wasn’t a celebration but an endless drinking run, his mother usually out cold by five in the afternoon after yelling at someone for a solid few hours if the day was on a weekend.

It was the morning of that very day when Even got a message from Isak.

 

Isak: Let’s hang out after school :) I have exciting news!

Even: Okay <3

Isak: How’s it going?

 

Even thought about lying to Isak. He hadn’t exactly been honest about his family situation. Isak knew that Even’s father was the only parent who worked and that his mother was sick a lot so couldn’t work. Even just hadn’t explained that his mother’s sickness was actually alcoholism and it had destroyed her teaching career.

Even also hadn’t really been honest about how much it impacted his own life.

 

Even: I’m all right. Not the best day today

Isak: Want me to call? We can talk about it

Even: I’ll tell you after school

Isak: Okay <3 but actually though? You’re usually a man of mystery

Even: What? I’m an open book

Isak: You spend so much time trying to help other people that you never talk about you

I’m all ears, Ev

 

Even bit his bottom lip. Isak wasn’t wrong. Even didn’t really dwell on his own feelings because he didn’t want to bring other people down. He knew if he went on about his own chronic illness as well as his mother’s alcoholism, he would bum a lot of people out. But he could only try and be Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky for so long too, and he hadn’t been his normal optimistic self since the end of last year anyways.

It just took too much out of him to pretend.

 

Even: It’s my mom’s birthday today and usually her birthday gets ruined

Isak: In what way?

Even: Remember when I said my mom is sick?

Isak: Yeah

Even: She’s an alcoholic. She binges a lot on her birthday

Isak: Even.

Fuck.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Does she get angry or..?

Even: Yeah. She gets belligerent and then passes out. She’s asleep a lot of the time

Isak: Meet me at my locker? I want to hug you

Even: Okay. Be there soon <3

 

Isak had become one of Even’s best friends. They were always together and they often hung out with Mikael, Elias, Mutta, Adam and Yousef after school as well. Isak fit in with them, understood their humour and liked the same things as them. Isak had become this entirely new, confident person in the span of nearly five months and it always took Even aback.

He was so beyond proud of Isak. He was so proud to call Isak his friend.

And he was also becoming so fucking aware of how much he was falling for Isak that he couldn’t really push it away anymore.

The first day of school had surprised Even – this fierceness inside of him to protect Isak, keep him safe. He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of the other boy. And for a second he thought that maybe he felt something more. Maybe Isak was someone he was meant to be with.

But then he’d convinced himself shortly after that that he was latching onto Isak simply because of how things had gone downhill with Sonja. His lack of feelings for Sonja had been twisted into false feelings for Isak. It had seemed as simple as that.

Even instantly loved Isak, but as a friend. He was just outrageously happy that it happened to be Bakka Isak had transferred to. It was fate. They were meant to be friends. An epic, Baz Luhrmann-worthy tale of friendship. Bromance? Bromance.

But now.

_Ha_. Even wanted to laugh at how pathetically oblivious he was; how out of tune he was with his own feelings.

Even never thought of anyone else. He woke up thinking of what his first message would be to Isak – which, okay, wasn’t new but now it was different because he knew he would _see_ Isak too. It wasn’t just some random person on the internet but someone Even actually knew in real life. He got these strange ripples of feeling throughout his whole body every time Isak came up to him in the hallways, pulling him into a hug. He was stupidly endeared by everything Isak did; how clumsy he was; how foot-in-mouth he could be. How smart Isak really was. How passionate. How _beautiful._

Even was so lost in Isak, both mentally and physically. Even hardly ever stopped looking at Isak; the curve of his lips, his strong jaw, the softness of his hair. How touchable Isak was. And when they sat together in Isak’s bedroom, close enough to feel each other’s chests move when they breathed, Even was so overcome by the urge to keep touching Isak. Not just a quick hug or a slap on the arm. He wanted to wrap his arms around Isak, hold him against his chest.

Even had only ever known Sonja. He’d had his first kiss with her. She was the first person he ever slept with. He always imagined himself as straight because hello, girls were _gorgeous._ But lately, he wondered if he was attracted to boys too. Isak was a boy. But then he wondered to himself if maybe he liked Isak physically as a girl…if he maybe subconsciously pictured Isak’s body underneath his clothes as the body he was familiar with. Breasts and hips and smooth legs and…

But _no_. Even didn’t think of Isak as a girl at all. When he thought of Isak in a sexual way, usually late at night when we couldn’t sleep and his hand was under the band of his boxers, he thought of Isak as male. He thought of Isak on top of him. He thought of Isak underneath him, legs spread, breath coming fast. He thought of making Isak come, seeing his face contort in pleasure. But he never pictured any specific body parts. He just knew that he wanted _Isak_ , not what was under his clothes.

Everything about Isak turned him on.

And it was driving him _crazy._

**

When Even met Isak at his locker, Isak held him longer than their normal hugs. It was longer than any hug they had shared since the first day of school. Isak ran a hand through Even’s messy hair, held most of Even’s weight against himself which felt glorious on his sore joints. And Even nearly cried from the tenderness of it.

He hadn’t wanted to let go.

“Jesus, Even. You look exhausted.” Isak whispered, pulling back to look into Even’s eyes.

“I haven’t been sleeping well.”

Had Even mentioned how much he hated January? If it wasn’t his sore joints keeping him up at night it was the worry he felt when he thought of his Mom. When he heard her stumbling around at night, trying to pour a drink with unsteady hands.

Or nowadays, whenever he tried to close his eyes, all he saw was Isak smiling at him, waiting for a kiss.

“I hope I can maybe cheer you up after school. And you can sleep on my couch if you want. You could have a nap.” Isak said, eyes wide; hopeful. Dazzling.

Even was so screwed.

“Okay.” He smiled.

**

Pappa: Hi Even. I’ll be working late again tonight. Could you make sure you’re home tonight for Mamma’s birthday? Daniel’s coming over to see her

 

Even was frozen. He couldn’t move. He was clutching his phone so hard that he was afraid he would shatter it.

_Breathe. Breathe._

But it was too hard. His lungs weren’t working as he sat outside waiting for Isak; waiting for the nice evening they had planned together to begin. _Fuck._

“Even? You ready?” Isak asked, patting on Even’s shoulder. Even hadn’t realized Isak had come out of the school because he couldn’t take his eyes off his phone, off that message.

_Daniel’s coming over._

“Hey. Even?” Isak asked, sitting beside Even this time as he shivered. “What’s wrong?”

Even shook his head, still trying to breathe. He couldn’t answer questions right now. He didn’t have the ability so he just leaned into Isak and closed his eyes.

“Okay. I got you. It’s okay.” Isak said, repeating it over and over as he rubbed a hand up and down Even’s back.

Even didn’t know how long he laid there with his eyes closed, clinging to Isak, but it only felt like seconds before someone else was kneeling in front of him; saying his name. He felt warm hands envelope his cold cheeks and that’s what made him open his eyes.

“Mik.” Even said, not recognizing his own voice.

“Hey, Evy. Can you stand for me, bud?” Mikael asked, smiling at Even like he always did.

It was then that Even realized that all the other students were gone and it was just him, Isak and Mikael sitting in front of Bakka. _Fuck._ Maybe Even actually _had_ fallen asleep against Isak. He slowly sat up, back screaming at him and he blearily looked between his two friends.

“What happened?”

“Are you all right?”

Isak and Mikael spoke at the same time, their eyes fixed on Even. Embarrassed, Even held out his phone to Mikael – knowing he would understand.

“Read my dad’s message.”

Mikael did, searching until he opened it and then a deep frown appeared on his face. He looked up to Even and sighed sadly. “Shit. Even, you know you don’t have to do anything. You can stay at my house tonight, okay?”

“What? What is it?” Isak squeaked, his arm still wrapped around Even’s back. “Can you tell me what’s happening?”

Mikael looked anxiously at Even, probably unsure what Isak knew about Even’s family. Even had never told Isak about his older brother, Daniel and he’d only _just_ told Isak about his mom. But somehow he didn’t care if Isak knew. Even knew that Isak wouldn’t judge him.

“My dad texted me…and asked if I would be home for my mom’s birthday since he’s working late. But I…don’t want to.” Even began, searching Isak’s face for understanding. He wasn’t disappointed.

“I’m with Mikael, then. You don’t have to do _anything.”_ Isak said, pulling Even closer to him.

“Well, you have to do _one_ thing and that’s walk so we can try and warm up. It’s freezing out here.” Mikael teased, reaching to Even’s side that wasn’t occupied by Isak and helping Even to his feet.

“Sorry, guys. I didn’t mean to shut down. I just…” Even shook his head, knowing he didn’t need to apologize or explain.

“We know, Ev. Don’t worry.” Mikael nodded.

They began walking, a silence falling over them. At a crosswalk, Mikael started walking one way while Isak walked another and they both turned back to Even expectantly.

“I’m hanging with Isak tonight.” Even explained, biting his bottom lip.

A funny expression crossed Mikael’s face before he nodded and walked away, waving over his shoulder. “You boys have fun! Don’t feel guilty, Even!”

“Guilty?” Isak frowned.

Even sighed, catching up with Isak. “I have a bad habit of thinking that I owe my parents everything. I don’t often say no to them without thinking I’m an awful son.”

Isak didn’t make fun of him for it because it seemed like he understood. Maybe that’s something Isak did too.

“It’s not your responsibility to please them. I know you said your dad works a lot, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with your mom all alone. If you don’t want to be around her, then you don’t have to be.” Isak said softly and Even was finding it hard to look away from the snow that was caught in Isak’s hair, turning it white.

He imagined the hair would still be soft.

“Yeah.” Even shrugged. “But I always worry something will happen to my mom if I’m not there. She falls a lot. She once broke both her arms within the span of six months and both times it happened when I could have been home but I wasn’t.”

“That doesn’t make it your fault.” Isak said immediately. “It’s not your fault your mom has a drinking problem.”

Even swallowed hard, knowing Isak was right. But that didn’t ease his worry. For years now, Even had come home each day hoping his mom wasn’t in some kind of peril – or more specifically, _life threatening_ peril. He had come home once to all four burners on the oven lit, something cooking on that stove that was on fire. He’d also come home to her having fallen asleep in the bathtub and also passed out in the backyard wearing nothing but a torn nightgown.

Every time he thought it was as bad as it could get, something worse happened.

“My mom won’t be alone tonight.” Even said, suddenly wanting Isak to know everything. He swallowed hard, glancing over at Isak who was looking at Even with his full attention.

“What do you mean?”

_Here goes nothing._ “I have an…an older brother named Dan. He’s coming over tonight.” Even hated the way his voice shook when he mentioned Daniel but it was involuntary. Isak seemed to catch it too.

“Are you two not…close?” Isak asked delicately.

_The farthest thing from it._

“No. We haven’t talked in over a year.”

Isak stopped walking even though Even could see Isak’s house in the distance. He turned and looked at Even properly, his face full of concern. He reached out to touch Even’s face, his hand warm even though he wasn’t wearing gloves.

“You don’t have to tell me, Even, but…what did Daniel do?”

“How do you know it was _Daniel_ who did something?” Even whispered, leaning into Isak’s hand which made their bodies come closer together.

“Because I’ve never heard you sound like this before.” Isak said. “And you’re shaking. And…” Isak swallowed, biting his bottom lip before continuing. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. I don’t think you could ever do something to intentionally hurt someone.”

_Fuck._

_I’m so in love with you._

Even didn’t realize he was going to do it until he was already pressing his lips softly to Isak’s cheek, lingering longer than he should have. He probably shouldn’t have been kissing Isak _at all,_ but he had to do something to alleviate the pressure in his chest; the love that wanted to fall out of his mouth in a series of confessions and compliments.

Isak breathed out a laugh as Even pulled back. “What was that for?”

Even blushed. “I just wanted to, since _you’re_ the kindest person _I’ve_ ever met.”

“You cheeseball. I think all those romance movies you watch are going to your head.” Isak teased, leaning up on his tip-toes to place a kiss on Even’s cheek too.

Even expected Isak to move away instantly after his lips left the skin of Even’s cheek, but he didn’t. He stayed close enough to Even that Even could feel Isak’s breath flitter across his lips.

And then Isak placed a kiss on Even’s nose.

And then his other cheek. The edge of his jaw.

Even put his hands out, finding Isak’s waist, not knowing if he wanted to pull Isak closer or make him step away. He was so overwhelmed with their closeness and from how fast Isak was breathing, apparently he was too.

“Even, I…” Isak began, eyes closed as he swayed a bit closer to Even, his face tucking into the side of Even’s neck. It reminded Even so much of the first day of school, when Isak had cried and when Even had wheeled them both to class; Isak on his lap with his arms around Even’s shoulders.

_I wanted you then, too._

“Daniel didn’t hurt you, did he?” Isak suddenly asked, pulling Even into a hug. “I can’t stand the thought of someone hurting you.”

Even didn’t lie. He usually did, even to his friends he’d known for years. But for some reason, he trusted Isak with everything in him and he spoke the truth that he’d barely been able to admit to himself.

“Yeah, he did. He hurt me a lot.”

**

It hit Even as he was sitting at Isak’s kitchen table having dinner with the Valtersen’s that he had nearly _kissed_ Isak. Isak had nearly kissed _Even._ Like proper, mouth-to-mouth kissing.

And he somehow had to pretend that it hadn’t happened because as soon as they’d gotten through Isak’s door, Marianne was a whirlwind of questions and smiles; bringing over snacks and tea for them. She always did this and normally Even loved it. He loved seeing Isak’s mother so bubbly and kind; awake enough to know what her children were doing.

But right now all he wanted to do was go up to Isak’s room where they could be alone and actually talk. He wanted to ask if Isak had just being nice, trying to calm Even with physical touch or if there was something more; if Isak felt even a shred of what Even was feeling.

Isak kept sending Even glances over the table, small and secret smiles that Even couldn’t decipher because he’d never seen them before. Isak smiled at him a lot, but not like _this._ Even couldn’t remember Isak ever looking at him this much either, with this burning intensity that was so out of place for the light atmosphere surrounding the dinner.

Everything felt like it had changed and Even was vibrating in his chair, hardly able to swallow the delicious food.

“Isak, I saw Jonas in the mall today.” Marianne said, taking a sip of her wine. Even always watched her with fascination when she drank just one glass of red wine, taking small sips like she was savouring it.

Even’s mom went through two bottles a day, pouring obscene amounts into pint glasses and chugging the entire thing within five minutes.

Isak tore his eyes away from Even and looked towards his mother. “Oh?”

“He was holding hands with someone.” Marianne stated, looking guilty; like she was holding something back.

Isak just sighed. “Was it Eva?”

Marianne frowned. “No. Why would he be holding hands with Eva? Eva, as in your _friend?”_

“Because they’re dating.” Isak said, but now he sounded unsure.

“What? How awful of them!”

“This happened a while ago. They told me back in September.” Isak said, trying to play it casual but Even could see the hurt in his eyes.

“Oh, Isak. I’m so sorry, baby. That’s really cruel of them. But, it definitely wasn’t Eva he was holding hands with, or kissing for that matter. Not unless Eva has suddenly chopped all her hair off.”

Isak slumped back in his chair a little, eyes glued to his plate and he looked lost. Even knew all about Isak’s ex and his good friend getting together. He’d practically made Isak talk about it rather than constantly brushing it off as no big deal. And as far as Even knew, Isak had spoken to Eva or Jonas since before Christmas. Maybe they’d broken up since then.

_Fuck_. Did this mean Isak had someone new to be jealous of? Someone else who was dating the boy Isak had been madly in love with?

Was Isak still actually in love with Jonas?

“Even?”

He snapped his head up, realizing everyone was done eating. Isak held out his hand, motioning for Even to hand over his plate.

“Will you help me with dishes?” Isak smiled.

**

Even could hear Marianne, Terje and Lea in the living room laughing as they watched a movie together. He was drying what was nearly the last dish and their laughter was his soundtrack, the room otherwise silent except for the sounds of Isak scrubbing dishes. Isak was washing the dishes with such focus that he hadn’t spoken to Even since they’d been left alone in the kitchen.

_Please don’t pretend nothing happened._

“Do you think Eva and Jonas broke up?” Isak asked, eyes finally landing back on Even, handing him another dish to dry.

Even’s heart sank.

“Maybe. It sounds like it.”

“Hmm.” Isak hummed, frowning a little as he started scrubbing the last pot.

“Does it matter that much to you?” Even asked, his voice squeaking a bit.

Isak stopped scrubbing and looked at Even again. “No. _No._ I don’t…want Jonas again or anything.” He said it all in a rush, like he was desperate for Even to believe him; like he had read Even’s mind and sensed the fear there.

“Okay.”

“Let’s not talk about it. I want to talk about you. Sorry we got…interrupted. You know how my mom is.” Isak said it fondly, chuckling.

“Your mom is adorable.”

“Yeah.” Isak agreed. “But anyways. Did you want to tell me about Daniel? You said he…hurt you.” Isak’s voice utterly changed. He sounded so sad as he turned his body towards Even, hands still in the soap dish water.

This really wasn’t what Even wanted to talk about. At all. Sure, he wanted to be honest with Isak about Daniel and he’d been close to revealing everything but then they’d kissed each other. Isak had lingered like he’d wanted more, and Even didn’t know if he could talk about anything else right now.

“Even?”

“You…you kissed me.” Even whispered, surprised that he’d actually said it.

Isak’s eyes widened. “You kissed _me_ first.”

“Is that why you kissed me back? The only reason?”

Isak looked away, guilt washing over his features. He splashed the water around in the sink, his lips pulled tight together.

“Why are you doing this?” Isak whispered.

Even frowned. “Doing _what?”_

“I know you know how I feel about you, okay?” Isak snapped, shaking his head like he was angry with himself. “But you don’t have to…rub it in my face. You don’t have to always touch me and make me…”

Even’s heart was pounding so hard he was dizzy with it.

“Make me _want_ you even more. And then you kiss me, like it’s _nothing…_ like I don’t completely crumble every time you look at me.”

“ _Isak.”_

“No, Even! Just drop it, okay? Please don’t bring it up again. I know you’ve been…ignoring it. All the ways I probably make it so _fucking obvious,_ but…I need you to just keep ignoring it, okay? Just let me try and stop _wanting_ you. Believe me, I’ve _tried…”_ Isak was rambling, his face turning bright red and he was probably wishing he could stop. But it’s like the flood gates were open now and Isak wasn’t stopping.

“It’s so hard to stop. You’re just…you’re _you._ This perfect person who I never expected. But I know you’re straight. I know it’s proper girls who do it for you. Not boys with the _parts of girls.”_

Even put down the dish towel and walked closer to Isak, putting a finger up across Isak’s lips to silence him. Isak stopped speaking and turned to Even, his eyes glistening with unshed tears; evidence that he was frustrated and embarrassed.

“Isak. Now that I know you feel it too, I’m not ignoring _anything_ ever again.” Even whispered, moving his face closer to Isak’s as he moved his hands away from Isak’s mouth.

“What?” Isak said, barely audible. His eyes searched Even’s face, probably for signs that Even was teasing him.

“I want you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Even hasn't completely figured out his sexuality in this fic, just because he was with Sonja for so long and didn't much think about being attracted to other genders/people. So, he's kind of discovering it as he goes. I am not pansexual, but when Even is thinking about how he thinks of Isak, I tried my best to describe what I believe to be a pansexual attraction (just based on someone close to me and what they told me) Let me know if this is wrong/inaccurate, etc or just your thoughts! **
> 
> Quote in beginning from Maya Angelou. 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated! :)


	9. My Story To Tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Heads up for some discussion surrounding body dysphoria for a trans person in this chapter**

_“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as possible; how it can actually ache in places that you didn’t know you had inside of you.”_

**February**

Isak couldn’t really believe that Even was naked in his bed, morning light streaming in over his delicate features. If Isak pinched himself just to make sure it was real, he wouldn’t admit it. And he also wouldn’t admit to how insanely amazing and giddy he became when, after pinching his arm, Isak didn’t wake up to an empty bed. He _wasn’t_ dreaming at all.

Even was really here. Last night had actually happened.

Isak snuggled a bit closer, wrapping his arms and legs around the other boy; needing to feel all of him. Even shifted a bit in his sleep, pulling Isak against his solid chest and Isak let out a small whimper of pleasure, the ache between his legs begging him not to go back to sleep.

He rocked his hips down, feeling Even’s thigh under him. The gasp he let out was enough to wake Even apparently, because suddenly his eyes opened and found Isak’s; a smirk playing out on his lips.

“Good morning,” Even rasped, licking his lips to moisten them. He shifted again, lying completely on his back this time and before Isak could blink Even pulled him so he was on top of Even, straddling him.

Isak thrust down, relishing how amazing it was when Even held onto his hips and bucked up his own in return; lips parting softly in an ‘o’ shape. Isak was already desperate.

“Are you needy, baby boy?” Even asked, his voice still wrecked.

“ _Yes._ I waited long enough to do this with you. I think I’m addicted now.”

Even moaned a little as he licked into Isak’s mouth. “I don’t know if I should enable your addiction.”

Isak smirked, knowing Even would give in; feeling how much Even wanted him back. “Let’s see if I can change your mind.”

 

**January – 1 month earlier**

Isak didn’t have words. He couldn’t make his mouth move or his brain think of something to say as he stared up at Even. Isak’s hands were still in the sink, in the lukewarm water and he pulled them out; glad to have _something_ to do. He reached for the discarded dish towel that Even had put on the counter and dried his hands.

“Isak? Did you hear me?” Even asked, reaching out to touch Isak’s cheek; pull a strand of hair out of his eyes.

Isak nodded, still speechless; still shell shocked.

“You had a lot to say a second ago.” Even teased, his chest touching Isak’s now. Even was _so close,_ and saying things that Isak only dreamed of; fantasies that he thought he’d never get in real life.

“I…don’t believe you.” Isak chose to say, because it was the first thing that came to mind and also the truth. “I…”

“Well, I don’t care if you don’t believe me.” Even whispered, no malice to his voice.  He was leaning down, staring at Isak’s mouth and Isak couldn’t _breathe._

“Even, I…” Isak pulled away just an inch, his brain too muddled. He still felt like Even was teasing him.

“I’m going to kiss you now, Isak.”

And then he did. He placed his lips over Isak’s and wrapped his arms around Isak’s shoulders, enveloping him in warmth. Isak immediately kissed back because it was Even and he was so fucking in love with him that it hurt; the longing he harboured in his chest had felt like enough to crush him all these months. But now, it lessened. As their kisses became more than just pecks, Isak felt himself relax; soothed.

“Boys?” Marianne’s voice interrupted, and Isak could tell she wasn’t in the kitchen yet. But she would be any second so he pulled away from Even, putting some space between them just as his mother walked in and smiled at them. “Are you done the washing up? The movie is halfway over. You’re missing everything.”

 _Why do you have the worst timing in the world?_ Isak thought, momentarily annoyed. But then he felt a surge of fondness for his mom because she’d just said ‘boys’ like it was the easiest thing in the universe.

“Yeah, we’re all done Marianne.” Even said, coming up behind Isak and briefly touching his back. “We’ll be right there.”

“Okay.” Marianne said, walking back out with a curious look on her face. It was only last week that she’d asked Isak if he had feelings for Even since all Isak talked about was Even _this_ and Even _that_ , which Isak had scoffed at; trying to make her and himself believe that it wasn’t true. But who was he kidding, really?

Isak turned back to Even, knowing they were both blushing and he suddenly felt very shy. Like he didn’t know Even as well as he did. Like they didn’t spend basically all their time together.

But Even just smiled at him the way he always did, reaching for Isak’s hand. “Are you okay?”

_I’m amazing._

_You like me back._

“Yeah.” Isak nodded, leaning up to place a quick kiss on Even’s mouth just because he could. “I’m good.”

**

The movie was torture because Isak was wedged between Even and his sister, hyper-aware of Even’s leg pressed into his own but unable to touch. His hands were practically itching to sweep across Even’s legs and chest, up to take a hold of his hair; bring their mouths together. Isak was refraining from jumping into Even’s lap and it was really distracting. He didn’t even know what movie they were watching, to be honest.

At one point Even leaned in, making sure no-one else could hear him, and whispered, “Why are you fidgeting so much?”

Isak closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath but Even was right there. He could feel Even’s breath on his face and neck, making him shiver; making him _want._ They had so much to talk about and they couldn’t right now. Isak loved his family and spending time with them but this was _too much._

“You know why.” Isak replied, turning his face closer to Even’s so he could hear.

“Hey, Isak?” Even asked, his voice suddenly a lot louder as he cleared his throat. Isak jumped a little. “I think we should get a head start on that Math assignment we have together, don’t you?”

_Holy hell I love you._

“Yeah.” Isak agreed, already standing up. “I think you’re right.”

“Oh, come on!” Lea whined, pinching Isak’s arm. “This is the best part of the film!”

“If they have homework to do, that comes first, Lea.” Terje piped in, looking up at Isak and winking at him. _Winking._ Isak felt his eyes go wide.

“We’ll just be upstairs.” Isak said dumbly, heading for the stairs with Even hot on his heels.

As soon as Isak closed his bedroom door, Even pushed him up against it, kissing him with more passion than before; a desperation to his kisses that stunned Isak into a stupor. He tried to keep up, holding on to Even’s arms, his mind feeling dizzy.

“Sorry,” Even gasped, finally stopping so they could both breathe. “I don’t mean to go too fast.”

Isak shook his head, close to panting. “It’s okay. I’d hoped you would do that, actually.”

“Yeah?” Even smiled, bumping his nose against Isak’s.

“Yeah.”

They sat together on Isak’s bed, sitting close. Even kept rubbing his fingers over Isak’s knuckles, shooting him glances every few seconds; sometimes smiling, sometimes looking like he was in awe. Isak continued to blush, not feeling worthy of stares like that.

“What was your good news?” Even asked, surprising Isak. “You said this morning that you had good news.”

“Oh.” Isak laughed, remembering; his belly clenching in excitement. “I get to start hormones next week. I finally saw a doctor at the gender clinic and I’m cleared to start testosterone.”

“Isak, _holy shit.”_ Even beamed, pulling Isak into a huge hug that toppled them both over; Isak ending up basically on top of Even as they laughed. “That’s amazing.”

“You think so?”

“ _Of course._ I’m so fucking happy for you.”

Isak shifted so his head was on Even’s chest, Even’s arm now running up and down his back and he felt so much at peace. He felt so cared for and it suddenly hit him that Even wasn’t teasing. Even _wanted_ Isak the way Isak wanted him. Isak squeezed Even, his own arm around Even’s waist and he buried his face in Even’s side.

“Hey, don’t hide.” Even whispered, running a hand through Isak’s hair. “I want to see your face.”

Isak looked back up at him, still smiling and he huffed out a laugh. Even was looking at him so fondly that Isak felt that shyness creep back into him, unable to hold Even’s gaze.

“Isak?”

“Hm?”

“I’m not straight.” Even stated, looking a bit serious now. “I don’t want you to think that I think of you as a girl, because I _don’t.”_

Isak was once again stunned by Even’s ability to find the right thing to say; always soothe Isak with his words and reassurance. He snuggled a bit closer.

“When I think of you, I think of _Isak._ This beautiful person that…” Even looked nervous and that was somehow so endearing to Isak. “That I’ve fallen so hard for. Who I can’t believe likes me too.”

“I do.” Isak said, leaning up so he could stroke a hand up Even’s face. “I do, Even. You’re my favourite person in the world. You really didn’t know I liked you too? I thought I was so transparent.”

Even shook his head. “No. I guess I was too busy trying not to be obvious as well.” Even smiled, kissing Isak’s hand. “So, does this mean you’ll date me?”

Isak clicked his tongue, outraged that this was a question. “Of course I will, stupid.”

“Good.” Even grinned, switching their positions so he was on top of Isak, tilting his chin back as he lowered some of his weight on Isak’s body.

Isak knew this position; knew what it was like to have a boy on top of him and he’d honestly missed it. He instinctively put his hands on Even’s ass and pulled him down harder, spreading his legs to make room for Even. Even seemed to like that because he moaned into their kiss, moving his tongue out to find Isak’s quicker than before; like he couldn’t help himself.

Isak knew how to turn boys on. He used to love getting Jonas riled up; tease him until he was begging. But it suddenly occurred to Isak that he only really knew how to turn boys on as a _girl._ Maybe it wasn’t that different being a boy, but it somehow seemed like it should be. Maybe he needed to be doing something else. He knew Even liked him as Isak, but…Even also must like Isak’s body and it didn’t have hard edges like a boy’s. He didn’t have a flat chest or narrow hips or…a cock for Even to feel under him.

All at once, Isak felt horrendously self-conscious and he gripped Even’s hips; trying to get him to stop moving. Thankfully, Even obeyed and he pulled back to look at Isak; searching his face.

“Are you okay?”

“No, I…” Isak shuddered, shaking his head. “Sorry. I just need a second.”

Immediately, Even moved so he was lying next to Isak instead of being on top of him; giving Isak the space he needed. He also didn’t start asking more questions but rather rubbed a hand up and down Isak’s arm, waiting until Isak would look at him.

Isak knew he liked Even; _loved_ him. But he hadn’t given much thought to how it would feel trying to date Even when he was in the wrong body; how inadequate he felt. How disconnected he was from how he looked and how he _felt._ Maybe he hadn’t thought about it because he never imagined dating Even would be something he was actually doing. But now, here they were. Together. And Isak wanted to be happy about that, but the happiness he did feel was being squashed by Isak’s inability to be a proper boy.

The binder Isak wore to flatten his chest was suddenly all Isak could think about; all he could feel. The fabric that was tight but usually forgettable felt like it was squeezing his lungs; cutting off his air. And then Isak was thinking about how he couldn’t be with Even the way he wanted. They couldn’t brush their cocks together. Isak couldn’t _fuck_ Even, not really. Isak didn’t have the equipment he would need for that.

Fuck, his thoughts were spiralling.

“Isak. Hey, it’s okay.” Even said, looking nervous. “Just tell me if I did something wrong.”

“No.” Isak managed, stupidly close to tears. “No, it’s not _you._ It’s me that’s wrong.” He motioned towards his body, trying to get Even to understand what he meant.

Even hesitated for a second but then he seemed to understand. “Shit, Isak. No, baby. You’re not _wrong_ at all.”

Isak felt so embarrassed because he was probably ruining his chance to be with Even. He felt like he was squandering it with how he was reacting, pushing Even off of him like he didn’t want to touch him. In reality, _all_ Isak wanted was to touch Even and he wanted Even to touch him too. It was all he dreamed about. But sooner or later Even would realize that Isak…Isak wasn’t _anything._

He was a boy in his head but physically, he wasn’t what anyone would by definition consider a boy.

“Isak, _please_ let me help.” Even begged.

“You can’t help, Ev. Unless you can magically give me a new body.” Isak whispered, once again hating his reaction; hating how helpless Even looked.

“I _love_ your body the way it is. And I’ll love it if you change it too.” Even said, saying it slowly.

Isak knew that Even meant for his words to calm him but they ended up doing the opposite. Of course, Isak was happy that Even wanted him. It was great that Even loved Isak’s body. But maybe that wasn’t really the problem. The problem was that _Isak_ didn’t love his body. He felt like he was experiencing reverse phantom limb. Rather than missing what was taken from him, he was unable to use or feel what he _should_ have always had.

“Even, _please.”_ Isak was crying now. He couldn’t stop his tears and he didn’t even know what he was asking for. He just didn’t want to feel this way anymore.

“I _love_ you. All of you. Every part, Isak.”

Isak turned to Even and wrapped his arms around him, too overwhelmed to say anything. He wanted to say it back. _I love you too, more than anything._ But he couldn’t.

“Isak. We can go slow, okay? Anything you need. I just want us to be together.” Even whispered, kissing Isak’s temple.

“Okay.” Isak managed, clinging to Even a little tighter.

They laid like that for a long time until Isak felt slightly better, the tidal wave of dysphoria dissipating a little. That’s what Isak’s doctor had called it, _dysphoria_. When Isak didn’t feel good in his body. When he felt he shouldn’t have certain parts and should have others; like his body mould was sculpted wrong. Now that he identified as male and wanted to be seen as male, his doctor had told him his dysphoria could become worse.

Isak had become increasingly uncomfortable with his chest. He didn’t exactly have large breasts, but they were certainly noticeable. His binder hid them most of the time but Isak tended to wear layers to make sure it didn’t look like he had lumps on his chest at all.

He could ignore it most days. It was sometimes enough to wear his binder and a hoodie, spray some men’s cologne on his wrists and hive-five Even’s friends – who were now Isak’s friends – when he got to school. He felt like a normal high-school boy. But other days, nothing was enough to make him forget. And going into the disabled toilet instead of a boy’s bathroom was the ultimate reminder.

He didn’t want to spend his entire relationship with Even caught up in feeling like he wanted to jump out of his skin. He wanted Even to see him. He didn’t want to hide or wear all his layers if they ever had sex. He’d only thought about having sex with Even _thousands_ of times by now. Even felt so good on top of him, next to him. He didn’t want his dysphoria to ruin anything they might eventually do together in bed.

“Baby?” Even whispered, running his fingers through Isak’s hair again.

“Hmm?”

“Are you all right? I can practically hear you thinking.”

Isak swallowed tightly but then nodded. “Yeah. I’m all right.”

“Okay.”

**

“You don’t _want_ to go home, do you?” Isak asked, hovering by the hallway where Even was putting his boots back on.

Even sighed. “No. But, I have to.”

“You could stay here. Or go to Mikael’s.” Isak suggested, hating the thought of Even having to go back to a place where nobody really appreciated him; where he was a ghost.

“I can’t hide forever, Isak.” Even stated, standing up. “Sometimes it’s worse to be somewhere else for a while and then go back. It just reminds me how fucked up my family is when I’m around normal people. Kind people.”

“But it’s different tonight. Your brother is there. You never told me what’s up between you.” Isak knew he was stalling the inevitable, but he honestly didn’t want Even to go. He’d gladly let Even stay in his room every night.

“It’s a long story, baby.” Even said, leaning against the wall as he held Isak’s hand.

Isak hadn’t pushed Even to tell him the story about his brother earlier and he wouldn’t do it now. Even didn’t seem to want to go into detail about it. Maybe it was too painful. Maybe it would reopen too many wounds, and Isak respected that. He just wanted to make sure Even was safe.

“Will you at least let me know you’re okay?” Isak asked, smiling to himself. It wasn’t that long ago Isak was calling Even the mom friend. He supposed that’s what he was turning into. Or maybe, since they were dating, he could just consider himself a doting boyfriend.

“Of course. I’ll text you.” Even smiled, leaning in and placing a single kiss on Isak’s lips. “Bye.”

“Bye.” Isak whispered, watching Even walk out the door. He stayed where he was for another few minutes before he turned around and headed back upstairs.

He didn’t expect Lea to be standing in front of his door, arms crossed in front of her chest and smirking at him.

“A _math assignment,_ huh?” She said, chuckling as Isak rolled his eyes.

“Lea, go to bed.”

“Not until you admit that you’re dating Even.” She said, stubborn as ever. She followed him into his room and sat at his desk, staring at him intensely. “Come on, Isak. You aren’t fooling anyone. Have you seen the way Even looks at you? It makes me want to throw up.”

Isak chuckled at that. “ _Jealous,_ much?”

“Well, duh! Now admit that he’s your boyfriend!”

“Fine!” Isak said, exasperated now. “We’re together. Now get out of my room!”

Lea threw her hands up and cheered, making a heart with her hands before she walked out. Isak didn’t quite know if Lea was cheering because she was happy Isak and Even were together, or the fact that she got Isak to admit it.

By 22:00, Isak was exhausted. He was making himself wait up to hear from Even, but his eyelids were drooping and he knew he was about to fall asleep.  

Isak: Hey baby. Wow, I can call you that now :P I’m falling asleep. If you need anything tonight, just call me, okay? I hope home isn’t too awful. I love you (a lot). <3 <3

**

Isak was disappointed and worried when he woke up to his alarm and noticed that Even hadn’t texted him or called him. It wasn’t like Even to not talk to Isak. He sent a good morning text and started getting ready. His phone dinged a few seconds later and he rushed over to it, only to be disappointed all over again. It wasn’t Even.

 

Noora: Do you know of anyone who needs a room? I’m desperate for us to find a new roomie

Isak: I thought you had someone??

Noora: Eskild hooked up with him and things got weird

Isak: Ohhhh. Fun times

Ummm I don’t think I know anyone

I’ll ask around, though

Noora: Okay, thanks :P

How have you been?

Isak: Fine. You?

Noora: Not too bad. Are you coming to girl’s night this week?

Isak: Maybe. Not sure how much studying I have to do

Noora: You say that every week :(

Isak: School work is important

Noora: I know.

I can’t help but feel like you’re avoiding us? Nobody is taking anyone’s side when it comes to you and Eva. Everyone loves you two the same

Isak: I know. It’s honestly not about Eva

 

Well, the first few weeks it _was_ about Eva. But it was hurting less and less. When Isak thought about Jonas and Eva being together, his chest didn’t ache anymore. It still kind of annoyed him, but he had moved on.

And since Noora had brought up Eva, Isak figured this was a perfect time to ask.

 

Isak: Are Jonas and Eva still together?

Noora: No

Isak: Okkaayyy? Care to elaborate?

Noora: It’s not my story to tell, Is

Isak: Oh, come on

*rolls eyes forever*

Noora: If you want to know, ask her

Isak: Yeah, because that’s not awkward _at all_

Noora: Let me know if someone tells you they’re looking for a room

 

 _Thanks for nothing,_ Isak thought bitterly. What was the big deal if Noora told him? He went downstairs to eat breakfast with his family, unable to stop looking at his phone. He had an awful feeling brewing in his stomach and the sight of eggs made him want to hurl.

“What’s wrong?” Marianne frowned, sipping her coffee.

Isak looked up, his parents and sister all staring at him. “Um. I’m just worried about Even.”

“Oh. Why?” Terje prompted.

Isak was about to divulge everything because he was usually honest with his family. He was going to say something to the extent of ‘Even’s home life is fucked and I’m worried about him because he always texts me goodnight and last night of all nights he didn’t’ but he couldn’t help but remember what Noora said. _It’s not my story to tell._

“He just…normally texts me when he gets home and he didn’t. With his joints hurting, I just worry.” Isak shrugged, taking a small bite of toast.

Lea snorted into her chocolate milk and Isak kicked her under table. He got up shortly after and left a little early, the worry in his stomach only intensifying as he got closer to Bakka. All he kept thinking was that he had to find Even and make sure he was safe.

Isak approached the school, walking in through the main doors and instantly saw that there was some kind of commotion in the front corridor. He moved towards the crowd unthinkingly because his locker was that way anyways. He followed the shouts until he was right up close to whatever was happening.

His breath caught in his throat as he saw Even and some random boy glaring at each other, huffing like they had just been fighting. A lot of people were standing in a circle watching them and it reminded Isak too much of when he’d been cornered in the change rooms.

“Stop making a fucking scene!” Even hissed, glancing around; obviously uncomfortable with everyone watching him. “Let me take you home, Daniel.”

 _Daniel._ Oh, fuck.

“You hear that everyone? Even-the-hero wants to take me home!” The other boy, who looked strikingly similar to Even, shouted; lifting his arms up like he’d just scored a goal.

Isak wanted to go to Even and do something to help. But he was frozen where he was, not wanting to make the situation worse. Isak took in how exhausted Even still looked, how out of breath he was; the way he held onto the row of lockers behind him for support.

Fuck. Even was in pain.

“Daniel, come on. _Please.”_

“Fuck you, Even. You don’t get to ask me for favours.” Daniel sneered, looking like he was about to lunge towards Even. Isak pushed past a few people, ready to jump in, when a familiar voice boomed through the hall and the anger-fueled atmosphere.

“Okay, everyone. Break it up!” Mr. Lunde shouted, basically screaming. It stopped Daniel in his tracks and he turned like everyone else to face the principal, looking suddenly guilty. “Even. Daniel. My office, right now. The rest of you, move along.”

Isak wanted to give Mr. Lunde all the awards in the world.

Students dissipated, mumbling under their breath as they glanced at Even. Isak realized he was one of the students who was supposed to just ‘move along’ but he had to go and see Even. He couldn’t leave Even alone when he looked this…scared.

Isak tried to be subtle. Even was still leaning against the lockers, probably preparing himself to start walking. Isak slipped in beside him and placed a gentle hand on Even’s forearm.

“ _Even._ What’s going on?” Isak whispered, catching Even’s gaze.

Even’s eyes widened as he saw Isak and he glanced back at Daniel, making a small noise in his throat. He clutched onto Isak’s side, almost like he was shielding Isak from Daniel and Isak looked back at his brother, confused.

Daniel, who Isak could now see was completely hopped up on something, started making kissy faces in their direction, rolling his tongue across his lips in an obscene way right before Mr. Lunde yanked him by the arm.

“I…I’m _sorry,_ Isak. I…I just have to deal with this, okay?” Even trembled, taking a deep breath. “I’ll meet you at lunch.”

“Ev, don’t be sorry for anything. Jesus Christ. Did Daniel hit you?” Isak asked, noticing a red mark on Even’s face; resembling a slap.

“ _Isak._ Later, okay? I gotta go, baby.” Even whispered, walking past Isak.

Correction, _limping_ past Isak.

Isak looked on as Even made his way down the hall, pressing his lips together against the pain. Isak took out his phone a second later and opened up a group chat, one he had only been added to two months earlier.

 

**Balloon Squad**

Isak: Even’s brother was just here at Bakka. Something happened. We need to be here for him. He doesn’t look good. I’m really fucking worried, guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh.  
> **And we will OF COURSE be coming back to February and how that all happened. Have patience** :D 
> 
> Also. I talked to my husband extensively about how dysphoria feels for him, and what Isak experiences is something similar to that. I was hoping to portray Isak's dysphoria based on an actual trans person's feelings. Let me know your thoughts on this, though! 
> 
> Quote in beginning from 'The Holiday'
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated!


	10. Before I Met You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the long wait. I moved to a new country and started a new job and things have been chaotic AF. So, thanks for your understanding! :) 
> 
> **A warning for this chapter: ableist language, domestic fighting/arguing. If these things make you upset, you maybe want to skip this chapter. But it was crucial to write in terms of Even's back story (which I will admit was a tad darker than originally planned)**

_“I barely knew I had skin before I met you.”_

Even could hear the shouts from down the street; before he even saw his house. Somehow he knew that it was _his_ house the noise was coming from. Nobody else on their street yelled or screamed the way Even’s mother could; the way his brother _and_ mother could when they were together.

Even wanted to turn back around and go to Isak’s house where it was warm and loving. He wanted to wrap Isak in his arms and hold on forever because the thought of going to his house right now made him shiver even harder – this time, not from the bitter cold.

But he made himself walk until he reached the front of his house.

“You ungrateful little _brat!”_ Even’s mother yelled, just as Even walked through the door.

“Shut up, you dumb bitch!” Daniel retorted, throwing something against the wall in the living room. Even jumped at the sound of it shattering.

He also scrunched his nose against the smell of cigarette smoke that lingered whenever Daniel was here. He didn’t go outside to smoke his two packs a day and nobody told him off for it. Even had tried a few months earlier and got a bruised rib as a result.

Even wondered fleetingly if he could sneak upstairs without being seen, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to. The living room, where his mother and brother were, was the only way upstairs. He sighed, preparing for the worst and walked into the dimly lit room.

“It’s my _birthday,_ and this is how you treat me?” Lily hollered, looking only at her eldest son.

Even gulped down his nausea as he looked at his mother. She was pale and too thin, wearing the same sweatpants she’d had on for the last three days, a bottle of some kind of liquor in her hand. She was holding herself up against the wall, looking close to falling over.

Daniel wasn’t doing much better. He was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, one shoe off and leaning on his knees; also swaying too far forward. His eyes were glossy.

“I came to see you, didn’t I?” Daniel spat, rolling his eyes. “That’s more than I can say for Even. Oh, look who’s here!”

Even shrunk back as his mother and brother’s eyes landed on him, both looking furious. He licked his lips and put out his hands to steady his mother as she attempted to walk towards him. She fell, like he knew she would, and he helped her back up.

“You. Little. Shit.” Lily panted, wiping the spit off her lips as she leered at Even. “Where the _fuck_ have you been?”

There was no use trying to explain himself. Even if he lied, his mother wasn’t his mother right now. The kind, gentle woman who always used to smile at Even wasn’t here. Right now, Lily was someone else and this person never listened. This person scared Even.

“Yeah, where have you been?” Daniel asked, standing up. He nearly toppled over too, but he caught himself just in time.

“I was out.” Even muttered, moving past his family to the staircase. Daniel blocked his way before he could get there.

“How’s my baby brother doing, hm? What, no hug?”

Even shook his head and pushed past his brother, putting force into the shove even though it hurt his aching wrists. “Leave me alone.”

Even got up a few stairs, thinking for a second that that would be the end of it, but his mother’s voice was shrill in his ears a moment later.

“It’s my birthday, Even! Why are you acting like this?”

Even hesitated, closing his eyes; hovering solely because of the guilt he felt creeping into his chest. He hated walking out on his mother. Normally he would help her up to bed. He would sit and listen to her ramble until she passed out. But Dan was here. Dan was here and it made Even feel like he was being suffocated.

“Is Dad home yet?” Even chose to ask, wishing Claude was upstairs somewhere or perhaps went out to get food.

“No. He said he’s working a few extra hours.” Daniel said, sounding annoyed by it.

“Well, he’s the only one of us who actually pays the bills, isn’t he? It’s not his fault he’s always working.” Even snapped, finally reaching his limit. Daniel only ever talked shit about others. He never actually looked inside himself to see a problem.

Even found his brother’s eyes easily, holding the gaze. He frowned, wanting his anger to be noticeable even though Daniel was clearly hammered; his eyes not focusing.

“I guess it’s hard for Dad, huh?” Daniel whispered, walking closer to Even as their mother swayed dramatically to the left. “He has to work because you’re too crippled to have a job, Evy. Hm?”

Even flinched despite himself, hating how badly his brother affected him.

“When’s the last time _you_ brought home any money, Dan?”

They had been having this fight for close to three years now, right after Daniel moved out. He originally started classes in university but was kicked out before the end of his first semester after hosting campus parties too frequently and not handing in any work. His partying had never really stopped after that, and Even and his father would often not hear anything from Daniel for weeks. He lived with different people all the time. Friends. Girlfriends.

They never knew what he was doing, but the odds were high that it was something to do with drugs. Or drinking. Or both. He didn’t work for longer than a month before he would be fired. And eventually he found his way home; asking for money or a place to stay.

Even wished he wouldn’t come back. He wished Daniel would disappear.

But he always came back. And every time he did, he was worse. The arguing was worse. His skin was paler, like their mother’s. He was more and more violent. Even never felt safe.

Looking into his own brother’s eyes shouldn’t cause him this much agony.

“Fuck you, Even.” Daniel finally replied, wiping a hand across his mouth as he glared at Even. “You’re fucking selfish, you know that? Poor, poor Even. With his sore joints and big, stupid eyes. Let’s all feel so _sorry_ for Even, the cripple.”

Even had never asked for anyone’s pity. It had always been the opposite. He had done his best to thrive despite having his disease. He did things as normal despite the overwhelming pain. He didn’t cry when he was told he would need a wheelchair. He quickly poked fun at himself for things he could have potentially been made fun of for; getting one step ahead of assholes like Daniel who made it their mission to humiliate him.

Even had been as level headed as humanly possible until a few months ago. Until he’d stared into the eyes of his doctor, who had been treating Even for most of his life, as the older man told Even he had two forms of arthritis now. He had two separate diseases that attacked his joints. Two reasons why his body was in more and more pain recently. And he had a permanently injured left ankle that would need to be replaced as soon as possible.

_“I think that’s the best course of action, Even.  We’re going to switch your medications. Start you on an infusion two times a month. And I’ll book you in for an ankle replacement surgery hopefully by March.” Dr. Nate had explained kindly, patting Even’s shoulder as he always did._

_Even didn’t have words. And he didn’t quite understand why this truth was the one that shattered him. But it was. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Even’s body just kept getting worse. He was like a car that constantly needed fixing; never driving properly for more than short stretches at a time._

_And now there was something else he needed to fix; a new part that needed to replace the old one that didn’t work anymore._

_“I’m afraid your jaw isn’t doing the best either, Even.” Dr. Nate continued. “Your recent x-rays are showing quite a lot of damage and I’m worried about the state of your teeth. We may need to consider a jaw realignment come next summer, after you’ve recovered from the ankle replacement.”_

Daniel was right. Even’s body was crippled. He was, medically, falling apart. His life was never going to be what it could have been because of his disease, and he saw that now. He finally saw his limitations.

But Daniel didn’t have a right to say that Even wanted people to feel sorry for him. Even didn’t want pity or sad looks, not from anyone. Even didn’t _pity_ himself.

“The only person I feel sorry for, Daniel.” Even snarled, blood rushing in his ears as he leaned closer to his brother. “Is _you.”_

**

Daniel got a good first punch in right across Even’s cheek, but he was too drunk to really fight the way Even knew he could. Even didn’t punch him back but he tried his best to avoid more kicks and shoves, putting his arms out to steady himself. But he ended up on the floor regardless, his knees cracking from the sudden change of position.

Even was on his back at the bottom of the stairs as Daniel leaned over him; attempting to smack Even anywhere he could reach. Even looked over helplessly at his mother but Lily sagged against the wall, barely conscious. The small ‘ _Mom’_ he let himself say was lost in Daniel’s harsh breaths, the sounds of their struggling.

“That’s it. Cry, Even. That’s the only thing you’ve ever been good at.” Daniel laughed, getting his fist in Even’s hair and yanking sharply.

“You don’t know me _at all!”_ Even yelled back, twisting out of Daniel’s hold for a second, trying to stand up. But Daniel put his weight down on him, trapping him once again.

“Stop it! Stop it!”

Even hadn’t seen his father come in through the door, but apparently he had. Claude pulled Daniel up and off Even the next second, allowing Even to scramble to his feet and run up the stairs despite his ankles and knees protesting. He just needed to get away. He needed his room where the door could lock.

Even didn’t realize he was full-on sobbing until he closed his bedroom door and everything else was silent except him. He felt the tears slide down his face as he crumpled into a heap on his bed.

He didn’t feel sorry for himself. He was frustrated. He was sore. His face was now burning where Daniel had smacked him. There was also a hole in Even’s chest that was aching for his family. He’d kept hope alive for a long time that maybe things would be okay again. Maybe Lily would get help. Maybe Daniel would too. Maybe Claude would finally set some boundaries instead of ignoring everything; enabling everything.

But Even somehow knew that it wouldn’t happen. He was feeling that right now; the reality of how bad things were. He felt so detached from the people who were supposed to be his family; the people he’d grown up with.

Even cried a little harder, feeling trapped. Feeling stuck. He wanted Isak. He wanted…

Even blinked his eyes open, sucking in a long breath. It occurred to him in that moment that _Isak_ was his family. Mikael. The boys. They were who he thought of when he thought of love and family and togetherness. They were warmth and light.

They were what made Even not be alone.

The house quieted down after a little while and Even heard Claude put both Lily and Daniel into their beds before knocking gently on Even’s door. Even didn’t answer when his father called out to him, nor did he open his door. Claude gave up after a while and went into his own room, lightly closing the door.

Four people in four separate bedrooms, breathing in entirely different air.

Even took out his phone and saw Isak’s sweet goodnight message. He was going to reply but his eyelids were heavy. He fell asleep without consciously deciding to.

**

Even woke up in pain and he groaned as he sat up, squeezing his eyes shut at the onslaught of ache that throbbed in his wrists, ankles and jaw. His jaw had been particular bad lately. Eating wasn’t very fun anymore.

“Even. Time for school.” Claude’s soft voice came from outside Even’s door. When Even didn’t immediately answer, he heard his father again. “Even, _please?”_

Sighing, Even stood up and limped to his door, unlocking it and facing Claude who was holding out Even’s morning medication and a muffin. He looked at Even with a frown on his face, reaching out to lightly touch Even’s cheek where he had been hit. Even winced.

“I’m sorry, Even.”

Even took the meds and the muffin and shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“ _I’m fine.”_ A voice mocked. Even looked behind his father and saw Daniel coming out of his own room, smirking at Even.

“Give it a rest, Daniel.” Claude snapped, shaking his head. “Don’t be rude or you won’t be coming back here ever again.” His voice was practically a whisper.

“Sure.” Daniel nodded, walking into the bathroom.

“I have to get dressed.” Even said, trying to close his door again; not wanting to see his father’s face anymore.

“He’s leaving today. This morning. Even, I promise.” Claude spoke quickly, putting his hand out to stop Even from closing the door.

“Sure.” Even said, sounding just like Daniel. They knew their father. They knew he didn’t often mean what he said.

“Christ, Even. I’m trying okay!” Claude said, looking exasperated.

“Sure.” Even said, realizing he’d said it just as Daniel said it again, now walking out of the bathroom and coming over to his brother and father.

“Who’s that, Even?” Daniel laughed, pointing to some of the drawings that were on Even’s wall. Even turned around, realizing they were all his newest ones. All of Isak.

“Fuck off.”

“Daniel, would you…” Claude tried, but Daniel cut him off.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Daniel chuckled, shaking his head. “I didn’t know you suddenly liked dick now, little bro.”

Even slammed the door abruptly, locking it. He heard his brother and father arguing about something but he didn’t listen. He focused on getting himself dressed and getting his meds into his body. Maybe he’d get some relief today from them. Maybe. But right now, all Even wanted was to see Isak. _Real_ Isak. Not the drawings that couldn’t do him justice.

Even waited until it was quiet outside his door before he went out, hoping that Daniel had actually left like Claude said he would. Even made it downstairs, put his shoes on and was pretty much out the door right as Daniel came up beside him, looking smug.

“I’ll walk you to school.”

“I don’t need a chaperone. Would you just fuck off?” Even said, walking as fast as he could towards the tram. He realized pretty quickly that he should have taken his wheelchair today, but he didn’t want to turn back. He just wanted to get to school.

To Isak.

“Even, are you seriously into guys now? What happened to Sonja?” Daniel asked, walking beside Even like it was completely normal. Like Even had asked him to.

“Go away, Daniel. Why aren’t you in the bathroom with your head in the toilet like all your other hangover mornings?”

“I wasn’t drunk last night, bro.” Daniel laughed.

“I don’t fucking _care.”_ Even huffed, reaching the tram stop. He wouldn’t make eye contact. He knew Daniel liked doing this; riling him up. He’d been doing it all their lives. But there seemed to be something particularly vicious about this morning.

“I found a way to balance some booze with _a lot_ of drugs.” Daniel continued, lighting a cigarette. “So I don’t feel like shit in the morning.”

_But you still practically fall over. You’re still a fucking mess._

Even shook his head. He didn’t know why Daniel sounded so fucking proud of himself. He didn’t bother asking. He didn’t say anything.

“So, is Sonja single now then?”

Even clenched his hands into fists, his skin on fire with his rage. No way in hell would he be letting Daniel anywhere near Sonja. He still cared about her despite their break-up. He knew how much Sonja disliked Daniel, had been there to comfort Even whenever Dan had come back to stay at their house again.

The tram pulled up and Even felt relieved. He got on, expecting Daniel to give up and turn back around, but instead he followed Even onto the tram and sat down next to him.

“What the _fuck?”_

“I thought I’d come and check out Bakka. It’s been a while since I’ve been there.” Daniel shrugged, running a hand through his greasy beard.

“Do you have nothing better to do?” Even snapped, wrapping his arms around himself.

“Nope. I thought we could spend some quality time together.”

“I have class and you’re twenty-two, Dan. You should be working or doing something with your time. It’s fucking pathetic of you to follow me around. I don’t want you here.” Even said, trying to keep his voice low. The tram was busy as it was every morning and he didn’t want to make a scene.

He just wanted to wrap his arms around Isak and forget that he had a brother at all.

“You’re a little fucking bitch, you know that?” Daniel spat, genuinely angry now. His voice was loud and a few people turned their heads, frowning at him. “No wonder you’re a…”

“ _Shut up.”_ Even interrupted, not caring what insult Daniel was about to spew. He didn’t care.

He stood up and moved down the tram, trying to find another seat away from his brother. There weren’t any more seats and it was going to hurt Even’s joints to stand, but he’d rather stand and be in pain than be near Daniel. He clung to the railing and looked out the window, his back turned to where Daniel was presumable still sitting.

It was only a few more stops until Bakka and when Even finally reached the stop, he was practically running (well, limp-running) down the street, the front doors of the school in his sight. He took his phone out, wanting to text Isak and tell him that he would meet him, but then someone snatched his phone from him.

“Talking to your boyfriend?” Daniel sneered, holding the phone out of Even’s reach as he tried to grab it.

Even saw red.

“What kind of fucking kindergarten shit is this, Daniel? Give me my phone!”

But Daniel was now running, a lot faster than Even had ever been able to, towards Bakka and Even knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up. He knew he would just have to limp his way to school and go the rest of the day – perhaps the rest of the week - without his phone because God knows Daniel wouldn’t give it back to him.

He was furious as he entered the school, biting down on his bottom lip so hard he was basically tasting blood. He started walking towards his locker, completely unaware of his surroundings. It was only when he heard his brother’s voice that he looked up.

“ _You deserve all the love in the world, Isak!”_ Daniel was hollering now, loud enough so anyone standing near him in the front hall would hear. Even felt his cheeks turn hot as he realized Daniel was reading Even’s private messages to Isak.

“You’re so brave, baby boy. I wish I could see you smiling every day. I guess you really are gay now, huh Even?” Daniel continued, snickering to himself.

Even walked over to Daniel, glancing around him. When he was close he yanked Daniel’s arm, _hard,_ knocking the older boy off balance. He ended up dropping Even’s phone onto the floor.

“ _Fuck you!_ Just get the fuck away from me.” Even said under his breath, reaching down to pick up his phone.

He had just gotten it back up from the floor when Daniel pushed Even, knocking him into the lockers behind him. It pushed the breath out of Even’s lungs and he gasped at the force of it, chocking. Daniel moved in closer to him and Even looked at him properly for the first time. Daniel’s pupils were too dilated, he was sweating and bright red. He looked…completely gone. He didn’t look like Even’s brother at all.

He was still high, still lost to Even and it made Even panic the way it always did; the way he felt uncomfortable in his own skin when he saw his mother completely wasted. It was unsettling.

“Daniel, _please.”_ Even tried, his voice garbled from the lack of air.

People were crowding around them, watching. Some people were snickering like Daniel had; others looked concerned but afraid to intervene. Even looked around helplessly for some familiar faces, but he saw no-one.

_Isak,_ Even thought.

_Where are you?_

**

It felt like a blink. Like a second. But suddenly Mr. Lunde was dragging Daniel away and Isak _was_ here now. He was right in front of Even looking so scared and worried. He clung to Even, looking him over.

“Even, what’s going on?”

Even felt shattered. _I’m falling apart,_ he wanted to say. But instead he told Isak he needed to deal with something. He needed to deal with Daniel and he would come back. He would talk to Isak later. He pushed himself to follow Mr. Lunde and Daniel even though he just wanted to crumple against Isak. He wanted Isak to make it all better.

He was just around the corner, following Mr. Lunde dutifully as he always did when he froze. His legs stopped moving, almost like it wasn’t entirely his own decision. He saw Daniel struggle against Mr. Lunde’s grasp, swear loudly and obnoxiously. And Even knew he should go and explain. He should smooth it over. Maybe even help Daniel get home, wherever that was to him right now.

But all at once, Even didn’t care about following either of them. He didn’t care if Daniel got home. He didn’t care what the people thought around him. He didn’t feel _guilty_ for anything because he hadn’t done anything wrong.

He turned right around and walked right back where he’d left Isak; Isak, who was standing in the same spot, head down looking at his phone and typing furiously. Isak who was practically shaking, close to tears. Isak, who Even loved so fucking much he was stupid with it.

“Isak, _please.”_ Even whispered, reaching out to the shorter boy as he approached. Isak looked up, confused for all of a second before he opened his arms and held onto Even, letting out the gentlest of sounds.

Even didn’t cry. He didn’t feel like crying anymore. He just felt _safe._ He felt like he was home and for the first time in nearly twelve hours, he let himself relax. He let himself breathe.

“Baby, I love you.” Even said, not caring who heard them; not caring if this was a scene. This was the kind of scene Even wanted to make. He wanted people to know he loved Isak; his person, his world, the unexpected light.

His family.

“I love you too, Even. God, I love you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **On a personal note:  
> I think part of why this chapter took so long to write is because the character of Even in this story is based strongly on me and my experiences with chronic illness, domestic situations involving addiction and also my own journey of discovering my sexual orientation. It was hard to really put my own life into perspective through another character and it brought up a lot of stuff that does make me sad, but I wanted to get it done. I know for a fact that this chapter is as angsty as this story will get, but I wanted to show the hardships young people face - including chronic illness, gender identity, sexual orientation - or the issues many young people face without a lot of other people knowing their kinds of struggles. None of my friends had chronic illness problems growing up, nor did any of them really struggle with their sexual orientation. So, I kind of hope this story brings a few things to light for some who maybe hadn't ever experienced something like this. I hope that made sense? 
> 
> Quote in beginning from Sarah Waters because she honestly is my fave writer. 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated! :)


	11. I'm Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like, 7,000 words altogether but I feel like it needed to all be in one and not separated into two chapters. Sorry the wait has been long for an update. I have been insanely busy. Thanks to everyone still reading :)

_“You are mine, I am yours; you may be sure of this. You've been locked inside my heart, the key has been thrown away; within it, you must always stay. ”_

**February – the night before**

“I can’t believe…” Isak gasped, fingers in Even’s hair as he pulled the other boy closer; in between his legs. “That you’re…that we…”

“Shh. Baby, just let me.” Even whispered, kissing the fine hairs on Isak’s thighs. He held Isak down against the bed by his naked waist, Isak a bit self-conscious that he was nearly naked and Even had all his clothes on.

But the anticipation of it all was _killing_ Isak, making him pant and grind his hips; seeking out the mouth that he’d only been fantasizing about for months now. He didn’t really have time to worry about who was or was not naked.

And to his ultimate surprise, he didn’t feel embarrassed by his body. Even could see it – rather well actually. The light was on, and although Isak felt better wearing his binder to hold down his chest, he found himself wanting Even to see him from the waist down. He wanted Even’s eyes on all his parts; his body. He wanted Even to clearly see how bad Isak wanted this.

“ _Fuck.”_ Even said, his turn to gasp now as he pressed a light kiss to Isak’s folds; tongue poking through just a little to taste the moisture there.

Isak threw his head back against Even’s pillows, muttering “You fucking _tease.”_ Because after the small, barely-a-lick, Even had stopped. Now he was just breathing against Isak, squeezing Isak’s hips tighter, like he was trying to…control himself.  

“You don’t have to hold back, Even. God, _please._ I want it. Want _you.”_ Isak mumbled, words spilling out of his mouth. He didn’t know if he was making sense but he hoped that he was convincing Even to start; to take him.

Two seconds of silence passed before Even let out a broken moan, unlike anything Isak had heard him make before. Isak looked down, unable to help it, and saw that Even was moving his own hips against the mattress, eyes squeezed shut.

“Even…what…” Isak asked, frowning now.

“ _Isak.”_ Even said, his voice shredded. He opened his eyes and stared at Isak, his mouth open and pink and wet. “Fuck, you don’t even know what you do to me.”

And then he started moving his tongue inside Isak, sucking and lightly biting and Isak nearly screamed from the intensity of it. Even was moaning as he did it, and Isak never thought _anyone_ would be this enthusiastic about going down on him. But Even was acting like there was nothing better on Earth as he urged Isak to wrap his legs around Even’s head; to come closer than they already were.

_It will never be close enough._

**

**2 weeks earlier**

“Eskild! Would you please just _relax?”_ Noora snapped, shaking her head in exasperation as she shot Isak and Even an apologetic look, closing the door.

Isak could hear Eskild’s protests as Noora led him down the hall. There was a tour to be had, dinners to plan. And how exactly did Even get his hair to look so luscious? But Noora just told him to shut up and leave Even alone to unpack.

Isak smiled at Even as he stood in the middle of his new bedroom, glancing around in excitement. Even looked happier than Isak had seen him be in a long time. Too long. He walked over and wrapped his arms around Even’s middle.

“Are you okay?” Isak whispered.

Even held onto Isak’s forearms, swaying a little in the embrace. “Yeah. I really am.”

“Good.”

Even turned in his arms, enough that he could kiss Isak’s mouth. It was a sweet kiss. Isak had missed their kisses like this. The ones where they didn’t need to rush. The ones that could linger and build as they wanted them to.

“Thank you, Isak.” Even said, his mouth still moving against Isak’s. He was breathing a little unevenly, and Isak realized it was because Even was trying to hold back tears.

“Even. It’s okay. You’re here now.” Isak breathed out, running soothing hands on Even’s neck and shoulders.

“I know.” Even swallowed, nodding. “I just never thought I would get out.”

**

Isak thought back to the road getting here. The road to Even’s freedom. It had all started with a conversation Isak had with Noora on the night he actually went to girls’ night with his friends for the first time in months.

Isak was sat between Noora and Chris on the couch, Eva trying to catch his eye again and again. He would get there with Eva. He wanted to talk to her, but this was more important.

“Do you still need a roommate?” Isak asked when there was a lull in the conversation.

Noora’s expression brightened and she leaned into Isak, nodding. “Yes. We’re desperate at this point. Nobody we’ve tried has seemed interested. Do you know someone?”

Suddenly, all the girls were staring at Isak and he felt himself blush. He bit down on his bottom lip for a second before he decided to say, “Um, yeah. Do you remember me mentioning Even?”

“Yes! The cute one, right?” Noora smiled, hitting Isak lightly on his shoulder.

“Yeah. The cute one.” Isak mused, unable to comprehend that sentence fully summing up the kind of person Even was; what he _meant_ to Isak.

“He needs a roommate?” Eva piped in, her eyebrows raised in what looked like genuine interest. Isak suddenly felt a rush of guilt at how long he’d kept his grudge because he _missed_ Eva. He truly did. She had slowly faded into the background of his life and he missed their late night conversations. Her hugs. She was always so kind to him.

“He…he needs to get _out_ of his house, more like. He lives at home and his parents are…awful.” Isak breathed in deeply, feeling the anger flick inside his gut.

“Shit. I’m sorry.” Chris sighed, rubbing Isak’s knee.

“Elias has told me a little about Even’s parents.” Sana added, her face sympathetic and calm.

“He’s totally welcome to move in, Isak. Just give me his number so I can go over cost and stuff.” Noora nodded, already reaching into her pocket for her phone.

When Isak didn’t immediately grab his phone to find Even’s number, all eyes fell on him again. He breathed out a long breath, wishing he didn’t have to explain this part; wishing there was an easier solution.

“Even doesn’t have his own job. Or…money.”

Isak looked over to Noora with wide eyes, not really knowing what to expect. He knew it wasn’t realistic for Even to move in if he couldn’t pay rent. That just didn’t work. But he was also kind of hoping there would be another option. Somewhere between Even can move in and Even can’t move in.

“Isak…”

“We could help him find a job!” Vilde said, sitting up and nearly spilling her coke down her dress. “I’m sure there has to be _something.”_

“It’s not that easy, Vilde.” Sana shook her head, giving Isak a knowing stare. “Even can’t stand up for hours on end. That cuts out a lot of opportunities.”

“Oh.” Vilde whispered, looking around the room for any other options.

“I’m sorry. I just…I want him to be able to leave.” Isak said, feeling stupid as tears rushed into his eyes. “He’s going to die there if he stays.”

Noora pulled Isak into a soft embrace and Isak went into it easily, comforted by her usual perfume she sprayed under her ears.

“Do you love him, Isak?” Noora asked, quiet enough that only Isak could hear.

“Yes.”

When Noora sat back up she gave Isak a big smile, which Isak couldn’t help but mirror. He hadn’t really told the girls about Even. Isak had a _boyfriend_ and he remembered how excited they all were when he’d first started dating Jonas. They’d been ecstatic because he had been happy.

Isak never thought he would love someone as much as he’d loved Jonas.

But, if he was being honest, he had _never_ felt like he did when he thought of Even. His heart sped up. He got giggly and couldn’t stop smiling. He wanted to live in the feeling of it; the warm, softness that encased his heart.

“I might be able to help.” Eva squeaked, standing up so she was little closer to Isak. He watched as she approached him, sitting on the table in front of the couch he was sitting on.

“Yeah?” Isak said, leaning forward. And before he knew it, he’d reached for her hand; trying to silently convey one thing.

_I forgive you._

“Has Even ever considered modelling?” Eva smirked.

**

“ _Modelling?”_ Even nearly shouted, making Mutta cackle and spit out his soda all over the lunch table the following day.

Isak laughed, putting an arm around Even’s shoulders. “You’re pretty enough to model. And my friend’s new boyfriend does some modelling. They’re looking for new faces.”

“No _way.”_ Even shook his head.

“Come on, Evy. I think it would be perfect!” Mikael urged, nodding and fist bumping Isak.

“But, _why?_ I have zero interest in modelling.” Even asked, looking confused.

Isak wanted to lean over and kiss him, taste the peanut butter on his soft mouth. He’d been so happy this morning when he’d woken up to a text from Even that he’d spent the night at Mikael’s. Isak didn’t really have words to describe how he felt knowing Even was safe – away from all the awfulness that was his family.

“You get paid. A lot, apparently.” Isak said, clearing his throat. He took a bite of his lunch, trying to be casual. Trying not to make it seem like he was leading up to something _big._

“Okay?” Even chuckled, still looking baffled. “Are you hinting you want me to take you out on more dates?”

The rest of the boys chuckled but it wasn’t malicious. If anything, they all looked fondly at Isak and Even. They’d all been extremely supportive, happy to see Even happy.

“No.” Isak whispered, taking the breath that he needed. “But…my _other_ friend is looking for a new roommate. To move in immediately. And…”

The table had fallen quiet and Even’s face was slowly changing, shifting into something Isak couldn’t label yet, so he tumbled forward.

“And…if you’re modelling and have money, you could…”

Even grabbed his face suddenly and pulled Isak into a kiss, right in front of their friends; right in front of the whole cafeteria. And Isak didn’t give a _fuck._ He kissed back like he’d never get another chance, holding onto Even’s cheeks.

When Even broke away he was smiling to the point that his eyes nearly disappeared; were condensed to tiny slits. His smile was all teeth.

“God, I fucking _love_ you.”

**

Isak went to Even’s house on Friday after school with three suitcases. The plan was to pack everything up before Even’s father came home. Then Even would stay at Isak’s for a week or so until the room was ready at Noora’s; until Even began his first modelling shoot. Which, of course he got. Isak never doubted that. Even had done fantastic at his audition. And who wouldn’t want to photograph Even? Like, seriously.

“Thanks for letting Even stay, Dad.” Isak had said the night before, never in his life appreciating his father more.

“He’s always welcome, Isak.” Terje winked, handing Isak a dish to dry. “And you two…” His eyebrows were raised; expectant and Isak burst out laughing.

“ _Dad.”_

“What? I wasn’t born yesterday. I know how you look at him.” Terje blushed, looking sheepish now. “And I know how he looks at _you.”_

“ _Dad!”_

“Isak?” Even’s voice cut into Isak’s memory, bringing Isak back to the here and now. Standing in front of Even’s house. Even’s hand wound a bit too tightly in his.

“Baby? It’s okay. We’re in and then we’re out.” Isak tried to assure him, frowning at the look on his boyfriend’s face.

Even looked so _torn._

“I…God, why isn’t this _easier?”_ Even said, his voice low and sharp; shaking his head like he was disappointed in himself.

“I don’t pretend to know how you feel, Ev.” Isak started, wrapping his arms around Even and holding him even though he was resisting the touch a little. “But I know that this is the right choice. You need to get _out_ of here.”

Even let out a small sob, finally returning the hug. Isak imagined what kind of scene they must have made. Two boys hugging each other like the world was ending, suitcases at their feet outside of a house that they were both afraid to go into.

“What if something happens to her and I’m not here?” Even whispered, shaking a little as he asked.

His mom.

Even was worried about leaving his mother and Isak’s heart shattered a little in his chest.

“ _Even.”_ Isak said, running hand through Even’s soft hair; trying to choose his next words carefully. “Baby, it’s not up to you to save her. You _can’t_ save her.”

“I always thought I’d be enough. That loving me…would change her. That she’d stop… _killing_ herself. For me.” Even said, Isak barely able to hear the words.

_You are more than enough._

_I’ll spend my life making you believe that._

“You are enough, Even.” Isak stated, kissing Even’s neck.  “You’re more than enough and that’s why you’re leaving. You’re letting yourself be free.”

**

Lily had been asleep as they packed up Even’s room. His drawings and clothes. His cane and hair products and some of his bedding, which Isak made a mental note to throw away. It all reeked like smoke and Isak didn’t want Even to bring any reminders of this place with him.

The house was so dark. It barely got any of the early evening sunlight. The walls were starting to mould in some spots. There was a smell of rotting fruit coming from the kitchen and Even tried to apologize for it, like it was his fault his house was a physical representation of the decay of his family.

As they carried the suitcases down the stairs and Isak reached for the doorknob, wanting to be in the fresh air, Even caught his wrist. Isak turned and looked at Even, not understanding why Even was delaying this any longer. Freedom was right _there._ Outside. A foot away.

“Even?”

“I want to remember the house this way. With you standing here with me.” Even said, his voice suddenly clear and level. There weren’t any tears in his eyes. No sign of regret. “I want to leave knowing that…that _you_ were the one who unshackled me. I know it sounds so stupid but, Isak…I don’t know if I can comprehend just how fucking much you have saved me.”

Isak didn’t see the house. He didn’t see the hallway they were standing in. He didn’t breathe through his nose to smell the smoke or the rotting. He just kept his eyes on Even, giving him one last moment, before they walked out together.

_You saved me too._

**

Even slept in Isak’s bed for seven nights, sleeping soundly with all his limbs wrapped around Isak’s body. And Isak had never been happier. He’d never been more relaxed or felt as loved. Or felt as comfortable in his own skin because Even _was_ his skin. Even was his family and his best friend and the person he always _craved._

The person he was never letting go of.

**

**February – the night before**

“Will you stay tonight?” Even asked, finally alone again with Isak after Eskild had dragged them into a ‘family dinner’ – something he wanted to turn into their new tradition.

Isak nodded, instantly agreeing. He made a mental note to text his Mom about it.

“Cool.” Even beamed. “C’mere.”

He was lying down on his bed, arms extended for Isak and he buried himself into Even’s side, breathing in his scent. Even stroked a hand through Isak’s hair softly, both of them quiet. The silence wasn’t awkward, wasn’t heavy. Isak was nearly asleep when he felt Even press a kiss to his forehead.

“Baby?” Even whispered, a shift in his voice that made Isak look up; search out the other boy’s eyes.

“Yeah?”

Even moved until Isak got the message to lie on his back, Even hovering over him. Isak opened his legs, a clear invitation which Even took, moving his chin up to show Even he wanted a _real_ kiss.

“You don’t know…how badly I…” Even was saying, stumbling over his words a little as he moved closer to Isak’s mouth, bringing their groins flush together.

Even was hard and Isak gasped a little, surprised. A moment ago they had just been lying together, had spent the last two hours with other people barely allowed to touch. They hadn’t wanted to make a scene, be that gross couple.

Apparently, Even had been _wanting_ things.

“Fuck, Isak.” Even said, putting his elbows down around Isak’s head and kissing Isak wetly, immediately demanding Isak open his mouth; let Even lick inside.

It got Isak going within seconds, clinging to Even’s back; reaching down to grab his ass and pull Even closer, giving him something to grind down into.

“Been wanting you all night.” Even panted, placing kisses on Isak’s neck and what skin was exposed of his chest. “You’re so fucking hot.”

Isak keened under the praise, arching his back, licking right back into Even’s mouth. He was about to reach up and pull Even’s shirt over his head, but Even pushed himself up again before Isak got the chance.

Even’s chest was heaving as he perched on his knees, hesitantly reaching for Isak’s button on his jeans. There was a question there, a slowness to the movements that gave Isak a choice. Even’s eyebrows were raised, the front of his own pants slightly damp, and Isak had _never_ wanted anything so badly in his life.

He kind of couldn’t believe they had been dating for a month and hadn’t done anything sexual together. Isak had never gotten to properly taste Even, feel Even; beg Even to finish him. There had been too much else happening. So many changes and stresses.

They had come close. Many times, but there was always something that held them both back. Something that made them stop whenever clothes were about to come off.

“I want to see you, Isak.” Even whispered, undoing the button on Isak’s pants. “I’ve been wanting…”

He stopped there, didn’t continue; making Isak feel like he was hovering over a ledge. He whimpered a little as Even pulled down his jeans, exposing his thighs to the cool room air. Even looked down at him, his face in awe.

_What do you see?_

“What, Even?” Isak whispered, unable to take it anymore. “What do you want?”

Even got the jeans off of Isak’s legs, throwing them carelessly to the floor. He reached up for the hem of Isak’s boxers, still panting like he had just run a marathon.

“I want to taste you so fucking bad.”

**

Isak nearly shrieked as he came, legs still wrapped around Even’s head, feeling the vibrations of Even’s moaning as he realized Isak was coming; clutching onto Isak’s hips with his strong, strong hands.

By the end of it, Isak was panting; eyes still shut tightly as he ran a hand through Even’s soft hair, begging silently for the other boy to come up to him. When Even did, he shuddered into the kiss, still grinding his hips into Isak. Isak groaned at the taste of himself coating Even’s tongue.

“Was it…” Even gasped, making eye contact. “Was it good?”

Isak couldn’t help but laugh because how could Even ask such a question? It had been the best thing he’d ever felt.

“ _Yes._ Let me make you feel good now.” Isak said, reaching over to his backpack that was thrown on the floor. He unzipped the front and pulled out a condom.

Even was sitting up on his elbow, still fully clothed and looking at Isak with wide eyes; like he couldn’t quite believe what Isak was offering.

“Isak… we don’t have to.” Even was suddenly saying, a blush firmly across his cheeks.

Isak bit down on his bottom lip coyly, putting the condom beside him and kneeling down in front of Even. He pushed until Even was the one on his back now, chest rising and falling as Isak straddled him; knowing full well he was about to make the front of Even’s jeans even more soaked.

As soon as Isak dropped his weight down on Even’s hips, hands firmly on Even’s chest, Even bucked up as if he couldn’t help it; licking his lips.

“You don’t want me?” Isak whispered, teasing now; in no way worried about Even’s desire for him. From how Even’s dick throbbed under him, Isak didn’t think he had anything to fret over.

“ _Shit.”_ Even moaned, running his hands along Isak’s hips and the front of his thighs; eyeing him up like he was the best thing he’d ever seen.

“You don’t want to fuck me?” Isak asked, leaning down to suck a bruise into Even’s neck; arousal flushing through him yet again. He wanted Even inside him so badly he could practically taste it.

All the thoughts that had plagued Isak before; doubting how he felt in his own flesh, wishing for something else, seemed to be behind the flood gates for now. There were days that Isak hated everything about himself and there were probably going to be days like that in the future, but right now in Even’s arms Isak didn’t feel that. He didn’t want Even to be seeing anything different. He knew Even was seeing exactly who he was; the _man_ that he was.

“I want you so much, Isak, I can hardly _breathe.”_

**

**1 day ago**

Isak put a hot chocolate down in front of Eva, who was bright red and stuttering out every sentence she tried to say. Isak knew she was nervous, knew their friendship was still mending, but as he sat across from her he didn’t regret bringing her back into his life.

“Eva, _relax.”_ Isak chuckled after a moment, sipping his own hot chocolate. This had been a thing they’d done for a few years; coming to this coffee shop and ordering these drinks, unloading their stresses and laughing at jokes. It was the first time in a long time though.

“Sorry.” Eva muttered, smirking into her drink. “I just don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

“You won’t. I’m glad you came to meet me.” Isak said.

“Are you kidding, Is?” Eva said, sounding serious as she stared into Isak’s eyes. “I…I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time when you texted me.”

Isak swallowed thickly. “Yeah?”

Eva was crying suddenly, tears running down her face and she looked embarrassed. “ _Yes._ You’re my best friend, Isak. I know we have the girls and they’re great but…you and me. That’s always been something more to me.”

_I know._

“Me too, Eva.” Isak nodded, again reaching for her like he had at girls’ night; when she had offered to help Even find his job.

“So, _Penetrator_ Chris.” Isak cleared his throat, trying to make the mood lighter; rolling his eyes at the nickname this boy had acquired. “Is he a good guy?”

“I think so.” Eva laughed, wiping her eyes. “I really like him. I’m trying to take it slow because he’s a bit of a player. I mean, being a model sure helps him get all the girls.”

“Maybe I should be worried then, now that Even is a model.” Isak teased.

“From what I’ve heard, you don’t have to worry at all.” Eva smiled, squeezing Isak’s hand. A silence fell over them and Isak wondered if he should really bring his next question up at all, but he suddenly knew that he had to.

“Did you break up with Jonas because of me?”

“Yes.” Eva said instantly, nodding.

“But, I thought you said that you couldn’t help falling for him. That it wasn’t a choice?”

“It _was_ though. I chose to do it when I _knew_ it was wrong. It was the shittiest choice I’ve ever made. It almost made me lose you, and I didn’t want that, Isak. You deserve better than that.” Eva explained, her gaze and voice strong.

Isak felt something inside of him shift; settle back into place and he sighed in content.

“Okay.”

“Besides, we didn’t work. He’s with someone else now. Emma. He adores her.”

“And you have _Penetrator_ Chris.” Isak smirked.

“Shut up!”

**

**February – the night before**

Isak was clutching the sheets in his hands, needing something to hang onto as Even was behind him, letting Isak move on his cock as slow or as fast as he wanted. And now, as Isak was getting closer and closer, he was going pretty quick.

Isak had told Even not to move. Even’s back was against the headboard of the bed, hands on Isak’s hips.

“Let me do it. _Please.”_ Isak had gasped, settling his ass flush against Even’s groin again and again. Even was practically growling with the effort it took not to thrust, to just kneel their passively and let Isak fuck him; get them both off.

But he was doing it, listening to Isak’s instruction.

“Isak, I…” Even moaned, putting one hand on Isak’s shoulder to pull him up and the other in Isak’s hair; tugging until Isak’s back was against Even’s chest. “I’m so close.”

Isak turned his face, suddenly feeling too far away from Even; wanting to taste him, feel his breath on his lips. He kissed Even desperately, speeding up his rhythm just a little bit more; moving his hips in a figure eight now. His skin was heating up, his breathing coming fast and Even was suddenly clutching back onto his hips, effectively pushing Isak back down on his elbows.

“ _Fuck._ Yes.” Even was shouting, suddenly moving his hips harshly into Isak as he came into the condom; setting a punishing pace that in the next second made Isak clench hard, coming around Even’s cock.

And Isak had been wrong. Even’s mouth wasn’t the best thing he’d ever felt. _This_ was; coming together, bodies coiled tight, muscles aching. The endless pleasure making Isak shake, making Even whimper. Hearing Even whisper, “I love you” again and again into Isak’s neck; sending goosebumps down his spine.

This was heaven.

**

**March**

Jonas had his arm across Emma’s shoulders, tickling her sides. Even’s arm was around Isak’s shoulders, rubbing every now and then; stealing small kisses when others weren’t looking. Christoffer was trying to make out with Eva but she wasn’t having it, effectively smacking his hands away from her ass every time he went for a grab.

Jonas’s friend Magnus was _all_ over Vilde, and Isak was experiencing the worst vicarious embarrassment ever for him; wondering just how the fuck Jonas wound up being friends with this guy. But Vilde was charmed, blushing like a Disney princess and making meowing noises. For whatever fucking reason. And if Isak was being honest, Magnus was pretty fucking amusing.

Mahdi was sitting all alone on the love seat, looking happy and blissfully high; laughing too loudly at jokes and wrestling Jonas as one point for the last pot brownie.

“You have had enough!” Jonas cackled, pointing to Mahdi’s very red eyes.

“It’s never enough.” Mahdi retorted.

Jonas won in the end because that’s how he did things, competitive and never giving up. He cheered when he shoved the brownie in his mouth, catching Isak’s eye and smiling; brown chunks of chocolate stuck in his teeth.

“You’re disgusting.” Isak smirked, finishing off the rest of his beer.

“Damn straight.” Jonas winked, turning back to smile at Emma who was looking at Jonas with what Isak could only describe as ‘heart eyes.’

It was amazing how _not_ awkward this all was. Isak was thinking there would be some level of weirdness to this, when Even had suggested having everyone over for dinner and a pregame. When Isak had asked him to define everyone, Even had just smiled his coy smile at said ‘ _everyone.’_

That also included Sonja, who was sitting sheepishly next to the guy she had brought with her, his hand settled on his jean-clad thigh. She looked a tad uncomfortable, but had accepted the hug Even gave her; glancing tentatively at Isak as she did. Isak had only smiled back before he got up and went into the kitchen to get more chips.

“You okay there, baby gay?” Eskild asked, bumping his hip into Isak’s.

“Why do you keep calling me that, Eskild?” Isak chuckled, pouring some chips into a bowl.

“Because you’re like my baby, and you’re gay. Simple. Just as Even is my Pan Giraffe. Because…”

“Yep. I can figure that one out, thanks.” Isak interrupted, shaking his head fondly.

“But seriously, are you okay? There seems to be a lot of people in one room who are currently or used to fuck each other.” Eskild stated bluntly, punching a laugh out of Isak.

“Eskild. It’s honestly fine.”

“Okay then. You’re all a bunch of weirdos, just so you know.” And he sauntered out of the kitchen, sipping his cup of camomile tea.

Isak returned to the living room, putting the chips on the table which Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus all immediately reached for. Isak settled back into his spot next to Even, who was in a super deep conversation with Sana about…zygotes?

Isak didn’t bother asking, he just listened; happily tipsy and surrounded by all the people he was lucky enough to have in his life.

“So,” Christoffer said loudly, plopping down on the other side of Isak. “I heard you and Even have a shoot next week. Sweet, man.”

Isak felt himself flush as many eyes turned to him and Even, eyebrows furrowed in question.

“Um, yeah. It was Even’s idea, actually.” Isak muttered.

“What kind of shoot is it?” Eva asked.

“It’s about breaking stereotypes and showing that people are more than just labels. So, I’m going to be in my wheelchair holding a sign that says ‘disabled’ at first, as well as ‘pansexual.’ But then the next shot is going to be me holding signs of everything else that makes me _me._ Like drawing, and having an interest in media. Isak, too. He’ll be sitting on my lap for one of the photos, as far as I know. To show that…well, that love is more who I am than having to use a wheelchair.” Even explained, looking so fucking happy about it that Isak couldn’t even really feel the embarrassment.

He was too busy being proud of his boyfriend and how he’d particularly asked to be part of a shoot like this; one that had more meaning than simply modelling watches, or shoes.

“Shit! That’s so woke!” Mahdi exclaimed, clapping his hands together.

“That’s awesome, you guys.” Vilde smiled, coming over and hugging them both.

“What are your pictures going to be, Isak?” Sana asked.

The room was silent and Isak felt put on the spot, unsure of whether to be honest or not. Not everyone in the room knew about him, his _whole_ story, and he wasn’t sure he was able to explain it all in only a few sentences. But then Even placed a kiss on Isak’s cheek, encouraging Isak to just say it; to no longer be afraid.

“I’ll be holding a sign that says ‘trans man’ as well as one that says ‘gay man.’ But then, you know, like Even I’ll be holding signs that say things like video games, music. ‘Wants to be a doctor someday’, that kind of thing. And I’ll also be in a picture with Even, not sure what we’ll be doing for mine yet though.” Isak said, feeling like he was talking a little bit too fast.

“ _What?”_ Magnus shrieked, sounding so horrified.

Isak felt his stomach drop, and he instantly held his breath; bracing for some kind of comment.

“Magnus, you…” Jonas started, seeing the fear on Isak’s face.

“Dude. You want to be a _doctor_ when you’re older? You must be so fucking smart!” Magnus suddenly laughed, reaching across the table to hit Isak lightly on his shoulder; pushing him further into Even.

Isak laughed, the tension dissipating, and he shook his head at just how ridiculous Magnus was.

“He’s _very_ smart, Magnus.” Even nodded, again looking at Isak like Isak had hung the moon in the sky.

_I’m never letting you go._

**

Jonas: Hey, Isak. How have you been?

Isak: Hey, I’m good. Just finished our shoot :P

Jonas: Nice! How did the pictures turn out??

Isak: Pretty good. I’m happy with them.

Jonas: Will you send me some when you have copies?

Isak: I can give you a sneak peek now, if you want :D

Jonas: Yes!

Isak:

<img src=" __" >

Jonas: Wow. Holy shit.

Isak: Yeah?

Jonas: You guys look awesome. I hope this isn’t weird, Issy, but I’m really happy for you. I’m happy you have Even.

Isak: Thanks, Jonas. It’s not weird. I’m happy you found Emma. She’s sweet.

Jonas: Lol, yeah. Who would have thought? Us being cool with dating other people.

Isak: LOL yeah. I’m glad we got here, though.

Jonas: Me too <3 talk to you later

**

**April**

Isak always felt weird about Even doing his testosterone shots. For some reason, it felt like Even doing it would make Isak being trans more of an issue; something that would weird Even out and make him walk away.

“Shut the fuck up.” Even smirked, wiping Isak’s arm with an alcohol swab. “I’m happy to do it, Isak.”

Isak blushed, feeling dumb for doubting Even. He really should stop that, considering Even was the best human in the world and never thought Isak was in any way weird. But insecurity was a bitch like that and tended to eat away at Isak’s insides until he felt raw; scalded.

“There. All done.” Even winked, getting up to throw away the needle.

Isak held a tissue to his arm, letting out a long sigh. It sucked that the process of transition was so slow. Isak wanted his voice to be lower right now. He wanted his weight to shift away from his hips yesterday. He wanted his thighs to be smaller, like boys’ thighs were; never carrying excess weight there.

He wanted the body that he pictured for himself whenever he closed his eyes.

“C’mere.” Even whispered, suddenly back in front of Isak, arms extended. Isak dove into the hug, letting the tears escape.

Sometimes, the whole thing really fucking sucked.

**

**Summer**

Isak helped Even over to his bed, trying to take as much of his boyfriend’s weight as he could. Even was out of the hospital after his ankle replacement, but he wasn’t anywhere near recovered. Isak had moved a lot of his stuff over to Even’s apartment so he would be able to stay and take care of him.

“Thanks.” Even said, propping his foot up on his bed. He looked tired and pale, but Isak still thought he was beautiful; still wanted him more than anything.

That was the thing about love, Isak had discovered. You didn’t stop loving someone when things were hard. If anything, it made you love them more.

“You don’t have to stay here all day.” Even whispered, closing his eyes. “I want you to still have a life.”

“I have a life, thanks very much. But tonight, I want to be with you.” Isak tried to reassure him, running his fingers along Even’s chest.

“I’m a mess, Isak. I must look like shit. I can’t have a proper shower and…”

“I don’t care.” Isak interrupted, shaking his head. He moved as close as he could to Even and wrapped his arm around him. “I’m here, Even. And for the record, you look and smell fine.”

Even looked like he was going to protest more but then Isak made a funny face and it made Even laugh, snuggling up against Isak instead. He fell asleep like that and Isak stayed as still as possible, looking down at Even and wondering how he got so lucky.

_No matter what, I’m yours._

**

**Late August**

“The leaves are changing.” Even commented, his thigh brushing against Isak’s. They were sitting on a bench as the sun was setting, arms around each other, and Isak smiled at how much of a cliché they were.

But, who cared? He loved sunsets and he loved Even.

He loved _them._

“Yeah. They are.” Isak replied. “What time is it? We have to meet everyone soon.”

Even looked down at his watch and suddenly burst out laughing. “It’s 21:21.”

Isak frowned. “Why is that funny?”

“You don’t remember? That night I came to meet you? We walked around and you asked me the time.” Even began, raising his eyebrows.

_Oh._

“Right.” Isak smiled, suddenly remembering. He had definitely been falling for Even back then, back when Even dropped everything to be with him; to come and comfort him after his horrible day.

“Do you still want to be in that other universe?” Even asked, leaning over and pressing a hungry kiss to Isak’s neck, hugging him a little tighter. “You want to be somewhere that we’re both different? Better versions of ourselves?”

Isak had thought he’d always want to be somewhere that had less pain. Somewhere without the struggle of trying to find himself; prove himself. Somewhere that Even wasn’t in a lot of pain, hadn’t spent nearly the whole summer recovering from his surgery- the first of many. Somewhere Even’s mother and father and brother didn’t need help; already functioned and cared about Even.

But without all that, all the struggles and the stress, Isak wouldn’t have met Even. They wouldn’t have spoken on that chat room. Even wouldn’t even have _been_ on that chat room if he’d never been sick.

“No.” Isak whispered, kissing Even’s lips. “No. I’m fine right here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated! :) 
> 
> Quote in beginning from the novel 'The Gargoyle'

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi  
> [here](http://photographer-of-thoughts.tumblr.com/)  
> <3


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